Apple Sauce Is The Food Of The Gods
The Outhouse
Posted by Applegoogle on 12/25/10 03:02pm.

Gloperina was a lowly peasant in the magical world of Elvis. Even so, Gloperina was extremely content with her existence, because she was a bit of a hippy and was just so enamored with the lush greenery and tremendous diversity in animal life. She even tried to marry Elvis once or forty two times after hearing the sarcastic barb, "If you love it so much, why don't you marry it?" She's now well aware that there's a law against it.

One gloriously sunny and 450 degree day (which equates to what 75 degrees Fahrenheit feels like in the US or about 24 degrees Celsius everywhere else on Earth), with no humidity whatsoever, a gigantic fire erupted in the atmosphere. Luckily, it spreads slow because Elves throw dead kittens into the sky at a rate of 9 every 13 seconds on Elvis (4th greatest ratio of dead kittens to seconds in Elven history*), so there was plenty of time for Gloperina to figure out how to stop the fire.

Luckily for Elvis, while Gloperina is the only one on the entire planet who actually cares and studies the planet, she's one of the greatest elves ever, because she thinks a lot. Like "Stephen Hawking with over 9000 other equally brilliant personalities" a lot. She instinctively grabbed the fire extinguisher. No dice, the fire was just too big. Next thing she did was hurl 4,000 dead kittens into the air like buckshot... it kinda worked actually, but wasn't enough to kill the fire. She was quickly running out of options and she wasn't going to waste the water on the planet on a stupid flash fire in the atmosphere. Why give dead kittens water... that's just illogical.

Then she had an epiphany.

She furiously started knitting and telepathically called the 10 fastest knitters in the land to come and help her. When they came, she explained that she needed their help to knit Lake Frgoptmdsq together so she could blanket the fire with the water while not giving dead kittens water. 7 of them immediately left, saying it was the stupidest thing they ever heard because dead kittens are the solution to all fires on Elvis. They were gonna fire dead kittens at it, but little did they know, the area had just ran out of dead kittens! The remaining three resolved to give it a chance because they were, per chance, conspiracy theorists who thought the spirits of the dead kittens coming for their revenge were the cause of the fire in the first place.

It took about 4 seconds, but the blanket of water was complete and Gloperina successfully smothered the fire. She was rewarded for her efforts with people who wanted to learn about Elvis. It touched her heart, at least until she heard about the lack of dead kittens.

* The 3 better ratios are:

3. Juponze - 5 dead kittens every 7 seconds

2. Qwerkles- 2 dead kittens every 3 seconds

1. Warsaw- A perfect 1 dead kitten per second. Only meeting the expectations of those living on the planet that Elves originate.

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The Outhouse
I will regale your audience of about 12 with stories that I make up on the spot about random things. I need an outlet for my imagination.

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