Let's not mince words - Fredrickville is not exactly club med, and the kind of clientele that hang around here are not really, as one might say, in peak physical condition. That's ok though, it happens. I mean if you wanted to quantify everyone in terms of foodstuffs, it seems we've got about four Christmas hams, three flabby, mushy, white slices of Wonderbread, and two sacks of kitty litter.

Yes I realize I said food. No, you were not one of the sacks of kitty litter. How do you know I'm talking about you? I am. Not him. Not anyone else. I was actually thinking about you when I typed this.

Anyway, back on topic, I think it would be worthwhile if I proposed a little dietary plan that I've been using for the past year and a half. It's kept me hard, lean, and full of energy, and I've never felt more alive. No, it doesn't involve juicing, vitimans, hypnotism, or molestation. Nothing more than plain old eating right.

Too fat for your own good? I thought so. Just stick to my easy food guide pyramid and watch your tubby gut melt away.



Now, there are two caveats: The first being when you absolutely cannot go without food, substitute a few servings of the "nothing" category with either steak, babies, or pizza.



Depicted here is avant-garde artist Zhu Yu getting his fetus on. Note that he appears to be in excellent health from following my easy plan.

The second caveat is if you are not hard enough to chug a Rockstar you may have to substitute it with coffee. Don't put sugar in the coffee and for crying out loud, don't put cream in it either. Avoid all white foodstuffs, as they will make you as whey-faced and chubby as a minstrel boy.

Finally, just to make sure you're not slacking off, make sure you are constantly rocking out to music, or thinking about rocking out to music. Try it. Maybe you can slim down enough to fit into that pair of sensible twill slacks lying in your dresser and your rump will be toned enough that your boss will actually feel like giving you a raise.

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