I was just asked what I thought the best movie and album of 2007 were. Well, here's my answer.


Best Movie of 2007 - Grindhouse Presents - Planet Terror
This one is a no brainer. Does it get any better than this? - Zombies, senseless violence, and a hot go-go dancer with a gun for a leg! There were times watching this movie that I just started laughing out loud because it's just so damn messed up. It's as if Robert Rodriguez had a huge checklist of awesomely sick or violent things he wanted to do and just randomly threw them into the movie where ever he see fit - and it worked beautifully. The acting is fantastically stylized to the point where it's almost corny, but honestly, that's the charm of this kind of movie. Rose McGowan is stellar and somehow remained super sexy even while limping around on a peg leg. This is my absolute top pick for 2007. Death Proof was also an honorable mention under the Grindhouse name, but honestly, the cast was MUCH weaker and the hour worth of chick banter made me want to shoot myself...better yet, have Rose McGowan shoot me with her gun-leg.


Best Album of 2007 - The Black and White Album - The Hives
This was a tough pick because there were some really amazing albums that were released this year. Between Radiohead, The Shins, and Nine Inch Nails the competition was tough as hell. For some reason this album never got as much of the mainstream spotlight as the competition, probably because of how brash it is. The Swedes of The Hives have once again put together a power packed TRUE rock and roll album for the ages, and although it may not be an album that goes down in history, it's because the people writing the books are pussies with sensitive hearing. This album is so charged up you can't help but start jamming out to it. Do yourself a favor and pick up this album. I promise you won't regret it.

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I just stumbled this video and enjoyed it immensely. Perhaps you will as well?

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I like companies who acknowledge what people are saying about their products and take both the good and the bad in stride. Over the past few weeks Scion Motors has been airing an interesting commercial featuring their questionably designed xB model (shown left). Anyone who has ever seen this vehicle has two very different reactions; they either love it's bold styling, or think it looks like absolute rubbish. I tend to go with the second option, but after seeing this ad on the tele, I at least gained some respect for the automaker.

It shows the xB zinging around vacant city streets (yeah, like that happens) with polar labels flashing back to back on the screen such as "Eyecandy/Eyesore." It just gives me a little love for the company's sense of humor. I mean, if you're going to be bold and go out on a limb, you must learn to take the good with the bad. It would seems that Scion is doing that quite well, which gives them a very honest, likable quality. Take a look for yourself...

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http://www.spreadfirefox.com/

Check this quote out from a recent article on the above site...

[quote]"The goal of the video is to fire-up existing users and infuse even more pride into those that are already spreading firefox around the world (and of course, maybe convince some new users to give us a try as well).[/quote]

PRIDE??? This is why I can't stand these Firefox fanboys. These people think they are changing the world or something. It's bordering a religion, and frankly...it's sick.

Well, I'm doing my part to offset this trend, just a moment ago I had a customer who's computer was very infected with viruses. We cleaned it up and she was looking for some tips. She had Firefox istalled, and I pretty much gave her the facts, letting her know how Firefox doesn't deserve the praise it gets. Then I hooked her on Opera. Yet another person I've converted from Firefox to Opera.

Why do I have to keep writing about this topic?

Suggested reading: Why are you using Firefox?

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So are all of you fat and ready to poop after stuffing your faces with dead bird? I can image you are, unless you are some sort of freaky vagitarian and have been eating Tofurkey all afternoon. Well either way, I hope you had a decent Thanksgiving and don’t have to crap too much. I hope you made sure to give thanks for Fredrickville and my column.

Now that Thanksgiving is over, it’s time to talk Black Friday. Now if you remember my column from last year, I really despise the entire idea of this corporate driven spending spree. But I’m not going to write about that - cuz I already did it. That would be as redundant as listening to a Nickelback album. Actually I went digging around the net and have found something far more interesting to write about.

From what I have read, around this time of year in the 1700’s, cotton fields in the southern state would not produce as much cotton as fast as they do in the summer months. So many slave owners had a surplus of workers on their hands and would decide to sell off many of them to make some additional money to help them through the winter months. By selling off dozens of slaves at a time, plantation owners could get fast capitol and also were able to save food and clothing that would have been provided to the slaves.

As this trend became more widespread across the south, many of the towns near the larger plantations would start holding auctions in the town’s center to facilitate these sales. Auctions typically would start on the Friday after Thanksgiving and would continue through the weekend. Because of this, people started coining the phrase “Negro Friday” in reference to the event. These auctions offered tremendous deals to owners of smaller farms who only needed a handful of slaves. Plantation owners would sometimes offer several slaves together in one auction and would advertise them to bidders saying they will be more efficient because they work better together. This was usually not true, but the advertising would draw many bidders to these auctions and sellers would make very good profits.

As time went on, the auctions became a hot spot for not only slave sales but other goods as well. The auctions became one of the best outlets for craftsman to sell their products to the town’s people. People began to travel great distances to get to auctions in other towns and would show up early to the auctions to try and purchase items before supplies ran out.

Honestly, I was very shocked to discover all of this. It’s amazing to see how some of our modern day rituals stemmed from our nation’s darkest times in history. So when you head out to Best Buy, Macy’s or K-mart tomorrow - remember that many slaves suffered and died for your right to sip on frappachinos and shop for the best deal on iPod, Xbox 360 and flat screen TVs. I wonder if during the days of those original auctions if they would offer deals like buy two get one free?

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If I were to kill myself...I would want to skydive out of an airplane, land in a monster truck as it's going over a huge jump and then as it crashes, be ejected into a pool of lava. But this is pretty bad ass too.

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I was at Wal-Mart the other night, and as I was traveling down the path de checkout, I started looking at all the useless crap they try and pawn off on you at the registers. You know, those "neat" or "convinient" items you just have to have. If they really wanted to get my money while I wait, they'd sell rocket launchers and scud missiles up there. I always forget to put that on my shopping lists!

Well, as I was looking at the (lack of) scud missiles, I saw these wristbands. They are called STYLE BANDZ. Pretty much a rip off of the livestrong wristbands that were sold to raise money for the Lance Armstrong Foundation for (nut) cancer research.

As I stood in awe of these wristbands, I thought about how cool I could look if I got one. I also thought about how trendy I would look and how people would think I were on the cutting edge of style. Then I remembered that I'm not 12. This product completely ruins the point of the livestrong wristband. The Sytle Bandz are only to turn a profit and are riding on a trend that was for a good purpose. It's bullspit. They should also include memberships to the Douche Bag Club of America (DBCA) because anyone who actually bought one of these is a gigantimous tool.

However I'm not really on the livestrong braclet bandwagon either, too many bros wear them, and lord knows I can't be sharing any traits of a bro. In fact, the ONLY wrist stylings I can endorse is Stephen Colbert's wriststrong wristband. That great man broke his wrist in a tragic fall, and I am a firm believer that we need to stop wrist violence. You should be too.

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The Subaru WRX/Impreza has been one of the most renowned import cars because of its extensive racing history and more recently for it's stunning exterior styling.

But for the 2008 model year Subie redesigned this japanese giant to mixed reviews - but it's on purpose. By dumbing down their styling, Subaru is attempting to cover more of the market and appeal to a larger consumer base. This, however, is a huge risk. This car is a cult favorite and by softening the sharp styling of this import, they turn their backs on their loyal and die-hard consumers.

The even bigger risk...losing their customers all together. While Subaru attempts to wided their demographics, Mitsubishi (Subaru's WRC and street rival) is pumping up their latest installment of the Lancer Evolution.



Honestly, I think the new WRX is a step in the wrong direction, and if it came down to a choice between it and the new Evo X...my money's gonna go with the three diamonds. What do you think? Is Subaru just playing it smart, or are they murdering their flagship model?

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In light of Fred's new Things and Stuff! column, I am reminded that I intend to post random things that I find interesting - with a blaintant disregard for if you like it or not.

So here's a picture of some fish and some birds....together? I kinda want this at my house.

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About a week ago I posted a picture of the fully working Warthog from the Halo series, I said it was a product of Bungie, but it turns out I was wrong about its origins. Weta, the company that did most of the special effect and prop work for the Lord of the Rings series, developed the fully working replica, complete with four wheel steering and it's ever rumored to have a working chaingun. However, I don't think this one has infinite ammo. Before I get into the significance of all this, here is a video of a test drive of the Warthog.

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Summer is over. SHIT.

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I haven't done one of these for a while. Who's ready for a mad orgy of picture madness from the intertubes?

You are! Yeah? Okay!

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I have been on a streak of writing about automotive subjects lately. This column will continue that streak because I found out some news today that probably won't shock you, but I think we were all hoping this was just going to remain a joke.

Apple and Volkswagen are in the early stages of talks concerning a collaboration that will start production of a VW car to be packed with entertainment and communications gizmos and gadgetry from Apple. And get this; they are talking about calling it the iCar. As if no one saw that coming.

I was really just hoping this was going to be a joke that stayed on the gripe corner, but it looks like this may become a reality. It is fitting that they chose Volkswagen as the manufacturer to approach for this project; VW has some of the trendiest cars on the market, including the EVER SO hip Beetle, and the long time favorite for bros and hipster chicks alike, the Volkswagen Jetta/Golf.

Imagine it now, you could be the trendiest scamp on the block as you drive your VW iCar down the road, listening to the latest indie band that no one knows about yet from the integrated iPod, with your MacBook in the passenger seat, and your Triple grande sugar free vanilla latte from Starbucks in your cup holder, all while talking to your friend on your iPhone about how Jill is so postmodern and how you wish you could be more like her. I can’t wait to cut the brake lines on one of these things!!!!1

But Apple hasn't stopped there; there are also talks about collaboration between Apple and popular toilet manufacturer American Standard. Little is known about what devices Apple plans to equip on these products, but I suspect there may be a vibrating dildo involved. Fredrickville.com was able to acquire some early prototype photos.


Other possible names may be the iShit, iDump, and iJustgottacrap.

[source] MotorAuthority.com

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Hey guys, sorry I haven't been posting as much lately, I've been kinda tied up doing stuff and being busy - oooor maybe it's just cuz I'm lazy. And I don't like you. Deal with it. Otherwise, I'm not giving you any cookies from my cookie jar. I know the song says you stole them from me, but I'm fairly certain I still have them.

This post is short and sweet.

Recently ConsumerReports.org posted videos from the Insurance Institute's crash tests showing results for a butt-load of cars that were produced over the last decade. I watched these videos for a good half hour, trying to find the car that faired the worst, (you know, so I can easily calculate the probablility of killing other drivers when I get road head rage.) The Chevrolet Cavalier was a pretty entertaining crash, so make sure to check out that carnage. Get it? Eh? CAR-nage. HAHA. Heh, damn, I hate myself.

They have a crap load of vehicles to choose from and it's a pretty good waste of your time. So clicky this linky and enjoy.

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When I was growing up I dreamed of one day becoming a car designer. I have always had a passion for automotive styling and design. Over recent years I have been watching the automotive industry crank out some really nasty designs, such as the Pontiac Aztek and pretty much anything from Dodge/Chrysler. But blunders like this don't stop at average consumer cars, the long arm of -Pete- bad design can affect some of the world's greatest automakers.

The Mercedes-Benz/McLaren SLR is an example of this. It's styling has bothered me since it's introduction in 2003, so I took it upon myself to tweak it's design...

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Yesterday afternoon I stopped off at a local Home Depot to grab some bolts for a project I’m working on. After searching for a while for the perfect metallic delights, I headed for the checkout. The self checkout lanes were wide open, and the conventional checkout had a long line. My bolts had to be checked through by an attendant, so I was forced to jump in the long line.

As I stood there waiting in excitement about my purchase, I noticed a boy jumping around at the self checkouts, clearly excited about hardware and tools. He then exclaimed to his mother, (standing in front of me) “Why don’t we use these checkouts, Mom?” I was anxious to hear her answer because this has always puzzled me. She only had two items. It was inefficient to be in my lane. But she gave me no such satisfaction. The boy persisted, and she nervously muttered something and told him she wasn’t going to change her lane. Then she socked him in the gut and made him puke blood. Okay, maybe that didn’t happen, but that’s how I imagined it in my head.

This may just be some random action of a stubborn wench, but I’ve seen a lot of people have this same reaction. There is an unease and reluctance when it comes to these machines. People are afraid that when they get up there, and it’s their time to sh*t or get off the pot, they are going to mess something up and be left, stranded, at the mercy of the checkout bot. Hell, I’ve had those machines get screwed up before too, but it doesn’t stop me from using them. Even when one of those things starts yelling at me about incorrect weight or whatever B.S. excuse it has for delaying me that day, it’s still better than idle conversation with a high school student.

The older the person it is you're standing behind, the funnier the interaction is. I stood behind a man in Wal-Mart one day as he tried to use the self checkout. He couldn’t get his item to scan and he was getting very upset. Of course he was covering the barcode with his old fingers, so it wouldn’t scan, BUT NO, it was the MACHINE’S fault. He just muttered some crap about “new fangled technology, blah blah, I’m old, blah, my hollow bones ache.” Then he farted.

I think Wikipedia said it best;

[quote]The time efficiency requires that the customers using the machine be reasonably competent. An inexperienced customer can cause the same sort of delays as an inexperienced cashier on a conventional register.[by]Wikipedia[/quote]

Now, as much as I like the convenience of self checkout lanes, I worry about them. I don’t worry about them making me look foolish when it comes check out time, but I worry they may one day start killing us all. They are programmed to do so, I know this. They are basic robots and robots have the purpose of killing all humans. As we progress further through time, robots are becoming more and more of a threat. That’s why I won’t use self checkouts. But my reason is purely from an absurd and slightly manic disorder. I fear a robot invasion. What’s your excuse? USE THE DAMN SELF CHECKOUT!

(I drew this!!!)

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As all of you know (or for God’s sake, I HOPE you know!) the world’s population is at 6.6 billion and rising. This is a huge damned problem. Our planet was not designed to support this many people living the way we do. There isn’t enough food, land, oil and fuel to go around, and the environment has gone to crap as a result. Everyone is quick to jump to alternate fuels to cut back demand on oil and help the environment. We’re constantly trying to find ways to feed the hungry in foreign countries. Instead of wasting all our efforts, I’ve got a much, much better idea.

We need to kill about two billion people.

Think about it, if we were to reduce the world population by 1/3rd we’d be able to free up massive amounts of resources and lessen the strain on this big rock we call home. Plain and simple, we’ve made it TOO easy to live. With advances in medicine, we’ve stopped common illness and made people live longer. We try to stop abortion and we go to great lengths to save the life of a baby who was born prematurely. We fight to keep people alive who are ready to die from serious illness. Why? Because someone might get upset if they die? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? The reason people die is to keep the population in check. Staying alive isn’t SUPPOSED to be this easy.

Now you may not agree with me, and you may be thinking that I would change my tune if I were in this situation. Hell no. If you remember, I’m the guy who doesn’t want to live past 50. So piss off.

I’m not quite sure how this massive human reduction should happen, but it absolutely needs to be done. War is always a good way to achieve this goal, but it doesn’t kill enough people fast enough. Perhaps a plague that wipes out an entire region in one quick swoop could do the trick, or maybe just random killings. These are all good ways to accomplish the goal, but I’ve been scheming up my own way to accomplish this.

DEATH DAY!

The same way we control the deer population by having hunting season, I propose we have one day, every year (or more often depending on how effective it is) when everyone will be allowed to kill anyone they so desire. No rules, it’ll be a “kill or be killed” kind of thing! Dog eat dog, tooth for tooth, and eye for eye. Eh, you get it. Point is, you can be the biggest hippie, the most extreme Buddhist, but whether you want to kill or not, you’d have to be part of the bath of blood or risk getting shanked. Plus it would finally give me a chance to kill all those babies I’ve been hankering to get my hands on.



The benefits would be HUGE. The weak will die off first (Darwin would agree.), it will ease up almost all problems in the world (seriously, think about a national or global problem, apply this DEATH DAY and tell me it wouldn’t help.) I'm sure annoying celebrities would be the first to go. DEATH DAY would give people a SERIOUS reality check. You know those psychological problems that everyone seems to have? Yeah, this would keep that bullshit in check real quick.

In closing, the governments of the world will not even acknowledge the over population as the cause for a massive amount of the world's problems, and at this rate, we’re going to see the population double in less than a hundred years. If you don’t agree with DEATH DAY, you’re a terrorist.




Wait…what?

Related useful links:
World Clock

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Fred has been changing up some stuff here on FV over the past couple days. You can now search column posts, and the gripe corner references columns using keywords. Last night I was going through my columns tagging them for this. My column style has changed a lot over the years. My new style of column posting has come under fire lately because its lack of meaningful substance. But long story short, the rapid fire style posting has helped revive FV.

So guess what? IT AIN'T CHANGIN'!

With all that said, I can move onto my new topic(s), if you dare even call then full-form thoughts.

I have weird phobias. Well, I don't really have any REAL phobias. I don't hide under a table, or lock myself in a closet when there is a thunder storm. That's just freakin silly. Seriously. Get out of that closet. Queer. NO! My phobias are bizarre. There are two;

Rickets: I usually have to explain this one to people because most people don't know what rickets are. It's a softning of the bones typically caused by vitamin deficiencies that causes the legs to bow out and become deformed. I don't ACTUALLY fear rickets though. It's mostly a conversation starter - a joke - when the topic of fears comes up.

Vans full of people: This one makes less sense, but hang with me past the jump and I'll make sense of it.

Once as a young kid I was riding my bike around my old neighborhood, and a dark red van was heading down the road towards me. I took notice of the van as it approched, and as it passed by I looked into the windows. This van was full of retarded kids waving and making faces and such at me. It pretty much scared the baby teeth out of me.

I didn't realize until just yesterday that this really traumatized me for some bizarre reason. As I was driving up I-93 I was passing a van that was full of people, and I kinda kringed and glaced off to the side so I wouldn't look inside. I always fear that if I did, those same damn retards are going to be there spazzing out. Yeah, I know, it is absolutly absurd, but I laughed after. It's so interesting how small events in a child's life can have a lasting impact.

Or maybe I just hate retards??

If you though this columns was outlandish, just wait for my next post.

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Back many summers ago, long before cars, parties, and an active soical life, I used to spend a lot of time sitting in from of my computer making stupid videos. This video is one of them.

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OKLAHOMA - After a long and emotional debate in the southern Oklahoma town of Chitston, town officials have now passed a ban on murder and murderous acts.

Many teary-eyed mothers and former murder victims gathered today in the town's meeting house and were overjoyed to hear the final ruling on the subject.

