Charlie Sheen Blew His Money On Coke And Whores, And Now We're In A Worldwide Recession
The Outhouse
Posted by Applegoogle on 02/27/11 02:10pm.

Kyle the Burly Hermit Crab was waddling along, looking for a new shell because he benched pressed his way out of his old one and needed to upgrade. He recently became the first creature on the planet, on the land, in the sea, or in the air; to lift a blue whale. He had been looking for quite some time and was starting to wonder if his bench pressing had become an addiction that was detrimental to his life.

He searched high and low, near and far, and day and night. He couldn't find a shell that was big enough for him to fit in but small enough for him to carry on his back. Just then, a the fabled crab-wizard, Crustacean Sensation appeared to him and said "You will get your shell, but only after you complete three feats for me." Kyle was skeptical at first, but then was committed, because he needed that shell more than he needed critical thought and logical reasoning. Besides, what would he be doing? Fighting dinosaurs? Surely no.

Well, he guessed wrong. The very first feat was to defeat a velociraptor. While Kyle never expected to fight dinosaurs, he was preparing for them like humans preparing for the zombie apocalypse. He beat that jerkwad easily and was quickly transported to a new location... Camelot. He was informed that he needed to get Alpha Nebiculai, a rogue planet that was hurled out of it's home solar system by a black hole, into balance before it kills the home planet of a benevolent alien race. With a little focus on his chi, he was able to produce enough force to stop the planet's movement, which happened to be right in the Goldilocks zone of the solar system it was in. At that moment, Kyle was convinced that he was definitely addicted to bench pressing and needed some other hobbies, like jogging or hop scotch.

His final test was, oddly, at a comedy bar in another dimension. He was in a tank with a microphone and had to make this really angry audience laugh. For Kyle, humor doesn't come easily, and he sat there for ten minutes thinking of a joke to tell them. Finally, he remembered a joke: "If the Jacksonville Jaguars are called the Jags and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are called the Bucs, what are the Tennessee Titans called?" The audience erupted in laughter. Apparently, the NFL's popularity translates across all dimensions and, for this mighty hermit crab, was his saving grace.

He was taken back to the sea, where Crustacean Sensation presented him a form-fitting, infinitely expandable shell that only he could use. It was the greatest shell ever.

StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble this article.

No comments
Login to comment...

Return to main...


The Outhouse
I will regale your audience of about 12 with stories that I make up on the spot about random things. I need an outlet for my imagination.

Stay on top:

Search This Column

Home | Columns | Pics | Privacy Policy | Disclaimer / Terms of Use | Gripe
Everything Else ©2017 All Rights Reserved.

website tracker