Gold.
Spoons Editorial
Posted by Spoonman on 01/27/06.

Four years. Over 116 posts. No capitulation. No comeuppances.

A handpicked list of the most outrageous, the most scathing, and the most hilarious epigrams in Spoon's Editorial, from 2002 to 2006.

The author's views are fresh, edgy, and savvy. He's clever enough to pick the right words for the desired effect, but straightforward enough not to be ambiguous or skirt around the issue. Spoon's Editorial is estimated to contain over 100 pages of text. It is the largest and most read column on Fredrickville. Every so often there's a thought or a one-liner that is worth repeating. Finally, we have compiled a list of the best original material from the most outrageous column on the net.

Self Reflection

03/04/02 I mean, I'm not a moron, but I do think I'm indestructible.

03/06/02. I'm getting used to having to avoid being hit by flying objects, it has almost become second nature to me.

10/07/02 I'm sitting at my machine, staring at a blank sheet of Word 2000, and realizing that for all my eloquent language, my depth of knowledge, and my devilishly handsome face, I have absolutely no work ethic.

12/06/02.Now as most everyone knows, I never carry American money.

04/04/03 It's almost 5pm. You know what that means...I can catch the re-run from 3pm. Hot Damn. (on WGBH's Zoom)

05/02/03 A few days ago I went to the dentist - oh how I loathe the dentist.

11/23/03 "Caro wha??" (Trying to dodge the inevitable)

06/25/04 I definitely do not want to do a job that requires me to accomplish anything useful, like bringing goods to a location, or creating anything. I want a job that involves me writing or filling out paperwork, furthering the "red tape," managing others, or using a computer. Or possibly seeking adventure. Anything less will infuriate me.

Advice

02/01/02. You have to act like everything's perfect. I can't stress enough: the best way to be diplomatic and not make enemies is to CONFORM, CONFORM, CONFORM (only to their faces of course.)

03/12/02. I've refrained from touching yogurt ever since it became the vehicle for destroying the youth of America. Giving kids yogurt reinforces the belief that it is ok to get fat on mushy foodstuffs without having to cook anything. That must be why you're all so fat.

03/20/02. Work harder, work longer, make more of your time. ... It's not the school's duty to give you time for your social life either, more accurately, a social life is a luxury that should come after all your work is complete.

01/25/03 I would like to see people start thinking with their heads and not with their gall bladders, or whatever other body part may be giving them the gall to make such off color remarks.

01/25/03 I've always said that teenagers are the last people who need to have their voices heard, plainly because the dumb ones say dumb things (i.e. such topics as "America sucks," "School is trying to screw me" and "Life sucks") and the smart ones say even dumber things - (i.e. "Communism is a good idea," and "We have the right to the same treatment as adults")

Vitriolic

06/07/02 I'm foing the bio report pig lab hate biology going to punch somthing!

06/16/03 Prove that it causes death. It doesn't cause death. You cause death. (On smoking)

01/31/04 And it was unfortunate that they caught me with a spare moment - a spare moment when the adrenaline was flowing through my veins.

01/31/04 Self esteem is probably one of the most overrated concepts of the late twentieth century, akin to cancer and electric cars - a hoax of ridiculous proportions.

Comical

04/13/02 "Did you know that every number has two square roots?" -Guyotte

02/01/02."Am I chugging this?" I ask. "You're totally chugging it!" says Robbie

02/06/02. Guyotte was on the move. Guyotte could take on the world...in terms of math ability.

04/21/02. Using Fredrickville as a place to complain about personal problems is not what Fredrickville is about. Fredrickville is about robots, driving golf carts into the lake, glow in the dark herring, and sulfuric underwear.

11/13/02. ...all I can think of is a man with a gigantic trout latched onto his arm, up to the shoulder, and thrashing around madly. Arm In Trout.

01/08/03 Instead of 85 chunks of lobster, Fede assigned 85 math problems.

01/24/03 Sometimes I really can't think of jokes so I just say things that I think Fred will laugh at if he reads them...liiiiike...for instance, "Slantybones"

03/31/03. Upton Sinclair the second was eaten. (He was an apple)

03/31/03 Robots continued to evolve until present day, they are no often larger than humans, and invariably predisposed to ridding the earth of mankind so that they can create a new robot utopia. Robots hail all machines as the prophets of a new era.

03/31/03 A wise man once said, “Now with the humans out of the way, I can rule the Roboverse.” He was never farther from the truth, for what man can rule the Roboverse lest first he come and follow the robot?

04/27/03 After the operation we played basketball outside. Not really basketball, more of a brawl with that specific type of ball and a hoop.

10/30/03 This Halloween, let us all sit serene at our doors waiting for the youngsters to come adorned in their sequined splendor, and when they ask us, in soft voices, the timeless mantra, "Trick or Treat?" we shall be ready to correct them, "Trick or Trout" and spoon into their candy bags a viscous helping of pulpy fish entrails.

07/08/05 What time is it? Mack-thirty? Time to go do some macking.

01/22/06. Depicted here is avant-garde artist Zhu Yu getting his fetus on.


Cynical

04/30/02 I have come to the conclusion that no one I've ever met knows anything.

06/14/02 I wouldn't use the term literary septic tank to describe the writing of my 'peers,' but it's pretty *darn* close.

