I was at Sears last night picking out some new appliances for my new house with my mom, and I realized something. I never want to get old. As we were looking at stoves and crap, an old couple came wandering over and they were discussing what they needed in a stove. The older man was all over the place looking at all the stoves and pointing out how he didn’t like the new electric glass top stoves. Why is technology denied by older people? Especially something like that! Both products heat up and are able to cook. One is just easier to clean because there is no exposed element. I just don’t understand it. Anyways, he was talking to his wife about the stoves, and she was so complaisant, and almost not there. There was this neutral zone around her head. I never want to have my relationship with my wife to become like that. I don’t really want her to just go along with things like that. That is one type of old person, those kind who aren’t all there and just kind of float around.

Then there is the other kind of old person. The kind who feels that because they are old, they don’t have to take anyone’s crap anymore. There was this heavy-set older gentleman who was trying to pick out a surround sound system. That alone was odd, cause what do old people do when they settle in front of a TV for too long? They fall asleep. Come on old man, save the money and just buy a new recliner. Well, he told the Sears guy the only reason he was even shopping there was because he was getting a deal through his GOLF CLUB. Oh no. One of these guys. The golfer type who think they are above everyone cause they have a bunch of metal STICKS in a BAG….and some BALLS.

The other type I run into more often than I would like to is the senile old driver. I can’t count how many times I have seen an old person doing something stupid behind the wheel. Granted, it is pretty much true of every age group. People just can’t drive I guess. But old people, they do stupid things, but they are really slow about it. They will hold up traffic trying to get into a parking spot.

Have you ever noticed they always drive a white Lincoln Town Car?

I never want to get old. What is there to look forward to? Tennis on Sunday after church? Grand kids that break crap when they come over? Parkinson’s, cataracts, Alzheimer's, hearing loss, arthritis, high cholesterol, glaucoma, prostate cancer, high blood pressure, hip injury? Punk kids making fun of you…oops. These are not my ideas for the golden years.

Please, please, don’t let me age past 50.

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