PASTEURIZE THIS!
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Posted by FredFredrickson on 04/24/11 11:00 pm.

Special note from Robbie: I want to warn you not to scroll down if you're easily offended. I didn't realize just how shoking this article would be before I wrote it. You have been warned. Also please see the bottom for a message from our sponsor!

Hi there! Robbie Here. Still writing, even though I know millions of you have dedicated time and money to making sure I'd never have access to a keyboard again. WELL YOU GOT THE WRONG GUY! I'm STILL HERE! AND I WILL KEEP ON WRITING NO MATTER WHAT. And today- I'm making a list of things I can't wait for: Summer, Doctor Who Season 6, Jetpacks, Lightning Infused Gorilla Stabber. That is all for now, but I'm sure I'll add more. I'm not sure what that last one is, I assume it'll be invented soon.

Now let's talk about what really bothers me: Organic Foods

For some reason, people decided that in order to be individuals, they had to invest some energy into becoming completely and udderly* retarded. I can't imagine if it's just because the signal from our outerspace overlords is getting mixed up by the 9-11 conspiracy directive transmissions that constantly bombard our heads, or because they don't put enough fluoride in our water. Either way, the point remains: People can't assess risk, or reward, and instead JUST GET HARD-ONS when given the choice between being smart and being stupid (you know, instead of making a choice. they just get boners).

Organic foods: Trying to be healthy?

People believe the hype when they hear that unpasteurized milk is better for you, or that the hormones in beef can cause cancer (or any number of unknown but potentially horrid diseases). If the lettuce you're eating had any form of pest control used, it's likely going to take over your brain and kill your entire family by making you into a family killing zombie.

The problem is that people can't assess risk. For some odd reason, they want to believe that raw milk is healthier (read: the nutrients from milk aren't lost like that devil spawn pasteurized milk) and therefore good for you, instead of considering the inherent health risk of food-borne illness that arises from drinking milk that hasn't been processed. Why are you so bad at understanding that the benefits actually don't out-weight the risks? For instance: The nutrients in milk are NOT lost. Enzymes don't "die" (as is often put). The real risks do very much exist.

Why do people fret over hormones in cows? They think that antibiotics are going to cause our beef to kill us? Or the hormones?

Facts:
-No residues from feeding antibiotics are found in beef, and there is no valid scientific evidence that antibiotic use in cattle causes illness resulting from the development of antibiotic-resistant bacteria.

-Scientific authorities agree that use of hormone implants results in the efficient production of beef that is safe.

BUT WAIT!!! WEEE DON'T KNOW MANNNN! WHAT IF THIS STUFF WILL KILL US ALL IN THE LONG RUN?

That's a good question. Here's my question: Why do you worry about things with no scientific evidence while simultaneously being unable to process things that will most certainly kill you.

How many people do you know eat organic foods to be "safe" but still smoke cigarettes, or don't wear seat-belts?

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

The fact is, your organic foods are approved by the same FDA that approves your other food. The point is, you don't want lettuce that wasn't raised with some form of pest control, unless you like eating dead/eaten lettuce full of bugs. Do you? DO YOU? I don't. I'm happy with my lettuce. I don't like finding creepers in my artichokes. Artichokes are scary enough as is thankyouverymuch

You are mistaken if you believe organic foods are better for you. They are simply more expensive.

As I always say, organic bacon will still give you a heart attack.

-ME





SERIOUSLY though folks. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN WE DEBATE THE PROS AND CONS OF MICROWAVING UNDERPANTS BEFORE WORK!

*Did he say udderly?? NO WAYYYYSSSZZZ!!!111oneoneoneeleventy11!

This message is not brought to you by Maui Tanning Salon, but since we love them so very much, we're endorsing them instead! We know you're going to tan, at least do it where they change their bulbs:

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FredFredrickson @ 04/25/11
"TLDR: everything will kill you anyway"

Applegoogle @ 04/25/11
"Fun fact about fluoride!: The EPA is starting to take the position that we don't need fluoride in our water because we get enough from toothpaste and getting too much fluoride causes fluorosis and other problems. "


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Who am I? That's a good question. I am the creator of Fredrickville.com, and the writer of the front page column. My actual name is Robbie, but for whatever reason I like Fred better. If you read my column, thanks. Feel free to leave a comment or two. Chances are, I've pissed you off anyway.

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