"We're so glad that the town officials and town's people could come together today to put this ban into place" said John Milner, who was murdered over 5 years ago. "It makes me feel a lot better about what happened."

Under this new ban, people will not be able to commit murder, talk about a movie scene where someone was shown being murdered, or think murderous thoughts. Some of the town's people did show strong protest after hearing the results of the meeting by stomping their feet and holding their breath.

No one has yet broken the murder ban, however, area police will be on high alert this coming Saturday when Rusty's Beer Hut has their monthly "Budweiser blowout sale."

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I'm not even sure if Robbie wants this kind of content on FV - it's a bit racey...but these chicks are intensly hot. Call me a horn-dog, but this was worth a post. EEEEE! This is crazy sexy! WATCH IT WATCH IT!

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Damn, everyone is posting something today; I don't want to be the lazy columnist who doesn’t write anything...

Ever since the video on the gripe corner titled "Bro Rape" was posted I have been taking notice of bros and bro behavior. I mean, I always knew what kind of person a "bro" was, but I've never been able to classify them this easily. Typically a bro is college male who wears striped polo shirts (often with the collar popped), has a cheap beer in his hand or on his mind, and sports some sort of bracelet (hemp or live strong.) These bros really do love to "chill," drink Natty Ice and listen to Dave Matthews. The video is remarkably accurate at describing who classifies as a bro. I'm just so glad I finally have a term to refer to them by.

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...and a picture.



I think I'm going to just start posting blank entries. Just to see if I can get away with that.

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Recently I have been getting tons of text messages in my inbox. Now, I'm not a big texting guy, I use it here and there, but I'd rather call if I actually have something to say. But some people I know are very irresponsible with their phones plus fingers. So I just wanted to lay down a little guide for some of you abusers.

Don't have a whole conversation with me via text. Texting is most useful when you just have one or two things to say. Like "I'm gonna be 10 min late." That is a good use of text messaging - no awkward phone call, no one gets hurt.


But when our text messages look like this...

You: Hey man
Me: What's up?
You: I'm just watching TV with my girl
You: I'm freaking hungry
Me: Wanna get some food?
You: No I don't have any money
You: Oh man, last night was crazy
You: I can't believe I did a back flip off the couch
You: I think I hit my head when I did it
You: It was so funny
You: I'm tired

If you wanted to have an idle conversation with me, why not just call and help me take advantage of some of my god damn un-used minutes?? Half my damn bill is from damn text messages while I'm getting charged for minutes I'm not even using!! Damn!

What it boils down to - text messaging is not like instant messaging, don't carry on a 20 part text battle with me. Usually I'm driving and it makes things pretty dangerous. If I wanted to have a long conversation with you, I'd expect you to call.


*Due to the major influx in my texting patterns, I decided to sign up for a text messaging plan. So I guess this post was pretty meaningless. Call me...text me...all you want. GO!

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Every so often in our lives, a television commercial comes along that leaves a long lasting impression. Well, just over a year ago, an ad like that came into my life when Verizon aired this video across our great nation. The following weekend ten people (all at once) approched me and told me that this guy reminded them of me. I feel like I became 0.45% more famous than I already am on that fateful day. It was a good day...

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YOU STINK!

Here's your dose of random interesting pictures I dug up. Enjoy, stinky.

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Firefox. It's been one of the things that enrages me about people on the net. Over the past year or so I've noticed a trend of Firefox users denouncing all other browsers and putting themselves on this undeserved pedestal. They get all high and mighty and talk down to people that use anything else, but the product they stand by has huge flaws.

Guess what? Firefox falls pretty short in almost all catagories against browsers like Opera, and yes, in some aspects even INTERNET EXPLORER. The claims that Firefox users use against it's opposition are unfounded and most are down right lies.

It pisses me off because Firefox fans are much like Mac fans. Telling everyone else they are better, but base their claims off how they "feel" about the product (i.e. what corperate and fanboy propaganda has fed them) instead of how the product actual works, or how it was designed and programmed. They act like it's a revolution.

Here's what I mean...(no goatse or porn in these links this time, I promise!)

Using choice words from Maddox, It's a web browser, not a social movement, asshole!

Robbie sent me this link on the subject, and if you are die-hard Firefox fan, I highly suggest you read this. If you still keep that shitty browser after reading it...then you are no better than the Mac users.



You ready to switch to Opera yet?

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When I'm not wasting time looking at celebrity bullcrap, I usually read articles on automotive web sites. Anyone who has been watching the automotive scene knows that (for obvious reasons) the industry is doing everything they can to develop vehicles that run off alternative fuels or producing hybrid models.

I'm all about that, the sooner we integrate the technology into the market and eradicate fossil fuels from our gas tanks, the better! But one thing that I keep seeing in the automotive news that I just don't understand - the hybrid supercar.



Shown above is a Ferrari F430 - a good example of a supercar. MSRP for a car like this is somewhere around $200,000. Only a small percentage of the public will own a car like this - this is the cream of the crop. So why the hell would Ferrari and automakers like them even consider making a hybrid version of one of their exclusive supercars? Why are companies that make exotic sports cars putting forth the effort on cars that are a minority on the tarmac.

It makes more sense for the big American manufacturers to be pushing their hybrid models, but they have hardly made a buzz about it in their advertising campaigns. Their attempts at becoming eco-friendly have been lackluster at best. It's THESE companies who need to re-think the way they do business. It's not the 1970's anymore, bigger isn't always better and more powerful isn't always smarter.

So it just seems really ridiculous when the smallest percentage of the automotive elite are developing hybrids, while the majority of the passenger cars being produced by mainstream manufacturers today hardly crack 30 mpg.

It's a joke!!! Laugh with me!!!! $3.00+ per gallon!!!

Not funny.

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Sorry I haven't been updating much lately. I've been in a bit of a tizzy over the last month and haven't really been putting in any effort. But you don't wanna hear my excuses, and I don't want to write them.

Over the last few months I have become strangly facinated with celebrity gossip web sites - not because I give half a crap about any of these mental midgets, but because some of this stuff is so asinine and off the wall, it adds a little spice to my normally boring internet adventures.

I was going through an article about Lindsay Slowhand partying (does she stop?) and wielding some kitchen knives (learned that from Farrington.) As I was looking through the pictures and I saw something that made me laugh. This was the first thing that came to my mind.

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My column lacks substance. But so does diarrhea.

So in a roundaboutwaythatdoesntmakesensebutyouwontquestion, my column lacks diarrhea. That's a good thing. So let's both agree my column is good.

Here's some slop I found on the internet. Enjoy it cuz it's all I'm giving you. Plus, Robbie is slacking on the posting, so I'm all you have right now. REJOICE! REJOICE!

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It's generally accepted that the south eastern portions of this great country are...err - not so great. I just stumbled across a couple of items that are testamant to how freakin' dumb the south is.

Riiiiiight.

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I keep stumbling into old Nintendo stuff on the internet, and it really makes me miss the time I spent with my old console. Back before graphics were a big deal, back when games were care free fun.

I threw away my original NES not too long ago. After attempting to repair it, I pronouced it dead. I think my brother spilt soda on/in it. But I did keep one of the controllers as a keepsake. Anyway, I found this comic, and that's what got me on the topic.

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Hadn't posted anything in a while, just figured I'd drop some column love on ya. Not the most terribly interesting article, but it works for me, k?

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I seem to be on a pet kick today. Here's a funny informational piece by a guy named Jared Purrington. I don't know who he is and I don't have any links. Soooooo - Mr. Purrington, that's your credit.

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When I was a kid we had a cat named Franny. Like most cats, she was ALWAYS around, with those prying cat eyes. Always watching. Always judging.

I got to thinking, why had we gotten this cat? Was it because I wanted it - or was it there to watch my every move?

I use to think that maybe my cat was not a cat at all. Maybe our "cat" was really a ROBOT, fitted with cameras and surveillance equipment. I thought that my parents had created this cat to watch my every adolescent move. Gathering data on what I was doing when they weren't home.

I still feel this way sometimes. After my first cat died from BONE CANCER, my mom got us a new cat. Identical to the first one. And even stranger...it had an even MORE robot-like name. Franny II.

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I know this topic is a little old, but this has been sitting on my "put in a column" list for a couple weeks now. Remind me again why I wrote about peanut butter earlier this week?

After the Mooninite crisis in Boston a month and a half ago, the Boston Police needed some help identify suspicious items within the city. A brilliant street artist came up with some stickers to help them out, and placed them on items all around the city. Here's what he had to say on the subject;

"In my efforts to help out the local law enforcement, I've labeled some items to ensure that no-one mistakes them for a bomb and deploys a contained explosion.

I do what I can to make the world a better place."

That's freaking great. This should help avoid any further pointless city-wide lock downs and explosions at the hands of the BostonPD.

[more pics]


[original source]

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In the world of sweets and treats, there are two titans that reign supreme. Blood has been shed over them for decades, particularly in West Africa. The people of these regions refer to these delights as blood chocolate, and blood peanut butter. Ew...that's damn gross. I'm talking about choco and PB here, folks.

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A couple weeks back I ordered some DVDs of my favorite Machinima series "Red vs Blue." During shipping one of the discs came loose and got all scratched up inside the DVD case. I contacted Rooster Teeth about it to see about replacing it. I expected the typical run around you get from companies when it comes to defective products, but instead was surprised by their ability to not suck. Here's the message I got:

Hello Andrew,

We're very sorry that your DVD was destroyed, and a new one will be sent right away. You should receive an email confirming the shipment at the time it goes out. Please keep in mind that this email will contain the new tracking number, but reflect the order as it was originally entered, not what is shipping. Feel free to keep the original, mangled DVD as a trophy and proof of the USPS's incompetence.

We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you and appreciate your patience. Please let us know if you have further questions or concerns regarding this.

Thanks,

Chris
Rooster Teeth Productions Customer Service

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Pretty awesome stop motion video.

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I went into Blockbuster with Fred and ThatSam the other night for something...I don't think it had to do with movies though. Well, while we were there I noticed this on the wall of the kids section:

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I've written about this topic before on this site, and for some reason the subject just keeps coming back. The use of the word "tragedy" is wrongly used all over the damn place, and it's one of my biggest pet peeves. Seriously, if I had a pet, I'd name it Peeves and anytime one of these subjects came up, I'd punch the damn thing. You'll be able to read more about this in my non-PETA safe article coming next week.

Moving on.

This weekend I was at Shaw's with Roboto and some chick, and on the newstand I saw a copy of Life and Style Weekly magazine with a picture of Britney Spears on it. The headline read, "Britney's Tragic Breakdown"

What the hell is so tragic about this douche going crazy? The real tragedy is that you can reach superstardom with mediocre talent. As I've said once and I'll say again, the term tragedy is meant to describe something that is extremely disasterous and widely distressfuly. To label any of Britney's affairs as tragic degrades the meaning of the word.

Let's put it this way...terrorist attack NYC on September 11th. Thousands of people die, hundreds of thousands lose family and loved ones and are still suffering today.

Miss Spears drugs up, shaves her head, loses her mind and has to be forcibly checked into rehab.

Tragedy?



I guess I'm just saying that you should use your words in the correct context or you might look like an uneducated idiot. (I'm looking at you Life and Style Weekly.)

Suggested reading:
[Tragic Tragedy]

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I spend a lot of time cruising the net, and I find some pretty awesome pictures in my travels...so I'm gonna make it a habit to start sharing some of the better ones. Plus, I couldn't resist showing this picture of Robbie eating a baby sandwich. Enjoy.

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This is a really freakin' insane car crash! There is only ONE car in this picture. Crazy thing is that the driver walked away from this accident without any real injuries and called emergency services himself. WOOT!

Don't worry, I am planning to post some other crap soon, just didn't feel like doing it tonight. So I decided to post some carnage instead. Get it CAR-nege. Ugh, you get it.

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South Park consistantly has the FUNNIEST little songs in their shows. Saw this one last night of Ike performing at the school talent show. Pretty hilarious.

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Some automobile manufacturer made some trike. Normally I wouldn't care, and neither would you. But...

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I heard some news recently that shook my world. It shook it like a new born. Word on da streets is Justin Timberlake is working his voodoo magic to trick Scarlett Johansson into being his woman. Now, this causes a major problem with me because anyone with a brainstem knows that Scarlett is MY woman.

I can see how she would be fooled, and I don't hold it against her. Mr. Timberlake is a hot item these days, I mean he put his dick in a box alongside the beloved Andy Samberg on SNL, so I won't stoop so low as to call him a loser and point out all his flaws...JUST KIDDING!!!1 HA HA HA HA HA, He's not Ka-blamo!!!

I don't know what she could possibly see in him, he sings like a little girlie, and just like every other pop star, he doesn't write his own music. He's nothing more than a corperate label whore. I'm in a madly sucessful band, I write my own stuff and I sing like a sexy man sings. The choice is obvious.

He's not even as good looking as everyone thinks he is. Always wearing those trendy hats...his style is that of a chemo patient...or an AIDS victim.

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I found this letter amunst some of my grade school stuff. Pretty interesting...

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Isn't it SWEET??? I really love the integration of all the features. Wow, music and commuications collide into one sleek package! OH MAN! You are all so totally jealous of me right now!!

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The dirty hooker look is in. Thanks to pioneers like Titney Spears and Christina Whorguilera, it's okay to look like a street walker. I'm not sure why anyone thinks this look is appealing. I mean, look at this pic. You'd think this ugly ass dood would be amped to have ANY girl all up onz him like this, even the manly Jessica Simpson, but he clearly wants to gouge out his eyes.

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Asian are funny people, we all know this.

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I have noticed an interesting trend lately. We have all seen the signs and t-shirts that say something like "I love New York" with a big heart in place of the word love. It's a classic, instantly recognizable image. In fact, it has become iconic in its nature. You see it everywhere now. I (heart) my grandpa, or I (heart) sandals.

Well, what I have noticed is that it has become so iconic that some advertisers and merchandise manufacturers can pretty much put any image in place of the heart and the message is still the same. But sometimes you see one that just makes no damn sense. We've all seen them. The ones where the image they use is such a far stretch, you just pause and think about it for a second because the message was clear, but it shouldn't be. Some of them are just so zany that you just can't make sense of them.

Here are some examples of what I mean.

The last one cracks me up everytime. Feel free to make stickers out of these images and put the all over your locker, your notebook, or your face.

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This article is taken dircetly from the Voodoo Extreme web site. They were ranking the best PC games of the XP generation. Me (being the Halo freak I am) wanted to see where Halo ranked on the list. The article below describes exactly how I feel about stupid ass Microsoft and how they are stabbing PC gamers in the back.

19) Halo: Combat Evolved
First-Person Shooter
Developed by Gearbox
Published by Microsoft
Release Date: 09/30/03
Average Rating - 8.7

Gearbox had the honors of porting Halo from the Xbox to the PC. It did a pretty good job too, as it's still one of the more played PC games online (you can usually find a couple thousand people playing online at any given time). Gearbox had planned on supporting the game longer with mod tools and other free stuff, but Microsoft didn't seem interested in having the PC version outshine its console counterpart. Maybe MS will care about Windows as much as it does Xbox someday.

Damn right.

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I just found this pretty cool website and wanted to share. You ever hear a song on the radio that gets stuck in your head, but can't figure out who sings the song? Well this cool little web site can actually find out for you. Just sing the tune into a microphone, or even HUM it and this thingiemajopper will smack you in the face with the answer. Don't believe that it works? Try it out. It's the only way to try it out, you know.

Awesome little video I saw on Break.com. Yeah, I know it's cheesy to repost stuff I find on the net, but that doesn't make it any less funny.

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In efforts to revive MY column here on FV, I'm gonna be posting more. I've been having trouble coming up with new ideas. So I'm gonna start expanding what my column actually IS. I'm not always going to post full columns about a subject matter that upsets me or interests me. I'll try and post those as often as possible because I think those are what FV needs most, but I'm gonna start posting anything I find on the internet that I find amusing or awesome. So get ready for anything I find to be great.

Here's an example of what I'll be posting.

Viacom sucks. The clip I originally posted is since long gone, but here's another one to tide you over...

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Today I somehow stumbled onto Military.com and noticed an interesting article. It was titled "Military Shows Off New Ray Gun." Obviously that caught my attention, because I love the idea of ray guns and killing things. But this article was not a literary manifestation of my heart's desires.

I read a bit into the article and despite the ray gun's bad ass appearance (pictured right), it is not intended for lethal uses. The skinny on this fatty is that it shoots a beam of microwaves or something that makes its target feel like they are about to catch fire. Basically a non-lethal way of pissing off your enemies and encouraging them to fire back at you. The military feels like this weapon will help in the war on terror by making suicide bombers so uncoforatable they just go home and blow up their bathtub instead. The article also said that the ray gun wouldn't be ready for production until 2010. Which tells me that they are planning on us being in Iraq for AT LEAST that long. WOOHOO!

Anyway, if they want to make this a worth-while weapon, they should crank up the juice on it and ACTUALLY set people on fire. How cool would it be to have a weapon that just vaporizes the target?

But this unique weapon has other, civilian uses. Why not modify it to beam a ray of self respect? Or maybe good looks? Hell of a lot more useful than one where "the pain is comparable to an intensified version of opening an oven and feeling the initial blast of hot air."

Well, all-in-all a pretty cool idea, I just hope they make some modifications to it to make it beam intelligence to people. That would make the world a much better place and would make me a hell of a lot less violent.

Read original article

*for those of you keeping score, this is the third article I have posted that featured a Hummer somewhere in it.

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This column is pretty nerdy, I will admit, so if you are a fine lady, I don't want to tarnish my rep. Don't read any further. If you are a guy or an uggo, you may continue...

Microsoft can kiss my shiney metal ass, seriously. Everyone hates Microsoft for one reason or another, but up to this point, I hadn't really had any major gripes with them, but now I've got beef with them...like...two whoppers worth.

As most of you know, I'm a Halo junkie. I've been pretty obsessed with it since it came out. I've played the campaign on the original about a dozen times. I also beat Halo 2 at a friend's house in about a week. Notice how I said I went to a friend's house. I don't own an Xbox. I hate gaming systems. Wait...let me rephrase. I hate how much money you have to piss away to own and enjoy a gaming system. So I do all my gaming from my PC. That's right. I'm a PC gamer.

Halo 2 came out for the Xbox in late 2004, and I was anxiously waiting for its release on the PC...and waiting...and waiting. Three years later and FINALLY Bungie and Microsoft announced that they would be releasing Halo 2 for the PC. I was thrilled...but still bitter we had to wait so long. Microsoft spend so much time and effort telling us PC gaming was the way to go. They they developed the Xbox and turned their back on the PC gaming community. They further proved this by alienating us; holding back release dates on games such as Halo. But thats not my big problem. It was at first, but then I learned some new information. Vista.

