The title of this post seems apt, yet quite misleading at the same time. I will leave the origin of the title a mystery, because even I can not figure out why I typed it.

Toilet paper. Who invented it? This I would like to know. Not enough to have 50 thousand emails in my inbox saying "Joseph Gayetty you idiot." I don't actually care. I guess what I'm wondering is, why he thought it was a good idea.

I admit, toilet paper is probably better than not wiping at all, and I'm sure that leaves didn't "leaf" you feeling fresh like a baby's skin. But let's speak honestly. How many of you really feel good about yourself after using toilet paper? I mean good enough to sing Handel's Messiah in a high tenor?

Growing up in my family, I believed it to be a common occurance that people use baby-wipes to clean their behinds. My parents had always kept them around because the alternative just didn't seem appealing. Only after visiting various other houses have I realized that toilet paper was common, and wet wipes were unheard of.

Now before you click off of this page thinking "what a princess wiping his butt in gold," bare with me for a second. If you found poop on any surface in your house, how would you clean it off? Would you just pick it up and go on with life? Would you wipe off that brown and oh-so-lovable smear with a paper towel? Would we stop there? No, we would most definitely get something wet to really clean it off. We know that just wiping with paper isn't going to clean it off, because paper is dry. We need water for that real cleaning action. Why would we treat our backends with any less dignity?

I believe Aristotle said it best:

"A state is not a mere society, having a common place, established for the prevention of mutual crime and for the sake of exchange...Political society exists for the sake of noble actions, and not of mere companionship."

Take a lesson from the old-timers. Clean yourself.

Stumble this article.