Tomorrow I will be an adult, and so I feel that I am now qualified to tell you a little something about kids these days. Back in my day, a scant six years ago, middle schoolers were just reaching the threshold of discovery. In sixth grade, I was barely cognizant of the fact that girls and boys had some different bits to them, and I didn’t really feel any urgent need to explore these differences in great depth. My peers were much the same; some of the kids with older siblings or younger parents were “dating”, but we all still thought that the four “bases” were not calling each other names, talking civilly, hugging and holding hands. Seventh grade meant the start of Wellness class, a time of great discovery which I spent with my fingers jammed into my ears and shouting “NO NO NO NO, I already know more about the opposite sex than I ever wanted to!” Eighth grade saw a major advancement in my personal levels of maturity and interest when I stopped blocking out the information that was forced upon us in Wellness and started making fun of it. In recent years, however, middle school students in general (according to various news outlets) and Derryfield Middle School students in particular (according to careful observations of the sex-crazed little gremlins and notoriously reliable rumors) have stopped asking their Wellness teachers “my goodness, WHY would anyone want to do something so disgusting and unnatural?” to asking “geez, why would anyone do it like that when it’s so much more satisfying to do it like this?” As a senior, I look back at my middle school years as a time of innocence and forced learning. As seniors, today’s eighth grade class will look back at their middle school years as a time of lost innocence and the exploration of various sexual perversions.

According to various news articles, more and more students are failing to enter high school with their virginity intact. More middle school students are experimenting with sex than ever before, and the numbers aren’t anywhere close to being the most upsetting part of the problem. Since they are only kids, and since they don’t really know what’s going on and are just experimenting, kids who become sexually active in middle school are more likely to have multiple partners in their first year of sexual activity than those who become sexually active later in life; worse, kids who become sluts in middle school are much more likely to sleep around through the rest of their lives. Such a lax attitude about sex has led to “games” like the one where girls wear easily-torn-off gel bracelets (with different colors to represent different acts) and the boys try to tear the bracelets off in the hope of being rewarded with sex: “I got a red bit of plastic off of your wrist, so now you have to blow me.” Gee, basing sexual relationships solely on bracelet-removing prowess seems healthy to me, what’s all the fuss about?|

National events aside, there seems to be a growing skankiness problem in the Derryfield Middle School. I have to navigate through the middle school hallways by looking at the ceiling tiles, since looking ahead of me would involve seeing enough exposed flesh to make even the most naďve person expect calls of “hey sailor”. Harlots, the lot of them. Worse than the sudden inability of middle schoolers to find clothes that fit is the behavior of the tiny little Jezebels when they are in the computer lab. As soon as you allow any of these knee-deep sexpots out from under the oppressive rule of the Middle School and give them an internet connection, they point their browsers to the dirty pictures and replace their chatter about who is dating whom with vivid descriptions of who is sleeping with whom, and how often, and with which animal by-products. I almost feel like I should be getting in trouble just for writing about this.

To counteract this growing problem, and to check the booming global population, I recommend that any person found looking at any picture less chaste than the Mona Lisa, any print material more steamy than the U.S. Constitution, or any television shows not featured on PBS’s “Bookworm Bunch” should be immediately rendered sterile. That’ll teach the buggers!

Required Reading

Zug.com I can't promise that it's all completely clean, although it's certainly not dirty. I would call it a PG-13, or maybe a PG-15. Either way, it's absolutely hilarious. And it is, apparently, the world's only comedy website. Which means that Fredrickville is either serious, or not of this world....

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