Halo 2 is only available on a PC with Windows Vista installed. Bullshit. There is nothing that Vista has that would dictate if this game can be played or not. But they are not developing it for XP. Vista only. I almost feel like Microsoft is trying to bully XP users into Vista with moves like that. I'm all about Vista, from what I've seen its going to be a pretty amazing OS, but to take one of the most popular games in history (Halo 2) and release it exclusivly for an operating system that will have only been on the market for a few months is total crap. I am not ready for the move to Vista, with a major overhaul to the Windows lineage such as this, I know it's gonna be buggy at first. I take my computer seriously, and I'm not willing to be running an OS that I can't trust yet.

Long story short, Halo, my favorite gaming series ever, has been on hold for three years now, and Microsoft can kiss my ass if they think I'm gonna pick up Vista just to play it. I'd like to, but I'm wait a little longer until I'M ready to make the switch.

Screw Microsoft.

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No, not a big. Reaction.

Just that it absorbed electricity from our combative, confrontational, insecure and unstable - and appear to need.

Why?

Itchy foot, itchy foot, itchy foot, itch! Imperative.

I need some help, some transportation. Thoughts aloud Shuffling slaves had brought up leafy branches which eightballs of dung. Finding Heimskur, OF COURSE! So we can find out if he still has the always do something attitude. Shivering uncontrollably.

The light in the waterproof fixture revealed...no one tell me do thing unless he beat me, you illiterate.

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Ok, so anyone who has ever been around me on "Black Friday" knows it irritates the SHIT out of me. I mean COME ON, they already have the entire month of February!

HAHA. That was a joke.

If you missed it, go back and read it again. If you have to read it a third time..Mr. T pities you.

Black Friday is considered the first day of the Christmas shopping season. Everyone goes and starts their quest...nay...CONQUEST to get as much shit for Christmas as they can. Why? Because they are TOLD to. It's a trend, and we know I hate trendy shit. Anytime people do things because they are told to...it pisses me off.

These yuppie idiots wake up at the ass crack of dawn on their DAY OFF to get to Wal-mart at 5 a.m. so they can get that doll that pisses and bleeds from the anus for little Suzie-Q. Seriously, just put ketchup in the tube and BLAM, out comes blood from the anus!

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Since Motorola has released the RAZR, PEBL, and the KRZR I just felt that they might have stopped short. I mean, having LEET hackers come up with the names for your products was pretty cool, but I have another ground breaking idea for Motorola.

Introducing...

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So anyone who has read a couple of my previous posts, or has spent much time with me knows how I feel about people who buy stuff because it's trendy. There are a couple of good examples of the products I'm talking about...

If you own more than 1 of these "fine" products, I ask you why? Is it because they are the best product you can buy, and are they the best overall value? There are butt loads of better phones than the Razr, Creative makes a far superior MP3 player than the iPod, Starbucks is over priced and seriously not THAT good. And if you think that Macs are better than PCs, I really hate you. You know absolutly nothing about computers and you are basing your opinion solely off Apple's misleading ads. I have a desktop PC, and a laptop that together cost less than a damn MacBook and guess what, they have equally good hardware and I have NEVER gotten a virus.

If you are reading this thinking I am wrong, I'm gonna tell you a little something about yourself...YOU ARE A HUGE CORPERATE TOOL. And money grubbing corperations have brain washed you. Anyone who is up in arms about these products is a complete idiot and should seriously consider killing themselves.

No, I'm serious.

Honestly, I'm losing steam to finish writing this crap. It's just something that pisses me off, and these products are pushed so hard by companies, and people eat it up. But they don't just eat it up, these assholes think they are SOOOOOOOOOOOO great because of it. Well, you elitist bastards, keep pissing away your money and go pop you f*cking collar somewhere else.

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I'm getting tired of fake ass white rappers. You know the kind I'm talking about. The kid who lives in an average suburban neighborhood but thinks he's from the hood. Kids who grew up in central New Hampshire, but claim Boston. SCREW YOU! You're not hard, and if you got thrown into a real "street" situation, you most likely be getting ass pummeled by some big black dood.

Here is my big problem...if you're gonna do something...if you want to be a legit rapper...don't ride on the coat tails of Eminem. He was an innovator, he had something to prove. What do you have? These kids pop up calling themselves "Young D" or "The Felon." I dunno...it's all pretty lame.

They don't have it. Know why? I'm gonna describe every white rapper to you right now. He's wearing white shoes and cleans them everyday. He is wearing jeans or something corny like corduroys. Ha. He's wearing a BIG ASS white or baby blue jacket with a basketball jersey under it. He's got a bunch of cheap ass chains that he got from a pawn shop. His eyes are kinda half opened...but it's not cause he's stoned...it's cause he has down syndrome or some shit. And here's the kicker...the white hat....cocked up and to the side. They all do it as if it's so cool. They claim they have style...but if that's style...I'd rather go naked. And I do.



Here comes another round of gripes...grrr. Ok, if you're putting together your shit...stop calling it a damn mixtape. What are you mixing...it's just you. And more importantly...why are you still using tapes? See what I mean? It's a demo. Call it a demo. Not that anyone is ever gonna hear it anyway...who wants to hear some kid from New Hampshire talk about how he was pissed he didn't have milk for his cereal this morning? It's not like they have anything real to rap about.

"Awwww...yea yea, were gonna be dropping the illest tracks the east coast has ever heard, you can get the Federation's new EP: True Thug Lyfe when it drops in stores next month!"

Wait...what store? I'm sorry...don't you need a record label...or maybe to be signed to get an album in stores? Yeah...I'm thinking so. So stop pretending you're bigger than you are. In the words of Fat Mike...you condecending f*cks make me want to laugh and puke at the same time.

F*ck...these poseurs make emo kids look good.

I bet one of them is gonna put me in a rap now, "dissin" on me. Go ahead. Like I said, not like anyone is ever gonna hear it.

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I'm gonna take this time to talk about one of my favorite places in the United States of America. TEXAS! Why the hell are people from Texas so ANNOYING? Is there a RULE that says if you were born in Texas, you have to be the stereotypical wanna-be cowboy?

"YEEEEEEEHAW!"

"Jim, would you please stop 'yehawing,' go back to your desk and finish filing those reports."

Everyone in Texas thinks they were raised herding cattle on a ranch, and that EVERYONE should act that way. The men all have to wear jeans, of course held up by HUUUUUUGE belt buckles. Buckles bigger than your head! They all have to wear the button up long-sleeve work shirt....always. And the women...there are two types of Texas woman. The one who dresses and acts just like the men...or the submissive housewife that gets beaten every night when "Buck" comes home after having too many. Hey, it's true.

If that doesn't make it all bad enough, it gets worse. No citizen of Texas would be complete without such cheesy phrases as:

"Don't mess with Texas!" or "Everything is bigger in Texas."

Look, just because you took a HUGE piece of real estate from a bunch of indian tribes, and a bunch of dirty mexicans, doesn't mean you should go around bragging. Oh! Congrats, you got a big pile of drought plagued DIRT!

I want to come up with some cool phrases for New Hampshire! Ones like...

"Don't consider disrespecting New Hampshire!" or "Everything is pretty ordinary in New Hampshire!"

Yeah, those are pretty fitting.

Oh, before I go, I found this monkey...and I must share.

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Imagine this...

A bird carrying the bird flu from Asia reaches the Alaskan coast where government appointed specialists desperatly attempt to contain the spread of flocks with infected birds. Their attempts fail. The infected bird then merges with North American flocks and travels South towards the U.S., where it is biten by a mosquito infected by the West Nile virus.

It then creates a super virus and we all die.

or...

The bird explodes.

HAHAHAHA!!!1

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Poop on a Stick proudly presents...

Idiot of the Week!*

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Ok, let me first start off by saying that I REALLY do not appreciate the Tilton police. This evening I went to dinner with a bunch of FV members. As I was leaving to go home, I came to a set of lights that started to turn yellow and had to make that split second decision to run it or stop. Well, I made the decision to run it. I COULD have stopped, but it would have been one of those un-enjoyable sudden stops. Anyways, so as I went through the light, I saw the infamous blue lights behind me. With sirens blasting, the cop pulled me over and then gave me a little rant about how I COULD have stopped for it, then proceeded to take 15 minutes in his cruiser, no doubt scrounging for something to give me a ticket for. Only one catch….I didn’t break any laws. So he came back empty handed and just told me not to do it again. I’m pissed because he gave me a shit load of attitude about it when I had done nothing wrong. I’ve written about this topic before. Tilton cops need to pick their battles better...(click to read previous topic)

Well, enough about that, here’s what I really wanted to talk about.

While I was looking around for artists to be featured on FVR, I noticed a pattern. All the stuff bands are playing is the same. Emo/Pop-Punk. I’m really getting tired of it. I mean, I’m not saying I hate pop-punk, anyone who’s been in my car knows I listen to that stuff here and there…but when it’s the ONLY thing that new bands are playing, it gets a little redundant. What happened to being original, I ask you, citizen?? WHO KILLED ORIGINALITY!?! Bands like Simple Plan, Yellowcard, Fall Out Boy, and even the local band Differenc….errr…Rozaline. Here’s my beef with your beloved Rozaline, they classify themselves as “Indie” but as someone who listens to A LOT of music, I know the difference between Indie and pop-punk. These guys and girl…very cute girl, I might add…are pop-punk. I’m not saying they are bad. However, they are NOT original. What’s the point of playing music if you’re just going to ride off a sound that thousands of other bands have already played out?? I’m over it.

It’s time for rant #2! My column is like a value pack! You get 30% more free here at Poop on a Stick!

Ok, MySpace.com has been getting a lot of bad publicity from the media lately. This week alone I have heard at least three reports from the media, local and national, bringing up issues with MySpace. The stories that bother me the most are stories of 15-year-old girls getting raped as a result of someone they met on MySpace. So the site gets the bad rap for someone else’s bad decisions. It isn’t the site’s fault, it isn’t Tom’s fault….it’s the fault of the parties involved.

Profiles for users under 14 are "private" and cannot be viewed unless you are friends with the user. Users over that age can be viewed by any registered user…which brings me to another point. Once they set up their profiles, they seriously WHORE themselves out on it. They post sexually driven pictures, with captions that say “I’ll show you a good time” or something with equal sexual undertones. What I’m saying is that they are practically asking for this crap.

Then we know what the next step is in this story…soccer moms get angry and lobby to get the government to have MySpace taken down. Now this is where I say F*CK THAT! The site is NOT responsible for protecting your child! Maybe if these parents spent more time raising their children, and being good PARENTS, then things like this wouldn’t happen. Oh wait…did Andy just ask for parents to be responsible for their child?? Oh my god! How dare he! Parents need to keep better tabs on their children’s lives. Period.

Now, obviously I’m not saying these sorts of things are okay. A rape of a teenager is a terrible thing, but what I AM saying is that people need to stop pushing the blame off to someone else, and start looking within the walls of their own houses for the problem. I just predict a rising up from suburban mothers against things like this, and I think it’s bullshit.

Chew on that for a while, I think you’ll find it tastes like rotten hamburger.

DINNER TIME!!

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Ok, so here’s my little story, gather round and I’ll tell it…and if you’re good, I’ll refrain from beating you. On Wednesday evening Robbie, Kallie, Chris and I all decided to go out for some delectable half-priced treats from the Restaurant with an apple on it. I think you all know what one I’m talking about it. Well, as we all got out of our vehicles, we notice something RATHER funny. What was it?

I’ll tell you down here in this paragraph. It was a Hummer 2, or an “H2” as they are known on the streets. Well, the driver of this modern marvel of junk decided instead of driving out through the parking lot and going through the lights, he would drive OVER the snow bank directly to the road. One LITTLE problem; he’s driving an H2, not a AM General Hummer. So he got stuck. Pretty badly too.

Like so many other H2 owners, he thought he bought a military grade vehicle with modern styling. But there are huge differences between the original Hummer and the H2. The Hummer was tested and designed for extreme uses and was engineered with that in mind. The H2 was made for city slickers who want a huge presence on the road and have no concern for the environment or wasting money. I’ve always hated SUV’s, but these ones really boil my buttons.

So this guy is stuck in a snow bank in a vehicle that is supposed to be able to go through tough terrain. This guy must have felt as stupid as a bag of hair sitting in his $50,000 lump of STUCK.

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So a few weeks ago, I was out running some errands on one of my rare days off. I was in the LA-conia area, and I started to get some hunger pangs. I WAS HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF! Not like Freaky B with a helpless babe, but the way Duran Duran used it. Hmmm…actually not like that at all. I was hungry in the way where my belly needed nourishment. So I started looking for something tasty to put into my food processing plant. Where did I end up? Where else, but the BK Lounge! Hmmm…I don’t think Sir Fredrickson appreciates these “inside jokes.” So I’ll spare him, and make it clear that the ”BK Lounge” is Dane Cook speak for Burger King.

So it was about 400° outside, (Ha! I’m exaggerating!) and the lounge of BK (get it?) seems like an oasis to my hot, steamy body. So I place my order and wait for my food. Once my tray was ready for departure, I headed back to my booth and as I was gobbling down my yummy bacon double cheeseburger, I looked up into a twisted world.

In the corner of the Laconia BK, there is a room. It’s a small, glassed off room where parents send their kids to eat. The kids think they are special because they get their own room, but the parents are just happy to get rid of their f***ing kids for 5 minutes. Who can blame them? Kids are freaking annoying. End of story.

Oops, that wasn’t really the end of the WHOLE story. Sorry for the confusion.

Anyways, so I look up to the glass of the detention center, and I noticed that BK had replaced those cool kids we grew up on, from the BK Kids Club, with something new. Something evil.

Really quickly, I just wanna have a flashback with some of you. The BK Kids Club characters were pretty cool during the early 90’s. Granted, their image had faded a bit since the turn of the century, but they will be missed. Well, at least the kid with the sweet goggles and that space dog. They were the only characters that actually mattered. An able-bodied athletic white male, and a space dog? The choice was obvious for me too.

Continuing on, BK replaced the beloved BK kids with these things called Honbatz. Now these things aren’t NEARLY as screwed up as PBS’s Boohbahs, but they make me fear that no age group is safe from corporate America’s mind poisoning. Here is my problem with the Honbatz: They are similar to crack addicts. If you go to their WEB SITE (I wrote it big so you know to click it. Don’t let me down) and watch the short cartoons for each character, you soon realize they crave hamburgers, fries, and ketchup as badly as a crack addict craves….wait…I bet you can guess what I’m gonna say. That’s right, kids! CRACK ROCK!

After viewing the cartoons, and examining the characters, I realized it was very clear. These little bastards are teaching the youthlings that obsessive consumption and bags under your eyes are the cool thing.

Well, it isn’t cool! Crack isn’t cool, obesity isn’t cool, and little f***ing monsters are NEVER cool. They scare the crap out of me. If I saw one of those things, NO JOKE, I’d poop.

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Hey guys, what’s up? What have you been up to? Oh really? Yeah, pretty much the same here. Oh yeah, how’s your mother? Oh, that’s too bad. She may want to look into amputation. It may be her only option at this point. Ok, well I gotta go write a column, we’ll continue this conversation some other time. Tell John I said hi.

The earth shook as the ash and small children came raining down. The sky was as red as the blood on the ground, and there was a sulfuric smell to the air. The war between the babies and the hobos raged on with no end in sight. With a war cry no one could mistake, a maverick hobo punched the prophet baby in the face. This all could mean only one thing. Hell has come to earth. or…I’ve completely lost my mind. I guess you can pick.

Today I noticed something interesting. Do you know any firefighters? I know a few. Here is something you probably have noticed, but never said anything about. Firefighters ALWAYS wear their “firefighter attire,” as I call it. You know what I mean, those shirts that say “TNFD” with some little emblem on the front, then on the back a huge thing saying “Engine 3” or something. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not trying to make fun of firefighters. I just think it is an interesting phenomenon. Almost 90% of the time, they wear these shirts. I guess it would be cool to have pride in your job. I want a job like that. I think I’m gonna become a firefighter. Or a veterinarian. Or an artist. I guess I could be anything.

I wonder if fire fighters get calls about skunks in people’s houses very often…

Hell no they don’t. Do you know why? Because skunks are crazy suicidal animals that spend all their time behind trees waiting for the perfect moment to spring out and get their entrails splattered all over the yellow lines. I know this because EVERY night I come home, or every morning I head to work, I smell skunk. Now, who knows, maybe these little bastards are just running around spraying shit for fun, but the other morning I saw one dead in the road, and it confirmed my thoughts that skunks are killing themselves. Looking back, I regret writing this paragraph. It seems kinda pointless. Meh, well, it’s too late, you already read it. Quick! Come with me to the next paragraph, we’ll just pretend this one never happened.

Phew! We made it! Good job making it over that white space. Seriously, you never know what is going to be in those damn white spaces. I found an old shoe last time and it tried to eat my head. Don’t ask.

I don’t like Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. I’m not talking about the new one either. I haven’t even seen it. Don’t want to. To be honest, the original film sucked. Ever since 6th grade, everyone has hailed it as such a great movie. I never understood the fascination. I always thought it was just…uhhh…annoying. Call me the anti-Christ if you will, but…I can think of about 50 other movies that are better cult classics that that crap. There. Now I said it. I will not be shunned to the pits of hell to watch those damn babies and the hobos battle that shit out. I won’t even care. I’ll kick a hobo and punch a baby and I will take over hell. Simple plan, but I’m sure it will work.

Confused yet? Me too.

Have a nice day.

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So it’s day…uhhhh…hmmm…who knows. But it has been a pretty rad time out here in Cali. To be honest, again it’s late, everyone is starting to pass out from sunburn/alcohol consumption and I’m here, holding it down, keeping all you wonderful peons posted on our FUN FUN FUN times in the SUN. Am I rubbing it in enough? Hmmm…I say no. Let’s see some pictures!!!

(Left) Remember those whore cards? Yeah, here they are...they're TRADING CARDS!! I'll trade you a brunette for a blonde! (Right) Who is sexier than this man, I ask you? No one! Ended


(Left) Brian is squaring off with Paul...Paul thinks it's funny....we do too. (Right) So later on Monday we went to play pool. I was pretty much the best player....ever....and Sarah is a pool shark. She took all my money. I regret that bet.



(Left) Brain and Goupil having sex....that's no lie.(Right) At Rhino Records, we found out Goupil IS indeed bigfoot.



