In two days it will be that time of year again. The time of year where we all get pride swelling in our gizzards, and wear red to symbolize the millions of innocent that America killed in its name... for Freedom!

It is the 4th of July, and boy howdy is it gonna be sweet.

If you find yourself in Laconia, which I'm just atleast one person reading this will, you will be enjoying the many annual customs that Laconians partake in.

This includes 4 major things:

1. Getting the ugliest sweatshirt ready in advance. You want everyone there to see the mac&cheese stained Mickey Mouse sweater that you have had since 1987. This shows everyone that you are dedicated, much like America itself.

2. Pump you and your children up with as much sugar and hotdogs as possible. Everyone loves sugar, and fat, and low self-esteem, and your kids will listen to you better if you shove fried foods and cotten candy in their little porker faces.

3. Sit down and rest your fat ass for a good 4 hours before any signs of dark skies. It is important, as an American, to claim your seat on the grass, along with your entire living room. Being there extra early only proves to others how much you care about taking up as much space as possible, like America. But don't you dare let anyone close to your 5 hour campsite, if anyone gets close, stare at them until they leave. Domination is another large part of being an American.

4. When the skies are lit up by fireworks, remember to verbally annouce your opion of each individual firework. A loud, "Honey, that one looks just like a flower!" is a good way to let others know you are really paying attention. But remember, if you say all of them are flowers, people might start to copy you, and you don't want to be a follower, only a leader. Don't forget the, "Oh, that one was REALLY loud!". Some may forget that there are explosives going off, in the sky, where everyone is looking, at a consistant rate, so talk as much as you want, you're a goddamn American!


So that's it, follow those plans and you will ensure yourself a place in America's history by being a true American.

But for those of you who don't want to follow tradition (you bastards), here is an alternative 4 step process for you 4th.

1. Make special brownies

2. Eat special brownies (as seen in step one)

3. Watch the fireworks

4. Go home and make love to your significant other



HAPPY FORTH AMERICA! I F*CKING HATE YOU!

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