Zero to sixty in TWELVE GALLONS!!!1 - Poop on a stick

YOUR LEADER HAS RETURNED AS THE PROPHECY PREDICTED! GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEYS IN A LARGE PAPER OR PLASTIC BAG AND GIVE ME CANDY BARS! DON’T YOU HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE WRITE IN ALL CAPS? DON’T YOU FEEL VERY THREATENED, AS IF I AM YELLING AT YOU? WELL, I AM YELLING! I AM VEEEEEERY ANGRY RIGHT NOW. I WANT THOSE CANDY BARS.

Candy bars rhymes with cars. I drive one. A car…not a candy bar (in case you were confux0red.) When I am driving, I see SUVs. I freakin’ hate SUVs…they are more like SUCK-UVs. There is absolutely no reason for a housewife living in the city to own one. Even if they DO need all the extra room for groceries, kid’s sports equipment, or antelopes, a Minivan will provide that and will do it better and on less gas. Ahhhhh, gas, the number one reason I hate Suck-uvs. Going zero to sixty in 12 gallons, they suck up more gas than anything on the road. Gasoline is a resource that is running out faster than Tickle Me Elmos during the Christmas of 1996, and all the gas is going to disappear cuz of them road hoggin’ biatches!

Them stupid vehicles are death traps for everyone within 100 feet. The driver could die from a rollover (that is if Firestone doesn’t get to ‘em first.) or they could simply run you over. Suck-uv’s are considered “light truck vehicles” so they are exempt from bumper height regulations cars have to abide by. So when a stupid “LTV” hits your car, it doesn’t just crunch your bumper…it runs yo’ ass ova! No questions asked.

For a second, lets imagine a world with no big ass SUVs around. I would say gas prices would be down, because there would be less demand. I may be wrong on that, I’m no economist. Who cares, it’s never going to happen anyways. Take my hand, keep dreaming with me…parking lots would be friendlier, and you wouldn’t have to squeeze between two fat ass SUVs to get into a parking spot, only to have your car hit by their door while they are loading up THREE bags of groceries. The death rate on the road would be considerably lower. So there would be less of a chance of dying when you're out on a Sunday drive. YAY! What a happy place this would be. I want to live in that place. Oh wait…there is a place like that…I think it’s called Europe. Those guys pay out the bum-bum for gas. But I mean, not literally. I don’t think anyone would accept poop instead of cash. I know I wouldn’t.

We all know this dream will never come true, but there is something you can do. I’m not sure what that is really, but you'll think of something.

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Riev_Mordred @ 05/11/05
"Yay new article."

rc_dp @ 05/11/05
"Thank you for addressing the problem! I just love the A+ Detailing Hummer...it makes me want to throw up!!"

Snock @ 05/11/05
"I'm friends with DJ Barbuto (the guy who owns it) and I must agree with you on that. it looks ugly as hell because of the decails and it consumes more gas then................ well something that consumes a shit load of gas"

rc_dp @ 05/11/05
"DJ is a great guy and all, he used to have some great vehicles but that hummer...."

irisangelapearl @ 05/11/05
"I don't think i understand the average american."

chronic_groupie @ 05/11/05
"me either"

Pinkstar @ 05/11/05
"Hey hey hey, I drive a Jeep...whenever my mom allows it lol. But yeah they're gas hogs, but thats the consumers choice. Plus, some guys think a Hemmie or whatever accents their wang. It doesn't."

Pinkstar @ 05/11/05
"oh and if I buy a car, its going to be small...like a minicooper."

Snock @ 05/11/05
"how do you know DJ?"

rc_dp @ 05/12/05
"my sister dated him a long time ago, that is how DJ has come in to my life..."

FacUtVivas @ 05/18/05
"Jeeps are quite frankly bad vehicles. Somewhere along the way, it became cool for something to suck as much as possible. Let's go through the design process for a JEEP WRANGLER: First, styling. Style is the most important aspect of a vehicle in the US... I think it would be cool to make a car shaped like a box... a tall box with closely shaped wheels. If you had to make a rolling vehicle that had: A. A windshield, B. Wheels And spend the lowest possible amount of money, this is what it would look like. The next important thing to address is aerodynamics... Styling overrides this decision, so we are going to leave the vehicle as a box. Nothing is more fun then pushing a flat-edged box through the air at high speed. I'll bet if automobiles were human powered this would be a popular configuration....... Now, utility. Let's make the vehicle look as big as possible by making it taller, while keeping it small inside so you can't fit much in it. Then we will use substandard materials inside and keep everything boxy and cheap so it looks "rugged". Handling is the next concern... To address the fact that a very tall vehicle with a narrow span and a short wheelbase is inherently unstable, we will put in optional four wheel drive. Better not turn it off in the snow or RAIN if you want to drive around corners however... This leads us right into safety. It's a good thing the jeep comes with roll bars because there isn't much else protecting you in the VERY LIKELY event of a rollover. The windshield is a plank attatched with hinges and the top is open to the air. To either side of you are doors of about 2" thickness that are removable. In the event of a collision, you can be certian there will be little to arrest your movement except for the dashboard and the useless window up front."

SpIkE @ 05/18/05
"well put."

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