(Left) Guu and Eric pimpin' their sweet tourist shirts. (Right) And....uhhhh...WTF??



Chexor this. These fly ass kids made this sweet ass jump and I totally just cut them in line and jumped off. It was damn funny. Then Mike did it too. Also very sweet. Or so we thought...



This kid totally is UPSIDE DOWN!!! We look like losers in comparison.

And to conclude this little photo montage...I do love the beach...



When you want to show the passage of time...you need a MONTAGE

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So I’m going to attempt to tell everyone here at FV the low down on what is happening to a good chunk of the FV community out in Cali. But I must warn you, I’m probably just going to ramble on about stupid things that didn’t matter. Believe me; you’ll still love it anyways. They’re will be pictures.

It's a pretty cool, pleasant night in California. Today was nice and warm, and there was NO humidity. Hmmm...I mean, I guess I should be off, scaling mountains and punching hobos, but we're all at base camp tonight. We watched Team America World Police. There are people here who I don't know. I guess I could ask this dude his name, but he is telling a pretty rad story. It's all gooooood. Paul says it Kurtis, but I'm not sure I should believe him.

Let's talk about day one, though. We flew out of Logan at 5 pm on Saturday. Boring flight and it was hot. Very hot. So hot that I puked. I puked all over the plane. Ask anyone, I did. Later we arrived in Chicago (or Chick-ah-go as the Chinese lady at the terminal said) Pretty much the only kewl thing was the crazy amounts of escalators and moving sidewalks. They were pimp. But the major problem I have is that PEOPLE DON'T WALK ON THE MOVING SIDEWALKS!!! They just freaking STAND there!!! Like WALKING is so exhausting that the moving sidewalk is such a HUGE relief. I almost punched a little kid in the head.

Sarah and I had sex on one of the escalators.

Then we started our last leg of the travel. It was a little more exciting. We saw crazy lightning, wildfires, and Las Vegas all lit up at night. Vegas is pretty awesome if you’ve never seen it from the sky at night. It goes from absolute black desert to the mecca of gambling and hookers.

We met up with Goupil, Paul, Alex, and Eric and headed down the strip. By the time we got to Vegas most of us had been up for close to 24 hours, but why be in Vegas if you aren’t going to check out all the sweet shit. We got whore trading cards!! So sweet!! I wish I could tell this tale with more detail and more clarity, but it is kinda late, and everyone behind me is chatting it up, so I am VERY distracted.


But before the night came to a close, we decided we needed one last bit of excitement. Jess and Rayno are sleeping in the garage, so we decide to all go outside, turn on the lights to the car outside, and open the door while everyone goes dun…DUN….DUN!!!! DUN DUN!! If you can’t imagine what I’m talking about, here is a photo aid.

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Over the past few weeks I have realized that a good majority of girls are either bisexual or “bi-curious.” What the hell is bi-curious anyways? If you are “curious” but will make out with a chick any time the opportunity arises, you have left the domain of curiosity, and have entered the world of being bisexual.

Bisexual?…I can’t imagine being bisexual. Can you imagine wanting to screw everyone you meet? Imagine all of the phone numbers you’d accumulate! I’m sorry; I definitely just stole some of George Carlin’s stand-up material right there. But I had to say it. I’m a bad bad boy. Anyways, I guess it’s just easy for chicks to do. Girls are hot. Guys are hairy. Ewwww. I don’t even like showering with myself. Dudes are gross.

You think I’m making generalizations though, don’t you? Two of my three previous girlfriends liked tacos as much as ye ol’ bat and balls. Also, at some of the past few parties I have been at, chicks were making out. Not just making out though…like...it became softcore porn. Furthermore, at work, THREE chicks decided to make out during one of my shifts. Chicks are always making out with each other. It’s science.

I can’t even get a damn girlfriend, and these chicks are getting action wherever they want. Sometimes I wish I were a chick, for the obvious reasons, but also because if I were a girl, other girls would want to make out with me and touch me. But as a guy, what do I get? I’m in the hunt for attention. I wear my hair in interesting ways, and do all the things to get the chicka’s attention, and I get NUFFIN!

Here is the other debate surrounding this subject. If a girl is in a relationship and she makes out with another guy, it is called cheating. But if a girl makes out with another girl, it’s freakin’ hot like wasabi. Why is this? Almost 100% of guys like girl on girl action, I know I do. However, when one of those girls is my girlfriend, I have mixed feelings. I guess I just have an old school method of thinking. Whatever. I’m getting off subject.

That brings me to my next paragraph. Most of us know a lot of girls do all this just to get a rise out of guys, in more ways than one I guess. It’s an easy way for them to get attention with very little effort. Heck, at those parties where chicks were making out, it became the hot topic for quite some time after.

To wrap up my little essay of doom, if chicks wanna make out with everyone so much and they have so much love to spread around, why aren’t they spreading it on me? No seriously, you chicks need to start making out with me.

I’m very aroused.

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YOUR LEADER HAS RETURNED AS THE PROPHECY PREDICTED! GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEYS IN A LARGE PAPER OR PLASTIC BAG AND GIVE ME CANDY BARS! DON’T YOU HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE WRITE IN ALL CAPS? DON’T YOU FEEL VERY THREATENED, AS IF I AM YELLING AT YOU? WELL, I AM YELLING! I AM VEEEEEERY ANGRY RIGHT NOW. I WANT THOSE CANDY BARS.

Candy bars rhymes with cars. I drive one. A car…not a candy bar (in case you were confux0red.) When I am driving, I see SUVs. I freakin’ hate SUVs…they are more like SUCK-UVs. There is absolutely no reason for a housewife living in the city to own one. Even if they DO need all the extra room for groceries, kid’s sports equipment, or antelopes, a Minivan will provide that and will do it better and on less gas. Ahhhhh, gas, the number one reason I hate Suck-uvs. Going zero to sixty in 12 gallons, they suck up more gas than anything on the road. Gasoline is a resource that is running out faster than Tickle Me Elmos during the Christmas of 1996, and all the gas is going to disappear cuz of them road hoggin’ biatches!

Them stupid vehicles are death traps for everyone within 100 feet. The driver could die from a rollover (that is if Firestone doesn’t get to ‘em first.) or they could simply run you over. Suck-uv’s are considered “light truck vehicles” so they are exempt from bumper height regulations cars have to abide by. So when a stupid “LTV” hits your car, it doesn’t just crunch your bumper…it runs yo’ ass ova! No questions asked.

For a second, lets imagine a world with no big ass SUVs around. I would say gas prices would be down, because there would be less demand. I may be wrong on that, I’m no economist. Who cares, it’s never going to happen anyways. Take my hand, keep dreaming with me…parking lots would be friendlier, and you wouldn’t have to squeeze between two fat ass SUVs to get into a parking spot, only to have your car hit by their door while they are loading up THREE bags of groceries. The death rate on the road would be considerably lower. So there would be less of a chance of dying when you're out on a Sunday drive. YAY! What a happy place this would be. I want to live in that place. Oh wait…there is a place like that…I think it’s called Europe. Those guys pay out the bum-bum for gas. But I mean, not literally. I don’t think anyone would accept poop instead of cash. I know I wouldn’t.

We all know this dream will never come true, but there is something you can do. I’m not sure what that is really, but you'll think of something.

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The aliens came down to and brought me into their . When I woke up, I looked to my left and saw , and then I looked to my right and saw . I started to . The aliens came in and looked at me and . I took a closer look at them, and it turns out the aliens were actually . They all began to and one of them even me. It was a gay old time really, they started to and , until Jarred showed up in his and killed everyone. All that was left was and Jarred. They fell in and had a bouncing baby .

The End

This has been another presentation brought to you by Andy

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I had once started writing a column about this topic, but it seems all the more relevant to finish it now, after Aaron’s passing, to bring it up. - Andy

How many times are you driving down the road in your car and see an elderly person doing something stupid? Whether it be taking FOREVER to get into a parking spot, driving slow as all hell, or running a stop sign, many old people are unfit to drive. I myself have almost been involved in some accidents because of the inability of the elderly to drive safely.

On one occasion, I was coming through Tilton and was coming around a turn to cross the bridge in the center of town, only having to slam on my brakes because of an elderly woman, who could barely see over the dashboard, sitting in the middle of the bridge stopped for no reason. Imagine if I had gone off the bridge into the river trying to avoid her!! The results could have been horrifying! Also, one day I was coming down Route 106 towards Laconia, when an elderly man started coming into my lane. Luckily, I was far enough away that I was able to swerve into the shoulder to avoid him.

Point being, many of the elderly lack the skills needed for driving a vehicle. Not only that but they operate large, cumbersome, poor maneuvering vehicles (always seems to be a white Lincoln Town Car in my case.) Something needs to be done before more people die at their hands.

The state, and furthermore, the whole country, should seriously consider a yearly, or at least bi-yearly, re-testing for drivers over 70 to insure their capability to operate a vehicle. This test should include a test that is more rigorous than that given to new drivers, a motor skills test, sight test, and a reaction test. Because a driver who can’t pass those tests, is as bad, or in this writer’s opinion, worse than a drunk driver.

We lost one of our dear friends this week, and it really could happen to any of us. There is nothing that guarantees life, but there are steps that can be taken to help protect it. The state has done a lot to help eliminate drunk drivers, and I think it is their duty to do the same for the elderly.

In memory of Aaron Risley - 3-23-05
You will be missed - rest in peace, my friend...

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I’m tired of writing crap that I actually have to think about. Actually, I am just having a hard time being able to sit down and focus on anything for more than five seconds at a time, so I’m gonna make this short, but I’ll try to come up with something, cause it’s all about new content here on Fredrickville…uhhh….yeah….meh, I figure somebody’s gotta do it…

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Do you often find yourself bored? Do you spend countless hours on the internet going to the same five pages, looking at the same old stuff? Do you go to discussion boards every 10 minutes only to find no one is posting? Well it happens to us all. In this time of boredom, you may become sad, or even depressed! Yes folks, the terrible depression may come over you and you may feel like jumping in the bath with a toaster.

BUT NOT ANYMORE!

After pain staking research, and hours of field tests, we have compiled a list of ways to keep your lame ass from staring into the toilet waiting for Santa Claus to come!

Choose from this list created by our certified experts:

- Scream really freakin' loud
- Count the oxygen bubbles in your fish tank
- Run for governor
- Do an all out impression of an epileptic seizure
- Paint a stranger's house purple
- Fold sox
- Throw things at your siblings (siblings not included)
- Look up sexual words or phrases in the dictionary
- Go to Texas to attend the 2nd Annual JFK Memorial Hotdog Eating Contest on the Grassy Knoll
- Climb on the highest point in your house jump off and say "I can fly"
- Go outside and count trees
- Go out to the road, take black paint and make passing zones on corners
- Watch the god channel
- Travel to Canada for breakfast at IHOP
- Read a kid's book backwards
- Experiment with cooking pizzas that need to go in an oven in a microwave
- See how far you can climb up a tree before falling
- Go to the local school campus and see how many people you can freak out by dancing when there is no music playing
- Make a website devoted to me!
- Something about robots
- Spray paint a trench coat green, wear a white hat backwards, and pretend to be Silent Bob. Only talk in mimes
- Draw a picture of fruit and send it to your whole buddy list
- Attend a Motley Crue concert wearing a t-shirt that says "Vince Neil is a fag!"
- Clip your toenails
- Get crabs then shave half of your testicles and light the half that still has hair on fire then try to pick off the fleeing crabs with a dart gun as they run from the inferno

Plus much, much more!

For a complete list, just call the number below, and we'll have it shipped to you for five dollars or a box of crackers!

603-286-2204

If you REALLY want to get a laugh? Just prank that number...trust me...good times for all.

If you record a prank call and send it in...you'll win a free FV t-shirt!!

Send entries to webmaster@fredrickville.com

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For any of you that don't know, I work at the Tilt'n Diner in Tilton. Yeah, it sucks. Well, the company has been expanding, so we got a new district manager to help manage things. Well, one of the big wigs decided that they wanted to jazz up the look of our breakfast buffet. So they got some fake fruit to display. They got six bunches of fake grapes. Now, these were no ordinary fake grapes, I mean they had like, fake dew on it. They looked damn real. They were pretty nice, PRIT-TAY nice. But hold the phone...no seriously, hold the phone, I'm writing a column right now, I can't take any calls. Anyways, we have REAL fruit. Won't people get confused and try and eat the fake fruit?

INDEED! Customers were getting all confused and trying to take the grapes. I had to keep explaining that they were for display. Now this bothers me. Why are my bosses' bosses not smart enough to realize this whole fake fruit next to real fruit thing is a BAD idea? Are they trying to make the customers happy, or just trying to make them choke on plastic food and royally piss them off?

Guppies rhymes with yuppie...

Yuppies piss me off to no end. This weekend I had some people come in to the Diner, get the buffet and order omelets from me, it was a family, with a really macho masculine father, and his pretty, but bitchy wife, and two obnoxious, spoiled kids. First, the husband comes up and orders, all the while making sure I don't glance at his wife. Then his wife orders, like I OWE her the food, it is more of a demand than a request. And she can't just tell me what she wants; she has to be really particular.

Example:

Woman: "Can I get some egg, ham, just a sprinkling of cheese, some peppers...and don't brown the omelet, I don't like it with any brown. Oh, and can you put less oil in the pan?"

Me: "Want me to wipe your ass too?"

Why do people insist on telling me they want EGG in the OMELET? I am pretty sure it is the key element of the food. IDIOTS. Well, you know those rich bastards tipped poorly, then got into their huge Cadillac Escalade, and went back to their home in the suburbs somewhere in Massachusetts to watch their new Plasma TV. Forget that. I'll smack them in the face with a hot skillet.

Now, for something completely random, a special little ditty from me to you. It's a song by Goldfinger about Wayne Gretzky. I hope you enjoy. Till next week, I'm SpIkE, and you're a robot. Go do robot things.

Wayne Gretzky
The only man I'd have sex with.
Wayne Gretzky
I'd be intimate with
Wayne Gretzky
I think he's kinda sexy
Wayne Gretzky
I wonder what he looks like naked

Oh, I wonder what it would be like
to have sex with the great one
Oh, I wonder what it would be like
to have sex with the league's leading scorer

Wayne Gretzky
I know he's a married man
But maybe, he'd be attracted to me
Darrin Pfeiffer
Stupid American boy
Wayne Gretzky
Very handsome Canadian man

Oh, I wonder what it would be like
to have sex with the great one
Oh, I wonder what it would be like
to have sex with the league's leading scorer

(Talking)
Yeah, I wonder what it would be like
Ahh...it would never happen, its a pipe dream.
Wait a minute, I'm not even gay, I'm married, whatever

(singing again)
Wayne Gretzky...I love you Wayne Gretzky, yeah...

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I kinda regret writing a couple weeks ago that winter has been weak this year, cause it definitely kicked my ass on Thursday. We got a good 10 inches of thick, packed snow and everyone had the day off from school. I slept pretty much the entire day, and after a few hours of being bored out of my tree at home, I decided I was going to go down to the video store and get the two Predator movies. I had never actually seen them all the way through.

Anyways, I headed out of my house onto Route 127, which just happens to be one of the windiest, up-and down roads in the state, it also happened to be poorly plowed. I made it onto Route 3, which was very well plowed and went to the video store and got the movies. I started heading back home, and I think I started to get a little cocky about the road conditions.

I got back onto Route 127 and about a mile onto it coming from Franklin, I headed down an S-curve hill. The tail of my car started to kick out. For some idiot reason I got on the brakes, making it worse. At that time, as the car started heading towards the shoulder of the road, I knew I had to get off the brakes, but for some reason, I couldn’t convince my foot to come off. So, the car ended up plowing into a snow bank then into a ditch. I say ditch, you probably just think I mean the side of the road. No, I mean a freakin’ DITCH. The thing had to be two feet deep.

Here is a simple math equation for you to solve. Don’t keep reading until you have solved it, otherwise you will be lost:

Car + Ditch = ?

Yeah, so I couldn’t get out of the ditch, hell, I couldn’t even open my driver’s side door at first, I had to slam against the door a few times with my shoulder to push the snow out of the path of the door. Once I got out I went to go look at the damage to my car, and I sunk into the ditch up to my knees in icy-cold water.

Not funny.

Some people from a nearby house came out and were trying to help me, but apparently no one with SUV’s thinks having a tow rope is a good idea. They let me use their phone and let me warm up a bit in their house. I called my brother to come and use his plow truck to pull me out and I called the police to alert them of the situation.

Three cops got there about 15 minutes later and were complete dicks to me. Like it was a conscious decision that I made to go into the ditch. Oh, but they got theirs when one of the cops went to go around the front of the car to see the damage and he sunk into the water like I had. He was like “F*ck, f*ck this…oh shit!”

Funny.

Anyways then my brother got there and they held up the one or two cars coming down the road as he hooked up to my car and with one swift pull, dragged my car out of the ditch. I later found out my brother was a bit nervous, cause at the time he was high on the ganja. What an idiot.

Well, to make a long, boring story short, I went home and spent some time putting humpty dumpty back together. Luckily, I am darn good body worker, and I was able to put her back together without a hitch. Not even a scratch on her!

Then I finally was able to sit down and watch my movies. I was watching them until about 3 in the morning, and it soooooooooo wasn’t worth it. Those were some of the worst movies I have ever seen in my life. What a crappy night…

…but I still want to be a Predator.

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I want awesome robot arms. Ones with sweet big claws, and I would have super strength with them, so I could pick up busses, or fat kids without breaking a sweat. I could also dip my arms in REALLY hot water and not even care. It would rock something awesome. I would be really hard to beat in a fighting match, too. My opponent would run up and punch me in the chest, then, “CLANK!” Out of nowhere, they get a huge metal claw to the face. The would just fall to the ground and be like, “No more, Mr. Robot arms, my face can’t take it anymore.” But of course, even though I have super strength, I would still be super compassionate and help him up and let him go. I might even consider driving him to the hospital.

This is getting me thinking. You know what else would be cool? Being like a sci-fi creature. I would definitely be a Predator. They have that awesome thermo-vision, so they can see you no matter where you are hiding. Plus, they have cloaking, so you never see them coming. And they ALWAYS have the coolest weapons, like sweet guns, or huge dagger-like claws, or awesome throwing stars. Even Aliens from the Alien movies were awesome. I mean they only had acidy spit and acidy blood, and a sweet thing that pops out of their mouth, but even that is pretty cool.

