Operation: Marmalade
Spoons Editorial
Posted by Spoonman on 09/22/07 01:42am.

The following story is true. It was declassified in June of 2005 and withheld from the public for an additional two years. It will now be part of public knowledge. The names have been changed to protect those involved.

August 2-5, 2002. Loon Mountain Resort. "Soul-Fest", an enormous, two stage Christian music festival, which brings well in excess of 10,000 patrons. "Godtoberfest", Spoonman called it.

July 29, 2002: Spoonman sneaks off to Gregor's house while the former's parents are transacting business at a local bank. Gregor imparts a large, taped-up Folgers’s coffee can containing vinegar and garden slugs to Spoonman. Spoonman hides this parcel in his parents’ car and rides home.

July 30, 2002: Spoonman adds sliced turkey, milk, lemon juice, a raw egg, and about half a loaf of bread to the coffee can and caps it back up, shaking well. He duct-tapes around the lid and writes "Marmalade: Bio-Hazard", as well as a skull-and-crossbones, on the top in Sharpie. He leaves it in his garage to stew for the next few nights.

Aug 2, 2002: Spoonman, Fred, and Kikai arrive at Loon Mountain resort in a beat up Toyota, with food, tailgating equipment, cameras, and extra clothes. (A) It is decided that they won't be camping out, unlike the rest of the thousands of juiced up Jesus freaks on the mountainside, who, I might add, are ready to rock. (Rather, they'll use Fred's house as base camp.) In a plastic bag, stuffed under one of the Toyota's, Spoonman has hidden the Marmalade, still secured with tape.

Aug 3, 2002: The trio hears "DC Talk" perform some filthy, inappropriate songs. (B) They wait in line interminably for autographs, for some reason. (C) Fred, ironically, has a plastic spoon autographed by Toby Mack. Spoonman has a poster of Fatalist/Atheist/pseudo Hindu? Arthur Schopenhauer autographed, instead. On the way out, they pass through a large crowd of overexcited folk. Spoonman asks, "Who touched me?” Fred mentions that the crowd is so thick that it is ridiculous to ask, "Who touched me?" But don't worry, he gets it. (D)

Aug 4, 2002: The trio encounters some paranoia-clauses on the hillside, wearing stoner shades, and chat with them awkwardly. (E) Fred's friend's brother is wearing a shirt that says "Jesus Freak" in thorns. Kikai goes swimming in a nearby brook. The others join, and rock-climb. (F)

Nightfall arrives on the 4th. Fred goes down to the main stage to listen to "Five Iron Frenzy" Kikai and Spoonman are in the hills. (G) Earlier, they discussed what would become Operation: Marmalade together and agreed. The target was to be the main stage. The exit strategy was to escape into the thick crowd. Spoonman leaves Kikai and returns to the parking lot to obtain the Marmalade, now several days old and quite ripe, by his reckoning.

In Spoon's own words:
"I recall wearing khaki shorts and a gray GAP shirt that night, very innocuous. My heart was racing as I picked up the supermarket bag containing the coffee can full of Marmalade. I checked that it was still taped up. It looked ominous, and evil. I walked back from the parking lot, along the side of the river, which in the summer had a very shallow draft. I considered using utter stealth and attempting to cross it over the protruding rocks, rather than risk entry past the ticket gate, but I realized that the only way to pull this off was to play it cool, as if nothing was going down. I walked confidently across the bridge. The ticket office personnel were not even paying attention to the comings and going of the concert attendees. I imagine people were going back for extra sweatshirts, blankets, food, and such, and I would have no trouble. With the Marmalade weighing quite heavy in my left hand - the plastic supermarket bag straining on my fingers, I walked by the ticket office, (H) flashed my concert wristband in an idle fashion (probably unnecessary), and walked on in. Had I been Mohammed Atta, it could not have been easier."

From there, Spoonman walked back up the hill with the Marmalade and met Kikai. The two conferred and decided that the main stage would be an incredibly dangerous target, and decided to defer to the secondary target - the sound stage, where technicians were controlling the output and overdrive of the huge ska-musical act going on. The sound stage (I), was a large structure on risers full of switchboards and mixing equipment. It had probably 200 large cables running out of it and down hidden conduits to the main stage. The back and sides were all open.

Kikai and Spoonman make their way down near the sound stage and stop to cut the tape off the lid. (J) All they have to accomplish this with are the Toyota's car keys. Suddenly, a flashlight beam shines at them, and a man's voice asks, "Can I help you?"

Spoonman and Kikai freeze, terror-possessed that they've been caught by security. They turn and look up slowly. Before them is a man in shorts and a golf shirt. Just a good honest Christian, looking to lend a hand. Kikai and Spoonman profess that they don't need his help and thank him. He leaves.

With the Marmalade open after some struggle, and breathing through their mouths, Spoonman and Kikai come up behind the sound stage and, leaning through its open side, dump out of the Folgers' can's contents onto the floor, near some buzzing equipment. The Marmalade comes out like sludge - its color indiscernible under the concert floodlights. Spoonman and Kikai leave hastily.

They find the nearest garbage and throw out the Folgers' can (L), each taking a whiff of it first, for posterity. The smell, attested by both, is so foul, that to say they both nearly puked right there would not even begin to describe it. It was a sweaty, warm, almost medical smell. With hints of oak and chocolate.

The two grab Fred from his post in the front row as 5IF winds up their act, and they all bolt for the car and drive home. They don't stay for the Aug 5th conclusion of Godtoberfest. Spoonman vows that the operation will not be made public until all parties involved had moved out of town. This occurred in 2005. The story was attempted twice, and finally written this night of September, 2007.

The map of Loon Mountain during SoulFest 2002, and the places described:



* * *

The indgredients of Marmalade

-Live Slugs
-Vinegar
-Sliced turkey breast cold cuts
-A raw egg, beaten
-Milk
-Lemon juice
-Bread, to solidify

Mix well and leave to stew for three nights.


Case closed. Amen and amen.

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corinne @ 09/22/07
"If I had been one of those mystery people among you, I would've DARED someone to eat that ungodly sounding concoction"

SpIkE @ 09/24/07
"Holy crap I love this story."

SpIkE @ 09/24/07
"Holy crap I love this story."

SpIkE @ 09/24/07
"DAMN DOUBLE POST!"

kikai7 @ 09/24/07
"We had to smell it finally... it was important so in the future someone trying to make me smell something horrid would get the answer "eh it's not that bad, I smelled Bio-hazard Marmalade that was worse""

FredFredrickson @ 09/24/07
"heh"

ThatSam @ 09/24/07
"gross-tacular. but really, you should have video taped it."

Spoonman @ 09/24/07
"I don't get you guys who have this obsession with creating incriminating evidence."

SpIkE @ 09/25/07
"yeah AND PUT IT ON YOU TUBE!!"


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