06/20/02 Good thing the internet is here so we can put everything out in the open, blown way out of proportion, and reeking of panda love.

07/21/02.I found the camp just as Fred's last post described it; infested with an overweight staff, grubby children sporting all styles of hair including but not limited to mohawks, dreadlocks, and crew cuts.

11/28/02. Today in Byles' class Logan kept score. We won 5 to -2. You know what I'm talking about

12/06/02.The punch looked like vomit, but tasted surprisingly better.

12/06/02.As if I'd have to resort to charm at the middle school.

01/18/03 I almost just typed "I love you all," then I didn't, because "all" includes way too many people.

05/02/03 The entire dental health community is composed of a bunch of quacks who want to shoot lasers at your mouth, invade it with pointy and anger-inducing tools, and then offer you bogus suggestions as to why you should allow this to be done to you more often

05/22/03 On my 18th birthday, the first thing I'm going to do is go down town and exercise my rights to smooth taste and low tar by buying a pack of cigs and smoking it all down.

07/14/03 I mean seriously, not to overly glorify the cyborg children with praise they don't deserve, but would you be intentionally cruel to a kid in a wheelchair? A mentally infirm child? While the temptation is to say "yes" I would certainly think that in reality the answer is "no."

01/31/04 School is essentially a job, or if you cannot view it that way, a machine.

01/22/06 Too fat for your own good? I thought so.

Miscellaneous

01/30/02. "And he walked in, and they were all over him like a cheap suit in 5 seconds, but he fought his way over to the table and grabbed his cheese grater. There he stood, 1 vs. 5, he grinned derisively; things were going to get messy..."

06/10/02. "...he belched obscenely and without warning; he sang vile songs about the Steinbeck novels when provoked" (On Fatty Mohawk)

06/20/02 I think Duke Nukem put it best: "Dr. Proton, I'll kick your butt and still have time to watch Oprah!"

10/07/02 Pete told me that he doesn't even read Doonesbury in the newspaper because the blurbs are too long.

11/17/02.Best of all, I took ALL the spoons from the coffee room, which forced people to stir with their fingers. Hehehehe. I am so immature.

01/22/03 In other news, I like bread. That's not news! You just stole it off Pete's bumper sticker!

02/24/03 There's something so uncouth about a large multifloored building when completely empty and unlit.

10/08/03 Sitting here supposed to be writing something else and eating Peperoncinis in vinegar. Vinegar and keyboard don't mix. Mouth burning. Loving every second of life.

Snapple I

I grabbed him by the wheelchair and rolled him into the woman's bathroom, saying something like "let's see if I can solve world hunger." I have no qualms about walking in a women's bathroom.

He'd been on a three day bender with no salsa and chips

Then, not wanting to be in the same room as Farrington longer than necessary, I ran to the room across the hall and hid behind the bed.

I was still wearing the same clothes, but my hand was no longer bleeding. Time travel heals all wounds I guess.

A big fat guy with a big mustache. I'd say about 200 pounds. The man, I mean.

Atherton rushed in from the next room, his hands stinking of formaldehyde.

Everyone in the class was taking a test. It was the test on phtophosphorylation. Stupid 2001. What a bad idea that was.

Snapple II

St. Georges went totally Kung Fu, and began attacking them like crazy.

I rolled myself over and saw that I was still alive, for which I was very relieved, because had I been dead, I would have begun to doubt my own existence.

Because the nuances of time travel are utterly confusing, I will cease to elaborate on them from this point forward.

I was somewhat dizzy, and had the taste of prunes in my mouth, and as we all know, a prune is not a vegetable, cabbage is a vegetable.

Snapple III

Your fearsome house cat has ruined my mother's ancestral home

"My mother has died seven years ago on account of that cat"

Ted Kennedy and Bill Cosby take over the world...Kennedy becomes president because he deserves it!

From what I could see, it appeared to be wearing wooden pants, rubber socks, an iron shirt, and cotton coated shoes. Old Navy. How Unfashionable.

Some overalls were lying in a ditch...better take them just in case.

The robot shot a stream of putrid, dark colored smoke out of its nostrils and high into the air. Then it took out the proportionally sized jaw harp and began to lull the city with cruel music.

Le Monde

There was another water fountain mounted a lot lower for easy cyborg access, and I tried that. It worked alright, but the water tasted like sweaty poison.

For a robot, it looked very high quality. And I know my robots.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Timeless Material. Who knows what the future holds? It's likely it can only get better.

"Contrary to popular belief I actually do know where it's at." - Spoonman



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LovesVelvet @ 01/27/06
"Insensitive, fatophobic, self serving garbage. Let's make out."


Spoonman @ 01/27/06
"Blah blah blah, Soylent Green is people, Vegas Spades is Spoonman, what else is new?"


VegasSpades @ 01/27/06
"I demand more whipped cream in the men's room!"


LittleMega @ 01/27/06
"your not funny... just emotionally disturbed"


Riev_Mordred @ 01/31/06
"Franklin Rea, is there anything you can't do?"


Spoonman @ 06/16/06
""Collage" also had this high quality line: 'I use the term "musician" in a sense which might be considered aesthetically, "looser than [someone's] mom" and in an epistemic sense no less broad,'"



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