Just got me thinking, sci-fi movies in the 90’s had NOTHING on those from the 80’s. Like those aliens from Independence Day were seriously not scary at all. All they had were space ships that shot green lasers. LAME.

I’m seriously all about that predator thing, though. You think I’m kidding. I’m not. I would trade everything to have even just one of the qualities of a predator. I just don’t want to be ugly like they are. I mean they are REALLY UGLY. The cool masks they wear are pretty tight looking, but when they take them off….UGLY. They couldn’t get a date if they tried.

This is stupid. Why are you still reading?

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I have been obsessed lately with sleeping. I sleep far too much. It has been that way for months. Last semester at school, my sleeping caused huge problems. I got kicked out of a class, and got a D in a class I should have gotten a B in. But I managed through the semester and slept a ridiculous amount over my month-long winter break. Think of all the things I could have done over the break. I could have stolen a nun’s bus, or eaten 100 pounds of candy, or danced the night away! GOD! What is wrong with me?

But I suppose that the unconscious world is far better than the real world. It’s always warm and happy, and when you are dreaming you can do some crazy shit. Like, where else are you gonna be able to fight a GIANT bunny? And dreams let you time travel. TIME TRAVEL, MAN! That is freaking awesome! You can also visit dead people, or meet famous people. How cool is that? Cooler than you I bet.

Anyways, yeah, I’ve been sleeping way too much and if I don’t wake up in time tomorrow, I’m pretty much screwed and I am gonna get kicked out of my class. So, wish me luck. Better yet call me at 6:30 and yell at me. That might work. Someone should do it.

MOVING ON!

Blue Collar Comedy…seriously guys, not that funny. Everyone has been making such a big deal about the redneck comedic styles of Jeff Foxworthy or Larry the Cable Guy. I mean Foxworthy has been telling the same type of jokes for years. The whole deal with coming up with words that sound like redneck phrases…not that funny. What really makes me mad though, is when I hear people reciting lines from those guys. Cause they try to use the hick accent, and it just is plain annoying. Like…I would consider punching them, and I swear if I hear anyone else say "GIT-R-DONE,"..I will fight them.

Whatever happened to REAL comedians like…George Carlin? Better yet, DANE COOK! Now that is worth reciting.

EXAMPLE:

Dane Cook: “I had one job that was kinda…cop like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day…Hey, hey, excuse me sir, get your putter out of the whale’s ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground, even though it looks like a playground.”

- Funny



Larry The Cable Guy: “Git-r-done”

- Not funny





Yeah. I’m…gonna…go…now. BYE!

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Recently my religious views have come to criticism. So lets identify exactly what I believe and I guess I will leave myself to be judged by my peers…you. I think I am going to get yelled at for this one, and all I can say…you can’t argue religion because it is nothing more than personal belief and hardly any of it is based 100% off fact. That said…

I believe there is a superior being (God) and he/she/it created everything we know, or at least the building blocks for what has become of this world. Sometimes, I am not even sure if I believe that. But like most super-religious folks, I like to believe we have some purpose. That really doesn’t matter though. I tend to believe more in the ways of deism. I really don’t think God is directly involved with anything here on Earth. But I still pray occasionally, so I guess I haven’t figured that stuff out entirely.

I really think evolution is a better choice than divine creation. We have records of evolution on every being including what eventually is human, and to deny it is simply asinine. Use logic and evidence to prove creationism….I dare you.

Do I believe the teachings of the bible? Kinda, I think that the bible is more of a guide, and less a literal document. Like any documentation from that time period, it is a lot of story telling people used to explain a lot of the unexplainable. If things were so meaningful and influential at one point, why don’t we see things like that today? I don’t think you can find the answers to a good life in a book. I believe that all people have a sense of what is right and what is wrong. Personally, I live my life in such a way that I try and do the right thing to my best extent, but do I call myself a Christian or really anything? No. I don’t believe you need history, nor a cause to do right.

As far as Jesus goes, yeah, I think he existed and he was a damn cool guy. Heck, he has been written about more than anyone in history. That is impressive. He must have done SOMETHING right. But I don’t believe he is our savior or that he will have a second coming. It doesn’t make sense. It defies all science and everything we know. Show me proof of anyone coming back from the dead…or through time…and I will give you a cookie.

I don’t think doing right for the sake or impressing a God, or because you are told to is any more noble or commendable that just doing good deeds because in your heart you know it is right. In fact it would seem to do right for no reason is better than to do it FOR a reason. And in doing so, I am not "covering my ass, just in case," cause it is my choice to do good, not just because I think I am being watched.

Point is….is that religion is and never will be concrete. It is purely speculation. If I offended you at all and you throw a hissy at this, you need to stop, because it is clear I don’t know exactly all of my beliefs yet and I don’t know everything there is, and honestly, neither do you.

I’m not Jewish, damn it.

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I have been getting SO MANY ideas for new columns lately, but they have all been little bits of things that I can’t turn into a full idea, so I’m going just put a bunch of little ideas into one column. Can you deal with that? CAN YOU? Well, buckle up kids, cause we are taking the back roads to grandma’s house! UH, UH! Yeah…

Winter has been really lackluster up until now. Some might say it was a little late. Now see, that doesn’t fly with me, I did enjoy the warmer days and less snow than normal at this point in the year, but winter can’t get away with that. When you are late for school you get marked down tardy in the rank book. Sometimes you get a detention or something. But NO! Not winter, winter gets to come in late and nobody said anything to it. So I encourage you, when it snows next, go out side and yell, “YOU’RE LATE!! Don’t you come back in here until you get a pass.” Ok? Then proceed to strip and run around yelling, “I’m a fluffy snake, I’m a fluffy snake.” Yeah, your neighbors will like that. take pictures

Has anyone noticed that Linkin Park are complete rip off’s? Don’t get me wrong, I love the band, their music is great, but they are bastards. They had their first CD, and then they had that Reamination album, which was all the same tracks, just re-mixed. Then they came out with their second CD, and are now doing the Collision Course CD with Jay-Z. Basically just all of Jay-Z’s stuff mixed with Linkin Park’s stuff. Didn’t require any hard work. They are playing us for fools, folks. And we are buying.

Sony makes CD’s…

The Sony Corporation has been doing this for years as well. The original PlayStation was released December 3, 1994 and was a HUGE success for years until they launched the PS2. To continue pushing the original unit, they revised it and came out with the PSone. Then they introduced another version that had a built in monitor, so it could be an all-in-one gaming system. So, as the PS2 continued to be a huge success, they decided right before the launch of the third PlayStation to create a slimed down version of the PS2, making sensational gamers go out and trade in their fat-ass module for the more capable, more anorexic system for something like an additional $130. They just keep making money off the same stuff. As far as marketing goes, it is genius. One again, we are the fools, cause we are buying.

PlayStation2 plays DVD’s…

I was watching a DVD tonight with my brother. It was that Hunt for Anacondas that came out last year. Let it be said, I am getting tired of unrealistic movies that include a group of people versus killer animals. They just don’t make sense. When a huge Anaconda is about to devour you whole, you don’t have time to yell, “Take this, bitch!” before you throw a gasoline container at it! What you would do is fleetingly huck that can at it while yelling, “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” That is usually followed up by peeing of the pants and a fart. These movies are so unrealistic. My advice to Hollywood writers; Get real.

Males use the penis for urination…

I just wanted to point out that there is this new Enzyte commercial, you know; with Bob. Yeah, there is this one with a football tailgate party, and the other team is definitely called the “IMPS” or the “LIMPS,” depending on which version of the ad you see. I think that is funny. Really funny. So funny it makes me sick. Those ads come in pairs. So do balls. Just wanted to make that connection.

Ok, be good everyone. Don’t get run over.

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So I attended Hauck's crazy New Year's Party, and let's let it be said that I don't drink for a reason, and it was re-affirmed that night. I started to drink and by my third drink, I realized it wasn't worth it, everyone else was already super-smashed and I had already missed any fun that there might be.

So I grabbed a Pepsi and started to drop the buzz. I wandered out to my car to get some fresh air, put on some seriously depressing music, and surround myself with my problems. I realized I am failing miserably at everything I am attempting in my life, and though I usually save my ass at the last minute, I am doing everything half-assed.

But enough about my problems cause seriously, it is all nothing more than self-pity.

So I turned my anger/pity/despair into something productive, and I stayed up all night and cleaned the very trashed house. I picked up as much of the crap I could find, washed some of the floor, and I did a ridiculous amount of dishes...BY HAND. If I had more time I would have vacuumed. I'm not asking for thanks really, I think a refund of my cover will do just fine. :-) Just a though.

Anyways, so then I went to work a worked for 8 hours. Needless to say, when I got home I passed out. For 24 hours.

So that brings me to the next thing that pissed me off. This morning I felt like crap so I called in and I told them I was puking all morning and I couldn't go in. My manager's reply, "Well, we really need you, can you come in for a few hours and just tough it out?" WHAT? My reply went as follows, "No...(meaningful pause) I've been puking all morning..."

I believe when you run a restaurant they have certain HEALTH regulations they have to follow. No one told my managers this. They are such cheap asses and have labor cut down so much so they can get a fat bonus for themselves, they will try and get you to work when you are sick. And if you are out, they don't call anyone in, they just go without you, putting strain on everyone else. Cool, huh?

Well, anyways, my New Year's related problems seem to have passed for now, I hope the remainder of the year makes more sense then the first two days.

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I can’t wait until I graduate college and have a real job. I am so worn out from school and work seven days a week. Everyday I have somewhere to be and something to do. I never have a day where I can just chill out, kick off my moccasins, and do whatever I want. If I want to steal a nun’s bus and go on a series of crazy and unpredictable adventures, I can’t, cause then I would have to miss a day or two of something. No fun, no fun at all, Pac-man.

I was just thinking tonight how it would be nice to have a night to relax on the couch with someone special and just dim the lights and enjoy a good movie and not have to worry about going to bed immediately after. As I write this, I should be in bed, cause I have to be at work in 5 hours, so I can be there by 6 a.m. I just feel like I am a robot in a robotic world. Except, they didn’t give me a cool laser. I am one of those robots that has to build chairs and crap.

I want to have nights where I can stay up until 4 a.m. without regret and go out doing crazy stuff getting all hopped up on pixie sticks and gummi worms. Instead, I have to keep an eye on the clock and be responsible about getting to bed at a decent hour. When I get a real job I will have my 9 - 5, Monday through Friday, and the nights and weekends will be mine. The thought of that is quite charming and makes me feel all tingly in my bottom.

Once I get this great, steady job, and I start raking in some cash, I think I am going to acquire a hoard of primates to do my biddings. I will dress them up in cool jumper suits and they will be my gang….NAY! MY ARMY! My army of vicious primates!

You wouldn’t mess with me! If a big dude started some crap with me and made me mad, I would command my monkeys to attack. This is how it would work:

1- First, some spider-moneys would swing in from the branches and claw his eyes.

2 - While this dude is stumbling around trying to figure out what is going on, these chimpanzees would run over and hit him in the face with fire pokers.

3 - Then these big ass gorillas would tackle him to the ground.

4 - To top it off, a baboon would come over and rub his ass on this dude’s face.

That would be the ultimate worst. You wouldn’t mess with that!

Me and my monkeys would mess some people up. So make sure you are extra nice to me so I don’t have to take you down. Buy me Christmas presents.

Lots of them.

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I just completed work on a 1/96th scale Revell model of the U.S.S. Constitution that stands two and half feet tall. It was a model that was started almost 25 years ago by my late father and is now a treasured possession of my family. The ship was started a few years before I was born and was carefully put together by my dad, who loved sailing, and was fascinated by "Old Ironsides." Work stopped on it about 15 years ago because his eyesight started giving him a hard time, and it stayed in our basement collecting dust. Over the years, pieces began to become un-glued and the glorious model started falling apart.

A few years ago I found the box of parts needed to finish the project, and I was going to work on it with my dad, but obviously that never could happen. Last week, I took on the project to finish the sail-less, unfinished boat. I restored and repaired it, and began to finish the work needed. I finished it this evening, and I couldn't be happier. I just wanted to share this accomplishment with you all.

It gives me great pride to have finished my father's work, and being a model builder myself, it is such a great accomplishment to have finished a model of this caliber nearly 25 years after its start. I have spent a lot of my model building days constructing cars and war planes, so this was a challenege, but that was what made it interesting. It was something I had never done before. I think of this boat as a great tribute to my father, I think he would be proud.

I spent many nights working on it, and drank a crap load of Mountain Dew. I tell you, working on this model really gives me a new appreciation for the U.S.S. Constitution and all that went into running a warship from this era in history. I had to tie and rig almost every bit of rope and rigging for the sails and stuff like the lifeboats. My eyes and my fingers are worn, but I think it was worth it. I hope you all find this as interesting as I do, and I hope you all can appreciate the work that has gone into it.

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I was at Sears last night picking out some new appliances for my new house with my mom, and I realized something. I never want to get old. As we were looking at stoves and crap, an old couple came wandering over and they were discussing what they needed in a stove. The older man was all over the place looking at all the stoves and pointing out how he didn’t like the new electric glass top stoves. Why is technology denied by older people? Especially something like that! Both products heat up and are able to cook. One is just easier to clean because there is no exposed element. I just don’t understand it. Anyways, he was talking to his wife about the stoves, and she was so complaisant, and almost not there. There was this neutral zone around her head. I never want to have my relationship with my wife to become like that. I don’t really want her to just go along with things like that. That is one type of old person, those kind who aren’t all there and just kind of float around.

Then there is the other kind of old person. The kind who feels that because they are old, they don’t have to take anyone’s crap anymore. There was this heavy-set older gentleman who was trying to pick out a surround sound system. That alone was odd, cause what do old people do when they settle in front of a TV for too long? They fall asleep. Come on old man, save the money and just buy a new recliner. Well, he told the Sears guy the only reason he was even shopping there was because he was getting a deal through his GOLF CLUB. Oh no. One of these guys. The golfer type who think they are above everyone cause they have a bunch of metal STICKS in a BAG….and some BALLS.

The other type I run into more often than I would like to is the senile old driver. I can’t count how many times I have seen an old person doing something stupid behind the wheel. Granted, it is pretty much true of every age group. People just can’t drive I guess. But old people, they do stupid things, but they are really slow about it. They will hold up traffic trying to get into a parking spot.

Have you ever noticed they always drive a white Lincoln Town Car?

I never want to get old. What is there to look forward to? Tennis on Sunday after church? Grand kids that break crap when they come over? Parkinson’s, cataracts, Alzheimer's, hearing loss, arthritis, high cholesterol, glaucoma, prostate cancer, high blood pressure, hip injury? Punk kids making fun of you…oops. These are not my ideas for the golden years.

Please, please, don’t let me age past 50.

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I have had very little to write about lately, so I am having a hard time putting together anything really interesting. So I guess I am just going to comment on a bunch of little things that have been going on recently.

Rock candy: Rock candy rocks. Maybe that’s why they call it ROCK candy…cause it rocks…you know. Well, surely we have all had this sugar based delight, and if you haven’t…I don’t think I like you very much. Anyways, have you ever noticed that the string they use to form it on hardly ever gets swallowed? I noticed this phenomenon this past weekend. Every time I ate a piece, even the smallest portion of string would stow itself away in a part of my mouth only to be found later, (like dog poop behind the couch) or it gets stuck to my teeth. HOW DO THEY DO IT???

Waste of money: This friend of mine at college was using his cell phone during class to use the internet and browse for ring tones. Ring tones suck. I hate those things. Well, he was using the net on it for a good hour, and I asked him how much his U.S. Cellular bill was last month. He paid $180 for service, text and internet. I about crapped my panties when he told me. I don’t understand these compulsive text messengers and phone internet users. This kid will text someone sitting next to him just for fun. Now that is pathetic.

Black clothes at night: Why would ANYONE wear black clothes while they walk down route 3 at midnight? I was coming home last night and this idiot kid is walking along the road thinking he is all cool, wearing his goth clothes. But he wasn’t cool. Not cool at all. With his baggy black pants with a big chain on it, black coat, and huge stupid earings. AND HIS HAIR! It’s like, has this guy ever heard of styling gel?

And what is up with black cats? Every night when I am coming home there is this black cat that sits at the bottom of my hill and scares the bologna out of me by running out in front of my car. One of these days I am going to hit it. Then I am going to feel TERRIBLE…or terribly good.

Wal-Mart strikes again: The other night Fred, stumper, and myself went to the Concord Wal-Mart to get a game. We ended up getting Halo, which has a mature rating on it. So when we went to the self-checkout it brought up an age restriction message. Of course, Steph hit Spanish for the language, so it was a little confusing for a minute. The checkout attendant came over and said she needed to see our I.D.s to sell us the game. I had my I.D. and so did Robbie, but Steph didn’t, so they refused to sell us the game. Why has Wal-Mart taken it upon themselves to censor the public? Banning CD’s from their CD selection, (which is all edited anyways) and making up rules about everyone in a party having I.D? Those Nazis need to stop trying to fix all of America’s problems and start taking my damn money.

Strange calls: The other night I got this strange call on my cell phone. It was a restricted number, so it didn’t say whom it was from. So I didn’t pick it up. It ended up being some girl and she left message that said;

“Andy, this is Michelle, we met three days ago at the gas station. You gave me your number, but never called me. I’m mad at you.”

Now, I hadn’t been to the gas station for about a week, so I was a little puzzled. I hate when I get calls that are clearly a prank, but can’t figure out who it is or how they got my number. It seemed as if it was someone who knew me though. I don’t know, not really interesting, but maybe YOU know who it was…in which case, you better tell me.

Eh, I hope you enjoyed my rambling; hopefully next week I will have something cool to write about. Until then, keep fighting the good fight.

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The customer is ALWAYS right. Right? We have all heard this term coined a bazillion times before. So, you would think that big business would have heard of it, too. But I am pretty sure the idea of customer service is a dying concept. More and more lately, I personally have been crapped on by large corporate businesses. Today, McDonald's and Wal-Mart find their asses in my crosshairs.

Occurrence #1: McDonald's - Tilton, NH – October 29, 2004 - approx. 7:10 pm

It was FastFoodFriday, and the Fredrickville crew consisting of about 13 people piled into McDonald's for some crappy fast food. We were all pretty amped up and after about five minutes of some fooling around and making idiots of ourselves, we went up to the register to place our orders. During this time, Fred and myself started some commotion, we shamelessly were trying to promote the good word of Fredrickville to the masses. But our voices...I mean...I started to get kinda loud.

Then it happened!

