How to be a Douche Bag
Posted by FredFredrickson on 05/21/08 12:47am.

Douchebaggery is an ultimate state of mind and being which takes very little effort to achieve. The difficulty arises in obtaining and comprehending the secrets of douchebaggery, as these secrets are well protected by douchebags world wide. I am here to blow open this secret world, so that all of you may join in on the douchebaggery, with all of our other douchebag brethren world wide.

Before we go over the steps, we must first determine who your opponents will be. In order to master douchebaggery, you must define opponents. Opponents will be anybody who is better than you at anything, be it looks, talent, wealth, or just having a lot of possessions. These people are your enemies. You must over-come your enemies to reach douch-bag status. Now that you have defined a list of opponents, you can start on step 1.

1. Over-Compensate- You’re not very good at what you do, or at least, you’re insecure about it. You might be insecure in your masculinity, or maybe your ability to play guitar. What ever it is- we can fix it! It’s called “Over-Compensation”

From now on, take your weaknesses, pretend they’re strengths, and rub it in everybody’s face – specifically your opponents’ faces.

Let’s face it. You’re ugly. You’re no good with girls. Girls literally run from the sight of you. What do you do? Easy! Find your closest good-looking friend (opponent) who happens to be a lady’s man, and tell him what’s what. Make sure he knows that however much he thinks he’s a lady’s man, you’re more of one. Does he have a good hair cut? Make fun of it. Does his 5 O’clock shadow turn the ladies on? Call him a pedophile for his creepy beard and then call it a night. You just moved yourself up a few pegs. Make sure to do this for everything you’re bad at.

This strategy works great in groups. Confront an opponent who’s musically inclined in front of his friends, and make a bold statement that declares that you’re the only musician in the room. Deny his abilities to the very core. Make sure to appeal to the crowd. Make it a spectacle, get the crowd cheering for you! Play air guitar in your opponent’s face, proving once and for all that you’re clearly better at even faking an instrument. Challenge him to Guitar Hero, or Rock Band. If you lose, blame it on the discrepancy between the plastic guitar controller and a real fender strat.

Will this actually help you with your talents (or lack thereof)? Will this help you with the ladies? Not really. But it’ll make you feel so good that the only time you need to cry is in the shower or alone at night. Nobody has to know… in fact, people won’t know. You’re well on your way to being the ultimate douchebag! But don’t stop now…

2. Be Passive Aggressive. Don’t address anything straight on. Keep the upper-hand at all times by pretending to be cool, or “chill” with everything and everyone. But make sure to list your opponents and destroy your targets in secrecy later.

People in groups will see you as taking the higher-road in arguments, because you don’t get petty. You don’t stoop to the level of an actual confrontation. Make sure to make the other guy look like an ass. This will win you major douchebag points.

Do little things that will certainly bug your targets, possibly driving them to insanity. They can’t call you on them- or they’ll look petty. It’s brilliant; nobody will be able to touch you. If John approaches you because he’s upset you spilled grape juice on him and ruined his favorite shirt- pretend it was a mistake. Everybody will side with you, and wonder why John’s being so darn petty. Come on, John! Can’t you see it was an honest mistake?

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Continue to passively destroy your targets. The only person who will remember each incident will be your target. Everybody around them will surprisingly forget each previous incident- making your target look even more petty when he tries to confront you about your cumulative actions.

Do things like write a blog that doesn’t directly make connections to the people you’re targeting. Your targets will know who they are, and will get pissed that you’re being so publicly passive-aggressive, but they have very little recourse if they want to keep their dignity. (FYI, your targets have no dignity, because you took that away from them in step 1.)

3. Be an asshole. This is an extension of steps 1 and 2. Now that you’ve proven yourself to be the king of the planet, and you slowly but methodically destroyed your opponents. Now live the legend. You’re a freakin rock star! Live like it. You may not have an album, or crowds cheering at you when you go out for a bite to eat- but that’s all yesterday’s news. Today, you’re the king, baby. When ever you see a girl, hit on her without prejudice. The more crude the remarks, the better. Girls LOVE assholes. Tell her that she’s “gonna be your ho” and slap that ass.

When ever you see a fellow “dude” at a party, or on the street, make sure to put him in his place as much as you can during any conversation. Act like you’re too big for him, because, let’s face it- you ARE too big. Does Eddie Van Halen hang out with losers? No. And neither do you.

At first these steps may seem difficult or unnatural to you. But the more you live them, the more it will become second nature to you. You can be passive aggressive without even trying. We believe in you, and we know that you can certainly join the ranks of the greatest douchebags in history. Good luck.

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the_legacy @ 05/21/08
"And how! "

corinne @ 05/21/08
"the first thing I thought when I saw the picture of that guy is that this post was going to be on over-tanning before I read any of the wording"

the_legacy @ 05/21/08
"He looks freaky, almost like a Ken doll. I don’t understand how anyone would find him attractive."

FredFredrickson @ 05/22/08
"Tanning may occur in step 1 if you feel inadaquate in the looks dept."

mikey @ 06/05/08
"This will be invaluable in the near future, thanks!"

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