Mini Golf Sucks
Posted by FredFredrickson on 08/20/07 08:30am.

First and foremost: I rule. Anybody who questions that is wrong. I am awesome. I am always right.

Secondly: Mini-Golf sucks. If you doubt this, refer to my first statement. If you refute that, refer to my favorite ice cream: I-will-punch-you-in-the-kidney-with-chocolate-sprinkles.

I love mini-golf. Probably more than you. Most people I know enjoy 10% of the game and then get bored. Whereas I continue to strive for the ulimate lowest score ever, and usually win because everybody else gave up. But why is it that everybody gives up so easily? I'll tell you why: Mini-golf courses are boring. But they don't have to be.

Around the area where I live there are rediculous amounts of miniature golf courses, all of which have very little different about them. Each has 18 hole courses (some with mulitple courses) and none with interesting courses. I will now provide to you the rule book, because I am sick of seeing a flat green course with a rock in the middle get passed off as a mini-golf hole.

1. Thou shall use moving obstacles. Is the moving windmill cheesy? Yes. Is it awesome and challenging anyway? Uh-huh. How many times I've cursed at the blasted blades of a windmill for spitting my ball back at me. Yet, I look back on those times as some of the best times of my life. I don't do the same for the stagnant rock smack dab in the middle of another green...

2. Stop dropping big rocks, cannons, statues, animals, or other assorted static items with no interest in the middle of greens and call it miniature golf course.

3. If you have a secret hole that's hard to reach... make it lead to a hole-in-one. Far too many times I've seen a hole that is slightly to the left and up a hill, clearly far away from the actual hole. It's challenging and it's risk is high: If you miss, your ball is farther away from the hole than you intended. If you get it, the reward should be great! A hole-in-one! But wait, nope. Usually it just goes down a tube and spits it out near the hole.. and the ball keeps rolling right past it, and you find yourself farther away than your teammates that just didn't bother.

4. There should be multiple ways to win. A good hole consists of three ways to get your ball from the tee to the hole. One easy, wide open method, but usually doesn't get your ball much closer to the hole than a foot or two. A medium path that brings your ball into the correct vicinity, but is a bit more difficult to execute. And then the impossible: You must hit your ball perfectly with just enough pressure to get it over the first hump but not over the second hump so that it will land in the hole on a hole in one. Your course is not good unless patrons go back and drop their ball back on the green in various places just to see what would happen if they actually hit it there. It should inspire curiosity.

5. Be original. I just recently visited a course that had small pools at the bottom of rivers. The courses next to the pools didn't have edges, and your ball could easily roll right into the water. A net was provided to fish your ball out. That was clever and original. Then we noticed a trend. ALL of the courses near water had that net. It suddenly lost its novelty. Be original. People want something new to discover at each new hole. And no, putting that rock in the middle of a flat course does not add anything new. And no, a new bend to the left instead of right won't help.

6. Tubes are awesome. This is the best advice I can give: Secret tubes that lead places that you don't know are awesome. Sure, I've seen plenty of courses with a secret hole that lead to a tube. Those are about 0% interesting. I know where it comes out asshole. How about this: 3 holes each with secret tubes. One comes out near the hole, obviously. Another comes out in the back, and other one comes out the chimney of a little model house. Very neat. Very clever. And more importantly, a gamble, because you don't know which hole leads to which tube. It's time for experimentation and gambling. And ultimately more fun in mini golf.

Seriously though, I am not in the golf business, and I thought about this for 10 minutes and I came up with these awesome ideas. If you're investing money into a golf course, why wouldn't you at least sit down and brainstorm for a few minutes before making a course that nobody would ever revisit?

This continues my ongoing rant: Business people are idiots with money to invest. Luckily these business people are mediocre, and will suffer at my hands as I will exploit every profitable hole that these monkeys leave open.

StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble this article.

the_legacy @ 08/20/07
"not to mention that it was $8.50 to play that lame course! coulda seen a movie for that! "

Riev_Mordred @ 08/20/07
"Movies are too expensive. $5 an hour for entertainment is still cheap, but damn. Also, the problem with mini-golf is that people still go, so they don't change. However, if you didn't go, they'd just shut down. Idiots."

the_legacy @ 08/21/07
"Yah movies are expensive but they donít really profit from the actual ticket price. And mini-golf is super over priced caz it keeps you occupied for about 30min at the most. At least the movie keeps you occupied for a few hours. I think that we should make our own mini golf course! :o)"

FredFredrickson @ 08/21/07
"I so AGREE!! who will invest? I promise that it will rock."

Savvy_Ninja @ 08/21/07
"I know that mini-golf course. It's at Logs of Fun. Why would you go there? It's a horrible place."

corinne @ 08/21/07
"i would go to it"

corinne @ 08/21/07
"well not that one, the one that them there people are planning on constructing... alligators should live in the water too"

ThatSam @ 08/26/07

FredFredrickson @ 08/29/07
"for those of you curious, that homestarrunner link it f'n hilarious"

Login to comment...

Return to main...

Who am I? That's a good question. I am the creator of, and the writer of the front page column. My actual name is Robbie, but for whatever reason I like Fred better. If you read my column, thanks. Feel free to leave a comment or two. Chances are, I've pissed you off anyway.

Search This Column

Home | Columns | Pics | Privacy Policy | Disclaimer / Terms of Use | Gripe
Everything Else ©2017 All Rights Reserved.

website tracker