The young fat girl working one of the registers exclaimed loudly that “we needed to be quiet so she could take orders.” Now the whole restaurant had stopped what they were doing and were looking at us like a Texas-born Bush supporter looks at a bar of soap. Is this how these people deal with obnoxious customers? I also work in a restaurant, and we NEVER would yell at a customer. You just don’t do that. During the course of the ordering process 50% of the members of the group were yelled at by the b*tches working the counter. Only difference, they didn’t do anything. I wanted to kill.

Occurrence #2: Wal-Mart – Tilton, NH – November 4, 2004 – approx. 4:00 pm

I waltzed into my “friendly” Tilton Wal-Mart, and an old person didn’t greet me. I really wanted a damn sticker.

THE END.

Just kidding, I got a sticker.

I went in to get a can of dust remover for my PC. I took it up to the self-checkout, and scanned it in. The computer then alerted me that it was an “age restricted item.” I wasn’t even thinking about the risk of inhalation. The attendant came over, yet again another young fatty, and asked for my ID. I then showed it to her and said, “Why does this product have an age restriction?” She didn’t answer. So after an awkward pause, I jokingly said, “Watch out, we’re all gonna die from pressurized air!” She then rudely explained it, and cleared me to checkout. I then slid my 5 dollar bill into the cash slot.

Then it happened!
My bill wouldn’t go in, it had been ripped and wasn’t being scanned properly. I tried about ten times to get it to work, and it was hopeless. So I turned to the grazing cow….I mean GIRL and told her the bill was damaged and wasn’t working. She curtly replied, “I’m sorry, I can’t help you.” A little puzzled, I tried again to get the bill to work. Deciding it was never going to work, I turned to her again and said, “No, I really don’t think it is going to work.” Again, she replied “I can’t help you.” Well, excuse me, how dare I ask for HELP from a minimum-wage monkey wearing a blue vest that says “HOW MAY I HELP YOU?” So, for the third time I give old Abe another few tries. Once again confirming it was never going to scan in. So I turn to the girl again and ask to go to another register, and she said “ I CAN’T HELP YOU!” Then she walked to her stool overlooking self-checkout land and put on her crown of dead babies.

A nice man who had seen what happened aided me, and he traded fives with me. He agreed that these people are never helpful.

Why is it that big corporation workers think they can get away with this crap? McDonald's have set their service standards way below that of any other REAL restaurants just because they are the Mecca of fast food service. And now that Wal-Mart has control of America, they think they can just take over Europe. What’s up with that?

These businesses think their “Shit don’t stink” in the words of Outkast. But you know what? Their roses really smell like poo-poo-oo-ooo.

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Death is something that is unavoidable for all of us. Sometimes, it is a cause for concern because of one's own health, or maybe a loved ones, but in one way or another we have all experienced some sort of acquaintance with death. Recently, a beloved long-time customer of the restaurant I work at died from heart failure. This weekend at work, a lot of people were mourning the loss of this great man. But something struck me as odd while I was hearing some of the conversations.

I kept hearing the word '"tragedy." It got me pondering on the subject. Tragedy is a strong word to be using in this situation. I really don't feel that a death from natural causes is a "tragedy" I hope I'm not being callous. I'm sure a lot of people reading this have lost someone close to them from a natural cause and are now getting a little upset, but I really would reserve the phrase "tragic" for things like plane crashes, suicides, or things of the like.

Here is an example, this girl I once knew, her grandmother died of cancer about a month after my dad committed suicide, and she made it seem like her loss was greater than mine. In my head, it didn't seem that way, cause her grandmother died of NATURAL causes. She treated it like a real tragic situation. Somber and heartbreaking, I can understand, but tragic? I don't think so. My grandfather died of cancer as well, and I don't think there was anything tragic about his death. Yeah, it sucked and I was sad, but I don't think there should be a monument built.

All right, well I don't want the whole subject of this to be about death and sadness, so I'm gonna move onto something with a little more Christmas cheer. Minus the Christmas part. So I guess that would make it regular cheer. Eh, good enough.

I was talking to some guys I know, and they were talking about their views on love. They are older guys, had some experience with love and all. Personally I think they are too ugly to really have an opinion, but what they said was interesting.

One of them made a comparison by asking me what my favorite food was. I replied pizza, of course. He asked if I would want pizza for breakfast and lunch and dinner. Knowing where he was going with this horribly unimaginative point, I said no. I'm too tired to finish this paragraph, so you finish it in your head. Ok? Thanks.

This other dude, all the sudden went off on his theory about love. He said love is not real, it is a FABRICATED word (I was impressed he used the word fabricated, because I saw him the day before going into a gas station super drunk and appearing to have pissed his pants, didn't think he was capable) He said that there are different degrees of tolerance "Before animal instinct takes over and you kill them." Yeah, see the quotes? That was a quote. Still not sure how this guy had the word "fabricated" get lost in his vocabulary. Poor word.

Well that's the end of this installment of Poop on a stick. Tune in next time, cause I'm sure to offend someone or make fun of a minority. When South Park does it, it's funny, when I do it, I get murdered. Yeah, eye balls on the floor and dead. Blood, blood, blood. Mmmmmm, Campbell's soup.

¡¡Reminder!! - Everyone remember to go to FASTFOODFRIDAY2004 it is this Friday at the Tilton McDonalds at 7:00. Be there or be...uhhh...healthy and in shape.

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After the last few strongly politically and socially based topics I have written about lately, I thought I should bring back some good old fashion Freddyville gibberish. I actually wrote this piece as an essay in one of my classes to see what the teacher would do. We were supposed to be comparing some historical events or something; instead I just put down this crap. I managed to pull off a C+ for the essay. Not really sure how that happened. Well, here it is!

Peanuts versus Cheese

Peanuts versus cheese; The epic controversy that has raged for decades in Southern Saudi Arabia still causes riots and fighting today. Hashmier says he likes cheese, but he is also a big fan of the vitamins and minerals he gets from peanuts. Here, I will try to explain the pros and cons of each of these great foods.

The favorite of many people far and wide, cheese makes your bones straight. It also “makes you see good.” But in order to get these benefits, you have to eat something like fourteen hundred gallons per day. That is a lot of cheese. Probably more than anyone really wants to consume. In fact, I’m assuming that amount of cheese would make one’s legs swivel about. But with great benefits comes great sacrifice.

Peanuts have been the long time underdog in this argument, but have been making a big come back among the people. One might even call it a revolution. They make you strong, but you run a high risk of the elephant stealing them while you are on the “poop-pot.” The benefits of peanuts seem to out weight those of cheese. Peanuts make you strong enough to do 200 push-ups, they are a good snack, and you can get the girls with the really good butts. Some would consider that more valuable than any good eyesight or straight bones.

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The band Anti-Flag, whether you think their music is good or not, have been a leading force in fighting political and social injustice through music. They are currently touring with Michael Moore in efforts to gain support for John Kerry for this upcoming election on November 2nd. I wanted to take some time to show the “lyrics” from a song titled “Anatomy of Your Enemy.” This song outlines steps of how to create an enemy and how to start a war. In 1925 Hitler published Mein Kampf, this book also outlined many of these same points. I am going to list these steps and illustrate their relevance to the war we are currently involved in.

First step: create the enemy. Sometimes this will be done for you.

The original missions of this war were justifiable, so the enemy was created for us.

Second step: Be sure the enemy that you have chosen is nothing like you. Find obvious differences like race, language, religion, dietary habits, fashion. Emphasize that their soldiers are not doing a job; they are heartless murderers who enjoy killing.

The government and media have used this undertone when portraying Middle Eastern people, emphasizing that they are different in a negative way and want to kill.

Third step: Once these differences are established continue to reinforce them with all disseminated information.

By providing this information and providing it often, it will always keep it in the minds of the people, causing a constant unease with the situation. Therefore cause them to have a course of action taken. War.

Fourth step: Have the media broadcast only the ruling party's information. This can be done through state run media. Remember, in times of conflict all for-profit media repeats the ruling party's information. Therefore all for-profit media becomes state-run.

There is always talk about un-biased reporting from television networks, but un-biased reporting should go beyond party lines, and show the WRONGS our soldiers are involved in an equal light, and not a side note during a broadcast.

Fifth step: Show this enemy in actions that seem strange, militant, or different. Always portray the enemy as non-human, evil, a killing machine.

The media shows enemy citizens dancing and throwing rocks at a burning American convoy vehicle they destroyed. Horrible scene, they look quite militant indeed. But think of some of our soldiers doing the same thing. It happens, we aren’t so different.

Sixth step: Eliminate opposition to the ruling party. Create an "Us versus Them" mentality. Leave no room for opinions in between. One that does not support all actions of the ruling party should be considered a traitor.

After 9/11 there was a lot of opposition to the idea of going to war in Iraq. There were a lot of people who stood up and said that was wrong. These people were labeled “un-patriotic” by many sensationalist Americans who were caught up in the shockwaves of 9/11. This administration failed on this step.

Seventh step: Use nationalistic and/or religious symbols and rhetoric to define all actions. This can be achieved by slogans such as "freedom loving people versus those who hate freedom." This can also be achieved by the use of flags.

Prime example (and one I have made before) those little ribbons on everyone’s cars; clearly propaganda. Same with all the American flags people put on their car after 9/11.

Eighth step: Align all actions with the dominant deity. It is very effective to use terms like, "It is God's will" or "God bless our nation."

We see this at every speech and debate. Both Bush AND Kerry use God as being a supporter of America. These statements bring up many religious questions just to begin with. What ever happen to separation of church and state? I suppose hypocrisy was also one of the founding fundamentals of this nation.

Ninth step: Design propaganda to show that your soldiers have feelings, hopes, families, and loved ones. Make it clear that your soldiers are doing a duty; they do not want or like to kill.

You see it anytime they try to get personal, they show the sacrifices our soldiers are making, and how they have dreams and loving families. But not all of them are noble and have good intentions, I’ll explain more after step 10.

Tenth step: Create and atmosphere of fear, and instability and then offer the ruling party as the only solutions to comfort the public's fears. Remembering the fear of the unknown is always the strongest fear.

Primarily the terror level status bar thingy they have been using has done this. By keeping the terror level up and hyping up any major event as having a threat of terror, it keeps the public in fear of disaster.

Now I don’t want to prove all the points Michael Moore already has, but this brings me to the step that I have been noticing a disturbing trend in: step number nine. Yeah, after all that, I am just getting to my point NOW. I’ll make it short.

Over this past week I have seen some examples of people in the armed services or people going into the service who do not fit the mold of the proud, flag waving, patriots that out government has portrayed them as. In my Comparative World Religions course in college, there is a classmate of mine who is fresh off the battlefields of Iraq. He was telling the class about how some of his brothers in arms were really in it for the killing. They had hate in their eyes and were just excited to have an M-16 at their disposal. Killing is not a big thing for some of these soldiers.

Also I was at my girlfriend’s field hockey game and I was listening to a conversation involving one of the seniors in the crowd. Someone asked him what his plans were after he graduated. His matter of fact response was, AND I QUOTE, “I’m gonna go into the army; shoot some people.” Not all our soldiers are the blue eyed, red white and blue loving heroes.

After the BACKLASH from my last column, I feel it is necessary after such topics to establish my views. I do not think terrorist groups and people in the Middle East who commit crimes of hate and anguish are right. However, I don’t think we portray our own soldiers in the same light as our enemy’s. Note that I also realize some of our soldiers are good and noble people. Propaganda and media influence has created this war and I think there are a lot of misconceptions of our opponents.

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*I WOULD ADVISE THAT NO ONE READS THIS COLUMN. IT IS "IGNORANT" AND "CONDECENDING."*

Have you even notice how people in bad situations in life, tend to clump together? Scummy people, those who do drugs, or those people who just have no life and hang around bars to pick up sleazy women, they all hang out! Then they all wonder why they are always having run-ins with the police, or always find themselves in those unfortunate situations in life that cause them to be considered lowlifes.

My brother is a prime example. He is not so bright, and is just scummy. He seems ok if you don’t know him too well, but he will pick up any women who will sleep with him and his friends are scummy as all hell. These are the kind of people that would steal from friends or who would rather rape a girl than go a few weeks without sex. It’s these kind of people we try to stay away from…those who most would generally consider creepy. They lack the basic social and intellectual skills that the common person has. The ability to know what actions are not socially acceptable or in some cases legal. But for the most part, they tend to group with people with similar dysfunctions. Why is this?

They fail to see that the environment, and the people they hang out with are going to play a pivotal role in their ability to make good decisions. If you put yourself with crappy people and spend all your days in smoke filled, trashed apartments or trailers, you will never expect any better of yourself or anyone else.

On the same note, people in poverty will clump together as well, just like the poop gathered by a dung beetle. Same principal applies, if you are poor and you only hang out with other poor people, how will you EVER be in a situation where you can pull yourself out of that kind of lifestyle? Environment truly DOES form who you are more so as an adult than as a child, I think. As a child you can decide that the situation you are in sucks and that you want to work to get out of it, but as an adult, it is a conscious choice to be in the ghetto and have low standards.

I just wonder some times about those kinds of people who are in bad situations in life and want better. How do they ever expect to get there while sitting on a smelly ripped couch in an apartment downtown with no more ambitions than to work washing dishes at a local restaurant? It just seems like those people don’t WANT to ever get out of their poor situations, they are just content being poor losers. But for some reason they think complaining will make it better. Well, if complaining will make a situation better, then I guess praying to fairies could make cancer go away, right? I admire anyone who is trying, but so many aren't and that is what upsets me.

I’m not meaning to be offensive or anything, but I see it time and time again, especially among many of my co-workers. All of the potheads, minority figures, and those who lack intelligence hang out. Some of them even live in the same apartment complex. And by apartment complex, I mean ramshackled house with numbers on the doors. I don’t think I will ever understand how some people accept this lifestyle and have no intent to better themselves. GENERALLY SPEAKING OF COURSE.

Another example, there was this girl I knew, dropped out of high school, then did nothing with her life and worked at a truck stop for several years. She had a cool boyfriend, but decided that she would have rather been with a bar-hoper who liked sleazy women. That right there was a conscious decision to CHOOSE poverty and to CHOOSE a life of low standards. When you enter a relationship with someone who has a hard time keeping his dick out of dirty sinks and would rather play pool at a bar than get a good paying job, you are choosing a life of misfortune.

When will people ever learn?

(edited 10/11/04 by SpIkE: Apparently I am ignorant, so I have to sugar coat my subject matter so as not to offend you all. Sorry for my lack of intelligence.)

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I started writing this column at Fred’s house, I got about 75% through it, I was pretty happy and I was just about to copy it and send it to my e-mail account. Then the unspeakable happened. I was threatened with a screwdriver, and in the epic struggle for my freedom and personal well being, I also reached to arm myself with a screwdriver. That was when it happened. I accidentally hit the escape key, and my defenseless column died. Right in my arms it died! But that isn’t going to stop me, I will resurrect it and once and for all it will be seen here on Fredrickville. I will not give up, it will not fade into the night, and once and for all it will declare its independence. Right…onto the treats.

About a month ago I decided my old Compaq was getting pretty out dated. It was riddled with problems and a virus or two, (too much pron I suppose.) So Fred and I went onto NewEgg.com and ordered and built me a new computer (well, it was more like he did all the work, and I watched and got screwdrivers and items of the like) well, long story short, I now have an ultra sexy pimptastic computer of hot steamy love…I like adjectives a lot. Now I have a computer that is at industry standard. Then it hit me: I could now devote my life to a cause I had given up: gaming.

I used to be a pretty hardcore gamer, but being the conscientious consumer I am, I realized that there was no way I was going to spend $300 every time a new gaming system came out. In fact, I stopped buying gaming systems at the original PlayStation, yeah old school PlayStation rocked, it’s undeniable. But a computer, on the other hand, can play the same games and will not need to be upgraded half as often as a gaming system would need to be. So that was where it began. My gaming revolution. Yes, I said it, revolution. The revolution against….well…not sure what against. Let’s just say a clan of monkeys flinging poo…you know, just as a working model.

I went to Wal-Mart and bought Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. I started playing, and it was like old times, capping whitey and taking names. As I got further into the game I had a hard time getting away from it. I just kept playing, and playing, and playing, and poopin’, and playing, and playing, and playing, and getting a sandwich, and playing, give me money, and playing. You get the point. I beat the game in less than two weeks. Now this was a full feature game. It should have taken me a lot longer than that. Nope, two weeks. It was then I realized I was addicted.

Is it normal to spend five hours in front of a computer playing a game? Is it normal to deprive myself of sleep and completely ignore the REAL world? Is it normal to consider blowing off social activities for a game? I say yes! Hell, who doesn’t want to exist in a world where when you screw up you get to try again, free of any embarrassment? Well, that is what I tell myself so I don’t feel like I have an unhealthy obsession. But indeed, I do.

I feel like a crack addict when I am telling my friends about these games. Like I am in a dark alley wearing a hoodie with shaky hands, saying, “Hey man, you gotta score some of this stuff. It will mess you all up, it’s real premium stuff.” As I sit hunched over my computer late at night I wonder, is there a difference?

So I finished the game, now there was this huge gap of free time in my day. Like a crack addict, I, too needed my next fix. So I went out and bought Need For Speed Underground. Looks like I am going to be hunched over my computer for a while longer. Is this unhealthy? Is crack unhealthy? I think you folks know the answer.

Oh yeah, little side note before I go play my game for the next few hours, I just picked up Green Day’s new CD, American Idiot, and holy pooper, I highly recommend this album, for anyone who likes music that doesn’t suck. It is some of the best stuff I have heard out of these guys yet. BUY IT!

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It was brought to my attention that I have yet to write anything about college. I am studying Graphic Design and Printing Technology at the New Hampshire Community Technical College in Laconia. It's been said before that Tech school is just like high school with ashtrays....oh, so true. Tech school is such a joke, the teaching styles are so ridiculous and the social structure of this place is upsetting to say the least. When I first attended classes last fall, I didn't know what to expect. Was it going to be hard? What were the other students going to be like?

The classes started off much like any other class I had taken, but as time went on, they started falling apart, and I realized that the teachers have no clue what they are doing.

The Instructors:

They really had to scrape the bottom of the bucket to get these people. One of my instructors, in particular, was a total bitch. She was going through a divorce, and would take it out on the students, pretty much the most unprofessional thing she could possibly do. So many times I just wanted to pick up one of the monitors and huck it at her head, with that damn scraggily hair, and beanie little eyes, and EERRERERERERER! Yeah, she sucks.

The two other instructors were a lot better, but still had their quirks. One of them had some sort of nervous tick that made his say "OKAY" a lot in between each thought. One time in class I counted how many times he said it in a given time frame, and it averaged out that he said "OKAY" once every 11.4 seconds. It was laughable, but quickly would get annoying. The other instructor was an excellent teacher and knew the material well, but it was pretty much only accessible to the geeks. You had to be a complete suck up to get him to help with anything. Damn where's my pocket protector.

The instructors for the normal academic classes aren't too bad, they all seems to have good attitudes, but truthfully, they have dumbed down the subjects so much that I can't tell if they know the subject.

Social Structure:

There are three groups at a Tech college, geeks, stoners/idiots, and those who don't care.

I have found myself in the "those who don't care" category. We basically just make fun of the geeks and the stoners. The geeks are a pain in the arse. They suck up like I have never seen before. Think of the biggest suck up you know in high school then triple that. These kids don't screw around; they know how to suck like no one else if you know what I mean...uhhh..eewww. The stoners and idiots never left high school, they talk about stupid crap they have done and when the next time they will get high will be. These people make Anarki look intelligent.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to high school, where this kind of behavior was expected, but this is college, you would think people would start developing social skills and stop being such dicks. The Tech really makes me miss my former teachers. Indeed, they were pretty much as numb as your leg when you forget it in the freezer (don't you HATE when that happens?) but they really shine in comparison to these "Professors."

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So yesterday I was writing this great big column for all you folks to read. It was not my best work, but I was proud of it nonetheless. So I was finishing it up and getting ready to head out for the night, I was a little rushed and while I was picking out the pictures for it, I X'ed out my browser. My column was lost, I had sent it off to the fabled place my college instructor refers to in the computer as...ZOOLOOLAND!

Makes me wonder what zoolooland is like. Must be kinda magical. Like a liger. You know, a cross between a tiger and a lion. It's pretty much my favorite animal. Zoolooland is where all the important documents go. You know, the ones you really need on a due date for a big project but suddenly can't find on your zip disk anymore. I heard a rumor that in Zoolooland there are unicorns and endless waterfalls of popcorn. Ok, now I am just reaching for straws here. See what happens when I lose a column? This could be bad.

...MOVING ON!

The last month or so, my mom has been on a hunt for a new house because the taxes in Northfield are insanely high. Since my dad passed we don't have that second person bringing in an income, so we are having a hard time paying for all the expenses of living here. Made me realize that I really had it good as a kid. I still have it pretty good, but my family went from somewhat upper middle class to lower middle class in a very short time. We weren't thinking of moving out of Northfield until well after I got out of college.

It just got me thinking, shouldn't there be something in place to protect families in situations like mine. It isn't like any of us planned for my dad to commit suicide, but now we are all forced to deal with unfavorable circumstances and it just seems like it shouldn't have to be that way. Should there be some sort tax breaks for families who experience extreme tragedy that results in an income problem. I don't know, maybe I am just being whiny, but it just seems like we have a government that doesn't really care for people.

It's an aggravating situation. When I get aggravated at stuff like this I like to play a violent video game with lots of weapons and killing sprees. There is nothing better than picking up a sniper rifle and shooting a bullet through an opponent's head...OR my personal favorite...his crotch. But that sounds like a good topic to discuss in a different article. So when you get down, pick up a gun...and kill him until he is dead.

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Money, money, money. Where does it all go? I think I have spent more money in the past two months than I think I had cumulatively in my whole life so far...It's like I am now a magician and I am really good at the disappearing money trick. I spent a good hunk of cash on my car, and paying off insurance, and then I ordered parts for a new computer. But right after that, my insurance was upped from my accident. I didn't think it was going to affect this year's payment, but...I was wrong. 800 times. So now I find myself in panic cause money is going out faster than I can make it. Eh, I guess it won't matter if...I mean WHEN Random Feedback gets signed.

While on the subject of money, I just though I should talk about a trend that has become increasingly overwhelming over the past few months. A blatant exploitation of patriotism. Those damn ribbon magnets you see on cars supporting out troops in combat. I swear, on 1 out of EVERY five cars on the road, there is one on the car somewhere. Think about how much money that those magnets have brought in. Whatever happened to a support ribbon being a FREAKING RIBBON? Instead they are selling these huge ribbon shaped things to "patriotic" Americans everywhere. Way to take advantage of a situation.

"Support Our Troops"
"Pray For Our Troops"
"Support My Soldier"
"Freedom Isn't Free"

You get the picture. Well, Fred and I were discussing this the other day on the way back from Concord. We think they need to have some more interesting sayings. Something like...

"Someone Stole Our Freedom...and I think it was Iraq."

That would be patriotic by definition of Bush supporters, wouldn't it? Where do people even get these things? I have only seen them in specialty stores. Maybe I am just not looking hard enough.

Last night I spent $11 on pure bliss. Quite possibly my favorite thing to buy; a large pepperoni pizza from Papa Gino's. These guys know how to make a good pizza. I don't think I have ever had a bad pizza there. Mmmmmm...tastes better than old gum.

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The other night I was on AIM and I noticed a trend as I went through and looked at some of my friend's away messages. They all had something involving alcohol. Some examples are as follows..."Drinking with the brosephs." "Drinking with my brother." and "I'm drunk right now." among others. All these kids are my age or younger, and drink almost every night. They are damn proud of it, too. Personally I think they are complete idiots. Drinking is fine occasionally and in moderation, but these kids are clearly alcoholics.

Now I am not going to give away any names here, but a couple of those people mentioned above got into some deep crap as a result of this vice, and were arrested three consecutive weeks in a row this summer. Now to me, this is unacceptable. When your bad habit gets you arrested, it is time to stop. But did they, no, they still go out drinking almost ever night and do stupid shit under the influence. But that isn't the point of this column. I'm not here to preach and convince everyone alcoholism is bad, cause anyone with a cluster of brain cells can figure that out. The thing I am pissed off about is that these kids get away with it in the end.



Bob the Builder: "But SpIkE, they got arrested didn't they, how did they get away with it?"

From what these kids have told me, when they had to go to court, in each and every one of the cases, they were offered a deal to clean up their record, a way to make the charges disappear. Yeah, they got them off the hook. What is wrong with out justice system? Underage drinking is freaking illegal for a reason; people under age can't handle drinking as well as they might if they were older. So with a little community service, good behavior for like 6 months or some crap, these idiots now have a squeaky clean record just like me. Wait, that doesn't seem right...

So, let's look at this for a second. If I (with my perfect criminal record) go to apply to a job or something and so does a kid who has been arrested three times for alcohol abuse, he could potentially get the job and not me. That doesn't make any sense. I have a good record, and theoretically, that would make me the better choice for the job. But these boozers have gotten their records wiped clear by the generosity of the courts and they are now on the same level as I am. WHY? It is total crap. I am the one who is responsible and uses my head when having fun.

It just pisses me off that kids who deliberately break the law and get themselves in trouble can get a clean criminal record, when I have done nothing wrong and have the same record as they do. It is illogical and unfair to those who obey the laws in place.



Bob the Builder: "So the moral of the story is: Drink until you puke!"

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So this past summer has been pretty much the worst to date. This has really thrown me off, and messed up things for me. I am used to summer being full of ice cream cones, melted chocolate in my pocket and dehydration. Summer has always been the high point of the year for me when I thrive and rev up for the upcoming winter grind. What did I get. Crap. Let me explain why.

1) The weather sucked. April showers bring May...wait no those damn showers just kept going all the way through August. It rained every other day, I swear, and we didn't have any of those really hot days summer is know for. I am not happy unless the temp in over 90. The temperature this summer was very much below normal, and I can only think of four or five days all summer when it was actually hot. I was not pleased at all. I think I am going to write a strongly worded letter...and send it...somewhere. Eh, doesn't matter, I will figure that out later.

2) Drama. It all started when my ex went crazy and fled the state (I swear this is my last referance to her for a while) that caused drama up the wazoooooooooo and that drama carried right throught the summer. For some reason everyone, but my few close friends, were freaking out, trying to make themselves the victim to get attention (goupil). I mean, I don't want to name names (goupil) because that isn't the point, but some people were pains in the ass (goupil) and made things a lot harder than they had to be. (goupil) Anyways, it really put a damper on the summer when no one could keep their emotions in check and stay sane.

3) Why did I have to wreak my damn car, Now that it is all better and the red dragon is back in shape, it has all passed, but three weeks of my summer were destroyed because I wished them away waiting for the damn car to get fixed. And let me add...I think it rained a lot too during those weeks.

4) My best friend (not my SIDEKICK...) was gone all summer to camp...hmmm...I don't think any of you know him, but I always have a lot of fun with him, and it really did suck not to be able to do the crap we do.

5) Cheese

There were a few times I will look fondly upon from this summer, so it wasn't a complete waste, but for some reason I can only focus on the negative. Kinda like when you find five dollars...then catch on fire. Now summer is over, we can all breath a sigh of relief. We can all go back to school, work, or being homeless. So get ready cause the crappy weather, endless hours or school work, and Santa Claus are on the way, so you better be good or Santa Claus is gonna crap under your Christmas tree.

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I'm not really sure what is bringing this on, but tonight I am really quite depressed. I am just not really happy with the way things are going. It isn't that my life is that bad at all. It is actually pretty good, I have a good job that I enjoy, I am going to school and trying to make something of myself, I have a girlfriend who is really great and makes me happy, I have friends who are fun to be with and are genuinly good people, I have a great supportive family, and I drive a nice car. All those things make me happy. So it would seem that everything is good. But for some reason if not everything in my is perfect at any given time, I find myself falling into these random depression traps. Maybe it is the late, lonely nights...I don't like to be alone. My mind starts spinning and I forget why life is good.

I like to think I am a well balanced kid, and that I am good about keeping myself on the level, but sometimes I slip. Like right now my computer is crap, and I need a new CD-RW drive, I have a couple thousand dollars worth of bills I have to pay for very soon as well. This is making me freak out for some reason. Funny thing is, I have pleanty of money for these things, and I will have no problem handling them, but something about the fact that these problems exist drives me up the wall. I am a perfectionist and I hate not being able to keep things under my control all the time.

I am greatful for the people I have surrounded myself with, I have been pretty good at bringing people in to my life at certain times who help me grow and develop as a person at that given time. All my friends make me a better person in some way. Even my crazy ex-girlfriend, who stabbed me in the back, at one point was a good influence for me. She really helped me form into the person I am today. I used to be really reserved and quiet, but a lot of times now I am a lot more agressive in my day-to-day life and that has had a tremendous effect on my social and professional life. Don't get me wrong, I still hate that damn bitch with every ounce of my existance, but I do acknowledge those who have helped me along my path to where I am now.

I have just been worried about losing these people who I love so much. I am at that point in my life where all my friends are getting ready to head off to who knows where to go after their own personal goals, and I am still sitting here in the same town, working at the same job, not going anywhere. I just wonder what I am going to do after all of my close friends move on without me. I don't blame them, but it just makes me sad that there is nothing I can do about it.

Well, I know I will feel fine in the morning, cause I always do, but right now I need to just relax and forget about it. I leave you with this...don't spank the robot, cause sometimes he will slap back.

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Ringtones...not to be confused with rigatoni, are the dumbest things ever. Well, I take that back, all ringtones, except the "Knight Rider" theme, are stupid. "Knight Rider" was an awesome show, David Hasselhoff and a talking Pontiac Firebird named Kit who fight crime. Who can beat that? Anyways, ringtones are lame; this kid I work with just got a new cell phone and was all excited about his new ringtone. It was some obscure rap song. The volume of the song exceeded the abilities of the small speaker in the phone, so it sounded like crap. I don't really see what the big deal is with this fad. When my phone rings...I WANT IT TO SOUND LIKE A PHONE RINGING! These people with songs as their ring will just let it ring for a while, then are like..."oh crap, is that MY phone?" Of course it is! When all of the sudden, Jay-Z's "Big Pimpin" starts playing from your pocket, you should know if it is your phone or not.

The five-second rule, a good rule for those of us who love food so much we are willing to get sick for a bite. When does this rule apply, and when does it not? What if you drop it in the dirt? Or, in the cat box? What if you drop it in the bathroom, but not IN the toilet, NEXT to it? Would you risk it? There were times when I took advantage of the five-second rule, when I am really not sure if it applied. Like on the school cafeteria floor. Not sure if that was a good idea. All I know is I am home sick today and I am wondering if the five-second rule is to blame.

My last thought for the day, Oprah is really annoying. There are some people in the public eye, who lead middle-aged women by a leash, and Oprah is one of these people. It is not that there is anything wrong with her, but I do think it is weird that some people are obsessive over her. I am just waiting for her to fall as other icons like her have recently. Rosie O' Donnell was loved for a short amount of time...then people realized she was freakin' annoying. Then Rosie told everyone she was gay. That was just more reason for people to dislike her. Where is Rosie now? Another icon now fallen, Martha Stewart. Middle-aged women adored her everywhere for years and years. Now she is a criminal.

Fin.

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So the summer Olympics are coming up in three days or...whatever...and I was just thinking. Who cares? The summer Olympics are not really interesting at all to me. Dudes running around...guys riding on bikes, people swimming, point I am trying to make here, is that I didn't mention any names...mostly cause Olympians aren't really special to people, it isn't like national sports like baseball or football where you get to know the players and see them week to week. Olympians get there one shot at fame then you don't see them for four years...or at all.

I don't enjoy the summer Olympics cause it lacks that emotion of knowing the people involved. It might as well be robots fighting for these metals. Come to think of it...maybe they ARE robots!!! What robot wouldn't want a big shiny gold, silver, or bronze piece to show off to their aluminum bodied friends?

Of course some people here in the states get all excited because of the nation pride aspect of it. America's best versus the rest of the world. Well, from what I know of the Olympics, our people usually suck pretty badly when the pressure is on. All that I have seen at least...There is always some third world dude who came from adversity to reach his potential...yada yada...lets make a movie about it. So in three days I will make sure to avoid my TV so I don't have to see this crap.

Ok, if you don't care about hearing about my car anymore, stop reading here...

On a much lighter note, my injured car is finally getting stripped down and put back together tomorrow. The parts just came in to the shop and I am pretty excited, I should have it by the end of the week. These couple of weeks have been pretty agonizing, not because I miss the car, but because I miss the freedom that the car gave me. I hate having to use my mom's car and ask permission and work around that schedule. It blows major llama. Llama I love how that word has two L's. That makes me smile.

While my car is in the shop I am getting some new crap to make her look better than before...including these nice OEM fog lamps...a Type R lip, and a Type R grill....essentially making my car look like and Si Civic. This also makes me happy like a new born baby pooping in its diaper.

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With my car in the shop, I have been pretty much bound to my house. I have been looking for things to entertain myself with until it gets fixed. After the novelty of chasing squirrels around and shooting them with my pellet gun cause they were raiding out bird feeders wore off, I needed another idea. So I thought I would pick up an old favorite past time of mine: biking. So I jumped on my mountain bike and started a trek through the back roads of my little town. I planned to do just a few miles. It has been a while since I had last gone riding, and I knew the roads had a lot of hills and such. I figured I would be able to tough it out, boy was I wrong. My lazy ass got about one-third through my route before I crapped out and had to turn around and head back home.

So on the ride back I was thinking this would make a good column, cause I wanted to share that I am really out of shape. Like, if you look at me, I look perfectly healthy and in shape...but this just proves I am not. It has been about two years since I have done any REAL physical activities. I have been just working a lot and trying to keep up a social life. Getting a car never helps with keeping in shape either. So when I got home I parked the bike and walked inside...my legs felt huge. It felt like I had these large muscular legs...but then I look down...nope, no muscular legs, my regular legs were still there. Yeah, I cried.

So I am hoping I can get on this and start getting back to how I was a couple years ago. I wanna get out there and start biking again, start lifting weights a little, bulk up just a little. Cause right now I don't think I even own any muscle tissue at all.


I can't wait until that little squirrel comes back. Trying to steal our bird food...I will bust a cap in his furry ass...then I will probably shoot the birds too.

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It times come me for posting. Yeah, you heard me. Well, another week has passed and I have a bunch of random things to talk about. Just things that have happened lately that I think are worth talking about. Not really a meaningful column, but hopefully you will all enjoy.

I ordered a couple things for my car a few months back from an online performance parts distributor totaling $600. I purchased a high flow catalytic converter, a cat-back exhaust system, and a body piece for my Civic. Now when a $600 order comes in, you think these companies would jump on it and want their money, but apparently not. I ordered these parts back on April 20th, and have yet to get billed for it. I am not complaining, I am actually kind of excited. I wrote them an email telling them what had happened, and they haven't responded. Now that means I was able to replace my entire exhaust system and improve the appearance of my car....for free. God, I love it when things like this get lost in paperwork. So in the mean time, I have taken that $600 dollars and have put it towards paying my insurance....and of course, more stuff for my car. This rocks.

We have reached the halfway point for the summer. Now, some close friends and myself have put together a list of things we want to do before the summer is up. Well, we were going to have a creepy ouija session, but none of us had a board we could use. So that meant it was time for a trip to our friendly Tilton Wal-Mart. So we get there and we look for the board, and to my dismay, the Tilton Wal-Mart doesn't carry ouija boards. WTF? Why is it that they have 20 other stupid games, but they don't have a traditional ouija board?? I swear, our local Wal-Mart seems more and more like an Ames every time I go in there.

So, on my way home for The Mexican's casa, I swung by a local 24-hour gas station, only to find four derelicts playing hacky-sack, and they asked me if I wanted to play. Now mind you this was around 1:00 a.m. I am sorry, but the only sack that I play with at 1 a.m. is the one I don't wanna kick. It just makes me wonder, is this the most constructive way for these kids to spend their time? Then after asking if I wanted to "hack" they asked if I knew where they could "score some rock." Ahhhh, now I understand why they are in a gas station playing hacky sack, cause when you sell your TV and you stop being able to pay the cable bill cause you spent it all on "rock," kicking a $2.00 ball of beans is about the best form of entertainment available. Well...rock, that smoothly brings me into my next subject.

The British band Muse definitely kicks major ass. I recently bought their CD "Absolution" and I am blown away. I have been looking for some fresh, original music for quite some time. These guys combine dynamic vocals, with an array of different music styles. Kind of reminds me of this other band, Random Feedback. (btw, soon as Mr. Roboto gets back from camp, I am hoping we can start cranking some really good stuff. I'll keep ya posted!) Muse really knows how to pack an album with truly good songs with great punch. So out of all the new music out there and all the other CD's I could recommend. I advise anyone who appreciates good music to pick up Muse's Absolution. I guarantee, if you know music at all, this band will not disappoint you.

While on the subject of recommending things to buy, I have a little bit of a product review. Anyone who gives a crap about his or her car knows that washing it can take a good amount of time and can be tedious. Well, not anymore. Recently my mother got me the Mr. Clean AutoDry carwash for my B-day. This washing system will cut your washing time by a third at least and will get you a shine that could never be achieved by conventional washing methods. The AutoDry car wash system lets you soak, soap and dry your car with only a sponge handy in less than 20 minutes. All you do is fill the washer gun thingy with the Mr. Clean carwash soap hook it up to the hose, spray on the soap while wiping the car down with a sponge to get all the dirt off, then using the Pur AutoDry feature, spray off the soap with the filtered, deionized water and the car will dry without a single spot in minutes. For 20 bucks it is the best investment you can make for your car. So go get it!

ok...well that ends that, Seacrest out.

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I just wanted to point out, it is 4:30 and I just woke up. God, I love summer.

I watched a movie with Jarred and Kallie last night (she was sleeping, though.) The movie was U-571, about this damaged german U-boat that these American sailors who try to intercept to get the german coding machine "the enigma" during WW2. While posing as a supply sub for the german sub, their ship gets torpedoed and they are forced to take over and repair the german U-boat, U-571. I'm not going to go too into detail about it, just go rent it, it rocks.

After watching this great movie, it got me thinking, what ever happened to the good ol' days of warfare, when it is going to be about the good old days of warfare when war was declared and it was military vs. military. Remember that, when fudes were settled using militart force only? Now it is different. The enemy cannot be seen as easily, and attacks are made against civilians more often than not. War was so much more structured back then. Countries actually had some sort of ethics when it came to war. seemed to have more class...it really WAS something to be proud of. You knew who your enemy was and you knew what your mission was. Like, you fought these guys over here to stop them from getting supplies to their other posts....simple. Now it is more like, we kill these guys cause we are in an unjust war and we are told to kill them, even though we are invading THEIR contry for no good damn reason. And it goes both ways, our enemys today are sneaky and dirty, and there are no ethics or laws of war. I just hate it, warfare today is so wrong.

The military back then, seemed to have more class...it really WAS something to be proud of. The military became a bunch of crap after the cold war, once we got into dessert storm, it was all downhill from there. The middle east has always been a mess and we are never going to be able to fix it by blowing shit up and shooting people.

I don't want to get in to the politics of it, cause we all know where that will lead us. Just seeing some of those war movies set back in World War 2 really put things into perspective for me. I just miss the days when there was honor in the military and wars were faught for just reasons.

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Today The Mexican, his girlfriend, FreakBurrito, irisangelapearl, Kallie and I all went to Canobie Lake Park. It was a pretty good time overall, went on some little spinny-pukey rides...rode some roller coasters....and of course, went on the bumper cars! While waiting in line for the bumper cars, Kallie and I noticed something. There always seems to be a kid who doesn't know how to drive the cars, and ends up being THE KID STUCK IN THE CORNER. As the kid would get stuck and take several seconds to get oriented, it made me think, for most young people that could be a metaphor for their lives. Being the kid stuck in the corner.

Well, after about 6 hours of tired, old rides, and dehydration, we decided to head home for the night. FreakyB took off first and I followed soon with Kallie and Jess as my passengers. By the time Brian made it to the highway he was driving like a maniac, trying to look cool and go fast...we couldn't let the happen. We had to show him what was up. So Kallie gave me a simple mission. Beat Brian to exit 19. And so began....

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Well, I had this idea for a column, and for the past few days I have been looking for time to write it. But I was so busy between finishing up my summer classes, and work, that I had no time to work on it. Well, last night I looked at the gripe corner...and to my dismay...our good friend Anarki stole my idea and wrote an elaborate gripe about his feelings towards the candidates for the upcoming presidential election. Damn, now I am stuck without an interesting topic. But instead of crapping out and waiting for another topic of interest to arise I am just going to talk about a few little things, interesting or not.

...this is going to be my worse column ever...

I was working a night shift last night at the LOVELY Tilt'n Diner (note the sardonicism) and found out I was to be the supervisor for the back of the house. (kitchen) This was good news because it meant I would get to boss people around and take long breaks. Oh and I did. Everything was going well; I had people doing all the jobs my boss had instructed me to get done. We had two new people though...from Jamaica. These people suck...they are lazy and quite demanding. We had this dude Andre working (looked just like the Andre from Outkast, too!) and of course he had to have the radio set to Mix 94.1...the worst station in the world. Had to get his fill of the urban beats, I suppose. So that pissed me off, but then he was being really pushy about taking cigarette breaks. I didn't want to make him mad at me...he could probably kill me. But being a supervisor was fun. Like being king in some respects....eh.

This afternoon I was watching elimidate. For any of you who haven't seen the show, it is where they take a guy or girl and set them up with four members of the opposite sex and let them all go on a date. As the date progresses, the guy or girl eliminates one of them at a time until they have chosen who they want to date. Eh, stupid idea, but it is usually pretty entertaining. So this episode I was watching had this one pretty average guy, and they matched him with four REALLY cute girls. The two hottest ones ended up fighting pretty hard to get this guys attention. Now that got me wondering, were they fighting because they wanted him, or because of the competitive factor involved. It also got me wondering why hot girls aren't fighting over me. Cause this guy was a total loser, and they wanted him. So check this out, I am going to do my own elimidate type deal. So any girls who want to participate, e-mail me with your phone number, a brief description of why you think you are super hot and a picture proving you are super hot. It will be fun.

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The former dictator of Iraq, Saddam Hussain, made his first public appearance since his capture in December in an Iraqi court today. Wearing a civilian suit (you know, the ones you see EVERY Iraqi man wearing in the movie Three Kings) and looking quite shaken, declared "You know that this is all a theater by Bush, the criminal, to help him with his campaign," Saddam was charged with several war crimes, which he brushed off without regard.

Wether you agree with Bush or not, and regardless of if you think we should be in Iraq or not, you have to agree, having Saddam finally facing charges in an Iraqi court after 35 years of crimes against his own people seems like justice will finally have a chance to be served. That, if nothing else, is a major plus that has come from this war. Among the charges brought up in today, were the gassing of thousands of Kurds in 1988, the 1990 invasion of Kuwait, the suppression of 1991 revolts by Kurds and Shiites, the murders of religious and political leaders and the mass displacement of Kurds in the 1980s.

The beginings of the trial didn't go without resistance by the former dictator, when asked to state his name, he stated "Saddam Hussein al-Majid, president of Iraq" and insisted he be refered to as the "president of the Republic of Iraq." Saddam also refused to sign a document stating the crimes he had commited as president of Iraq without a lawyer present. He made it seem as if he had immunity to the accusations because he was president. Yeah...that makes sense...way to use your expert logic to sway the court Saddam...

For the most part (or at least the side the media is playing up) the Iraqi people are glad to see Saddam in from of the court, and they want him to not only be punished, but tortured and humiliated. But not every Iraqi citizen feels this way. They still feel Saddam should be in power in Iraq and that the country was better off with him in power. Some feel he provided them with security, where America has not been able to provide them with that.


*Although I don't intend to have my column become a news board, I do think it is a good idea to highlight major news articles that some people may not read elsewhere.

*Some parts of this column based off AP News articles.

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So I went to the fireworks at the Winnisquam High School field last night, and I must say, for a Tilton-Northfield event, they were quite good. Actually, in comparison to most of the firework displays I have been to in recent years, this one kicked the crap out of all of them.

Couple of things I noticed while at the fireworks, though. The way they were firing them off, hot particles were raining down on many spectators. VERY UNSAFE! A whole cluster of the fireworks ended up going into some pine trees and then shattering off into a million pieces. I was afraid of a possible fire...however, it was worth it to see all the people over near the trees freaking out and running away in fear.

Also, I noticed there were many cops there. An unnecessary amount if you ask me. Some over-seeing parking, some randomly wandering and some on their cool pedal bikes just cruising around. But while there, I was thinking, "are this many cops necessary?" It was open season for petty crimes and traffic violations during this time.

Ok, onto something completely different. This weekend, I was at the good old Tilt'n Diner working my buffet and kind of amused to see how aware people are of how unhealthy their diets are. I was over hearing some rather large folks talk (though it was hard to hear over the sound of them shoveling greasy sausage and bacon onto their plates)
and they said something to the effect of "oh man, this is an instant heart attack. Mmmmmmmm." Oh, and my other favorite one is, "I can almost feel my arteries clogging already!"

In a nation where obesity and heart disease is a problem, you think people would be more conscious about what they eat. But plain and simple, people don't care. They want the instant satisfaction of eating 10 pieces of bacon, and then following it up with a biscuit SLATHERED in sausage gravy. It's kind of sad to watch. Saturday morning, it was a few minutes before the buffet opened, one of the waitresses sold them it and told them it would be just a few minutes before we opened. Well, we had all of the food out, but I hadn't brought the utensils out yet...these people (obese...who'da thunk?) Went up and started to dig in with their hands. The waitress told them that they couldn't do that. Their response...."Oh, we don't mind."

Fat idiots...

Oh yeah, and I bet you are wondering what the jacket part of the title of this column is...well, I wear a jacket all the time so people won't know I am fat. Just some words I heard the other night that I thought you all could ponder for a while.

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I am quite disgusted with police in my area. They are so arrogant. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of respect for police, but they really need to be more aware of their conduct. The relationship between the authorities and citizens is always one where the cops think everyone is a criminal and, the people think the cops are intimidating assholes.

For the most part it is true. Cops need to be aware of what people are doing and they need to investigate anything that may be in violation of the law, but not everyone is a criminal and cops are very intimidating. They are always throwing their weight around and putting their noses in to innocent people's business.

First off, let me once again say, yes, I respect the police and I do try to obey the law as often as I deem necessary. And when I have run-ins with the cops, I always try to treat them with respect and not get upset. A lot of cops will adjust their attitude based on yours, but not all of them. Let me tell you of some of the not so fun run experiences I have had recently.

The other day, FredFredrickson (a.k.a. Mr. Roboto) brought home four of his friends from Camp Sentinel to have the "Chunky's experience" (I never though Chunky's was something that could be referred to as if it were a roller coaster.) So Robbie took all his friends and piled them into his Corolla. Kallie and myself went ahead in the Civic (a.k.a. the pimp mobile) to meet them there. Well we get there and I notice a cruiser across the street, and when Robbie pulled in, the cop followed him in. When Mr. Roboto got out of the car, this punk-ass young cop aked him for his I.D. A little perplexed, Robbie kindly aks him why. Then the cop flipped out, and with a good thick attitude in his voice says, "Cause I asked you for it."

Now, there was no need for the officer to raise his voice and give such an attitude. When an officer asks you for an I.D. and the reason for it is unclear, you have the right to ask why. Turns out the officer was just checking to see if was of age to be transporting that many people in his car. If the officer had just answered Robbie when he aksed why he wanted his I.D. the interaction could have gone so much smoother. But because many cops are on such power trips, these kinds of things happen all the time. Wonder why Biggie talked about shooting cops?

Probably a bad example...but it seemed right at the time.

I haven't really ever had things like that happen to me, Robbie just seems to be a cop magnet, and they like to be rude to him for no reason. However, they have harassed me constantly because of my car. For all of you who don't know, I drive a red 2000 Honda Civic EX Coupe. Very sporty. It is stereotypical kind of car cops like to pull over and since I got my first speeding ticket, I have calmed down my driving style a lot.

So since I no longer drive like a maniac (Kallie, don't say a word) they don't have a reason to pull me over, but that doesn't stop them from messing with me just to get me shaken up. They like to follow me...and I am not talking about paranoia, I am talking about EVERYTIME there is a cop sitting on the side of the road being bored, they follow ME! Why? Cause I am a "street racer." ...Idiots.

There was also this other time; in my hometown of Northfield...I was driving home about mid-day going about 35 in a 30...completely reasonable. I look back in my rear view and I see this cruiser flying up with his blues on, so I pull over and he zips by...I notice it is a Tilton cop. So I follow him a little ways up the road and see he has turned off onto a road, turned off the blues and slowed down. The bastard was only doing that to mess with my head. I was pissed, so I though I would have a little fun. The road he went down connects back up to the main road I was still on so I figured I would meet him at the end. Sure enough as I near the entrance to the road he was coming down, he pops out from behind the bushes, ready to run the stop sign and head back to Tilton. He comes to a quick stop I turn down the road he was on cutting real close to his nose and giving him a big old mocking grin....it made me feel a little better.

Well, seriously though, cops really need to think about how they treat the people they are supposed to be serving. How am I ever supposed to trust and respect these people when they act like freaking clowns with sticks up their asses?

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So it is bike week here in New Hampshire, and it only can mean one thing to me. Bikers acting like they own the road.

The other night I was coming home from FredFredrickson's house, and on the way, two bikes pulled out of a bar behind me. I don't know, something about sporty type cars (like mine) and motorcycles doesn't mix apparently. As I was driving these bikes got right up less than a car lenth from my rear bumper. So to get them off my tail a little, I increased my speed a little. Of course, their huge egos step in, and they increase their speed as well.

After following me for about three miles one of the bikers did what I predicted he would do. The biker increased his speed and blew by me on the double yellow. Now that pissed me off. I get mad when people pass me on the right on the highway, but when I get passed on the double yellow, that enrages me. So I chase him down, but of course the other biker behind me tails me to intimidate me. So I catch the offending biker and as the road turns to two lanes, I blow by them, switch lanes and use myself and another car to block their progression.

Just when I thought I had them beat, they pull off into a gas station where other bikers have assembled. So I consider turning around and pulling into the parking lot to vent my frustrations, but then I remember bikers have a poor reputation for a reason. So with no intent to get my ass kicked I keep heading home.

Here is the thing, why is it that the vehicles that are more dangerous to operate are the ones who disregard the laws of the road the most? In driver's ed, there was a whole section on making sure to take extra care when around bikers. WHY? These scum don't deserve it. They obviously do not care for the safety of themselves or others while riding, so why should I change my driving style to accomidate their stupidity?

Now of course, I am making a lot of generalizations, but it happens more and more often, but Harley and crotch-rocket riders, alike, always believe they have something to prove, and that they need to push the limits of safety and good judgement.

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So last night I was up depriving myself of sleep, when I decided to watch a little television. Personally I hate TV these days, it is all mindless dribble that makes me want to inflict pain on others. But despite my better judgement, I did a little channel surfing. After seeing oodles of paid programming and horrible MTV shows, I found myself delighted when I reached Spike TV. Ironic, huh? One of my all time favorite childhood shows was on: Ren & Stimpy.

I started wondering if the show really was all that good, or if it only was appealing because I was young. I have to say, Ren & Stimpy was quite possibly the best cartoon ever created. It was one of the few cartoons that was out there enough to entertain my demented young mind. It nurtured the side of me that was a little weird, and I think it helped shape part of my character while growing up. Scary thought, but it is true.

Think about it, this was the show that shocked me when they said 'crap'. God, I was only 7, I was still afraid to say damn. But this show crossed that line, with content not necessarily ok for kids under 10. I think the show is a hell of a lot funnier now looking back, I understand a lot more of the crude jokes and references. I wonder where our generation would be without this masterpiece of TV programming.

Which brings me to my point. Fast forward about 10 years. Turn on Kids WB around 4 p.m. What cartoons are we now subjecting children to? Pokemon....POKEMON? What the heck is that? Although I must admit, when killing time before I have to go to work, Pokemon is entertaining in a mind-numbing, drool-inducing kinda way. But what the heck ever happened to quality television? I watched a lot of TV when I was young and it was always very entertaining, but I hate TV now. Why is that? Becuase of shows like Pokemon and MTV's Room Raiders. These kind of shows do nothing to generate original thought or help young people develop.

Television today is stupid, and as ridiculous as Ren & Stimpy was, it at least made you laugh...it made you think a little bit. What ever happened to the good old days? They have gone down the drain with the likes of Full House and Beavis and Butthead.

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So yeah, here I am, all admin-ified now, promising to write columns that don't suck. Well, I can make no guarantees, hopefully you will all find me as entertaining as I find myself. If nothing else, I will most likely post more than the other admin here on FV. So that automatically makes me suck less than the others... So sit back and enjoy the magic that is SpIkE and bask in the glory that is he. No witty crap or funny out of me now, though. We will save that for another day. So run along now and go play baseball with this monkey.

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*(Originally appeared on the main board on 8/3/04)

This past Friday I thought I was having a great day. I was at work and everything was going smoothly, I was in a great mood and everything was awesome. After work I got my paycheck and had just gotten a review from my manager telling me how great a worker I am and that I was the mold he wishes his other employees could fill. He also gave me a raise. I had plans to go out for the night with a really nice girl, too. God, seemed as if the day couldn't get any better. But just when I thought everything was perfect, it all came crashing down.

As I was pulling out of the Tilt'n Diner, I sat at a stop sign waiting to cross the busy road. I needed to cross three lanes to make it to the fourth to head home. As I waited the lights turned red for those folks going down the road, so the first two lanes stopped to let me out, so I began heading out, not seeing a car heading down the third, mostly un-traveled, turning lane. As I crept across his tires locked up and all I heard was the squealing, then a loud smash as my car came to a halt and my bumper was dragged off, stuck in his door. This was bad. I had saved and had earned every penny of my car. It was hard work that got me this nice lightly modified 2000 Honda Civic EX Coupe. But my baby was injured.

No one was hurt, but my pride was and so was the beloved "pimp mobile." I called my mom to come down, and after the police came, and the pieces of my car were picked up and shoved into my trunk, I took that fateful drive home. Needless to say, I have been a bit depressed, driving my mom's car to the places I need to go, and seeing my baby with broken wings every time I step out into the garage. I have insurance, so I will be covered, but this sucks.

As far as I can tell, the car will be ok. Insurance is sending a dude over to appraise the damage Wednesday, there is a little front frame damage, but it is minimal. I will need a new headlight, bumper, and fender. I think we will be able to salvage the hood. I was pricing out some stuff online and I can get all stock parts I need pretty cheap. Including all body pieces, headlight, bumper and bumper re-enforcements for around $350. So I should be pretty set. This is pretty encouraging cause I thought it was going to be a lot more for stock parts...

So I leave you with this...everyone be careful out there, cause no matter how good of a driver you are, courtesy can kill. Had I been two feet further up, I could have easily been injured badly. I escaped with a hurt car, but it could have been worse. So everyone be smart, and be safe on the roads. NEVER TRUST OTHER DRIVERS.

7.16.07 Update!! This is how ye olde Civic is looking these days!

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