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Snapple 111: More popular than Harry Potter Spoons Editorial Posted by Spoonman on 01/04/03. Yes I'm aware I used 1's instead of I's. 5th Avenue Publishing 2) Woodhouse Incorporated Let's get to the Point: As before, you should have read the previous two sections of this story for it to make any sense. --------------------------------------- "...Not only am I completely lost, but I'm in France. Curses!" Let's face it. I was in France. 18th century France to be exact. At least I still had my fire extinguisher. That was going to come in handy if I were ever going to get back to 2002. The thing was though, a problem had arisen. If I went right back to 2002, I might end up in a future influenced by all the bad things that had happened in 2001. Yes, I had to go back to 2001 and clean things up before I went home for good. This presented yet another problem: The only two ways I had travelled through time so far were by pulling plugs out of walls (out of the question from my current position) and being eaten by the cat, who was now dead himself...or herself I never did find out. Anyway, from what I could see, things had calmed down - people were starting to come over to see what had happened to the Chateau. It would be hard for the Admiral to explain why he had opened fire with no solid cat evidence to back him up. Some sailors were heading up to the shore on a small rowboat. I decided to wait on the hillside, but one of them gestured to me and said something - I didn't understand what it was, but he was clearly trying to get me to come over to where they were, so I began to approach them slowly, still holding my fire extinguishir. The buzzing from outside the school gymnasium still rang in my head. There was that, and there was the sound of the tan van driving off. I don't think I'll ever be able to put that out of my mind. When I reached the sailors, they pulled me into the boat and started rowing me up to the Admiral's flagship, swinging back and forth in the water with the anchor chain draped over the side. On reaching the side of the massive hulking shape, we all climbed up a rope ladder hung from the railing. At the top, the Admiral was waiting. The man spoke perfect English. He looked surprisingly like the old fellow I had rolled into the bathroom that very morning. "Charle's Darnay?" he asked "No that's not my name." I replied "You have insulted my family too many times. Your fearsome house cat has ruined my mother's ancestral home, and she has a particular horror of cats." "Oh, I wasn't aware of this, but in any case, the cat was clearly not mine." "My mother has died seven years ago on account of that cat" "What? I came here for the first time this morning, and you have no right accusing me of being responsible for that cat!" "You sir, Mr. Darnay, are about to become involved in circumstances beyond your control." [Yeah I know where that's at] Then I lost control "Where's your mother buried?" "In the cemetary at Rue d'..." "DIG UP HER GRAVE! RIP OUT HER TONGUE! DIG UP HER GRAVE! RIP OUT HER TONGUE! DIG UP HER GRAVE! RIP OUT HER TONGUE! DIG UP HER GRAVE! RIP OUT HER TONGUE! DIG UP HER GRAVE! RIP OUT HER TONGUE!" I got challenged to a duel for that one. Fortuneately, being the one challenged, I would be able to pick the weapons. I decided on sabrres, for the simple fact that I know I can't shoot a gun worth beans. The sabres they had on the boat were a lot heavier than what I'm used to, but it didn't matter too much, because I could still make a pretty accurate drawcut even without lifting my last two fingers off the handle. The problem was, this Frenchy probably knew what he was doing as well... The point is, I think I know I landed two hits on the inside of his arm before he impaled me. Strange feeling being impaled...not at all like being eaten by the cat...lots of pain but all your concentration breaks and you start hearing news headlines like: "Re Elect Mayor Red Thomas!! Progress is his middle name!!! Ted Kennedy and Bill Cosby take over the world...Kennedy becomes president because he deserves it!" That's about all that was running through my head when the admiral came up to finish me off. Fortuneately, I saw the fire extinguishir in time. Pin out Aim Blam Smokey blue junk all over the place...the admiral falls over backwards...a sailor takes out a pistol and shoots a hole in the fire extinguishir...probably trying to hit me...loud noise..CO2 escaping...sailors scared for just long enough to...pass out from blood loss...2001? I woke up on the roof of the Ag Center unharmed, but not unarmed - I still had the sabre from the admiral's ship clutched in my hand. The Giant Robot Statue of Brian Lapierre was tramping around the outside of the building. From what I could see, it appeared to be wearing wooden pants, rubber socks, an iron shirt, and cotton coated shoes. Old Navy. How Unfashionable. It was still emitting the strong buzzing that it had been when I left...maybe 20 minutes ago. Time travel really messes you up. Good thing I never carry a watch. Was A Tale of Two Cities published in the 19th century...not the 18th? I'd hope so, or else I'm going insane. This stupid sword wasn't going to help against that monstrosity...I'd need something with more firepower...but I wouldn't want to try anything on school grounds...I'd have to lure it away. I ran down towards where the parking lot should be...but wasn't...good...still 2001. Some overalls were lying in a ditch...better take them just in case. I got in through the side door to the bottom floor of the new wing that the Pascucci army had blown open. Running past the office, I headed for the cafeteria. There was a vat of chowder bubbling in the kitchen. Mmmmm Chowder. Chowda. Chowder...oh man that's funny stuff. Anyway, I had the inclination to throw the overalls in it...somehow I knew I was being lead to the right decision. Wow that was a huge vat of chowder...it could probably feed Brian Lapierre for a year, or maybe one giant Brian Lapierre for a day. Then I remembered the well dressed robot outside. Twine I'd need some twine. First I better get out of here. From the gym at the middle school, I could here Brian shouting. He liked to speak in the third person.. "WHO PUT THE OVERALLS IN FREAKBURRITO's CHOWDER?! Nobody spoke so he said it all the louder. "IT's A VERY DIRTY TRICK...AND I CAN LICK THE MICK WHO THREW THESE OVERALLS IN FREAKBURRITO's CHOWDER!!!" The robot shot a stream of putrid, dark colored smoke out of it's nostrils and high into the air. Then it took out the proportionally sized jaw harp and began to lull the city with cruel music. The frequency from such an instrument is aligned to make the brain pour out of the ears, so I've been told. All I know is that it made me taste prunes...and metal...my mouth was filled with that taste and my eyes began to sting, almost as if I had been slicing onion. However, I didn't want to run. I had run enough for one day. Suddenly, I turned around to find Wayne right behind me. He opened his jacket and handed me twine, an attendence list, a sprite, and a stapler. He quickly explained that the music emanating from the robot had cause him to lose his balance while walking across a metal railing backwards with closed eyes. He asked me if I'd kindly put an end to that evil saxaphone playing using the twine. Saxaphone playing? Then I saw the other giant robot. This one was sort of a Bonno type character, judging by the sunglasses. He was in fact, playing the saxaphone as he entered the middle school parking lot. However, as soon as he saw me, the robot started to charge at full speed. I ducked back inside - Wayne was already long gone. Running back out through the gym, I saw that Brian was advancing on my position as well. Thinking quickly, I tied the sprite to the end of the twine and ducked around the building, leaving the sprite out in the open. With about a minute before Bonno reached it, I ran with the other end of the twine and hid in the trench between the middle school and the now non existant track. When Brian got to the trench, I stapled the twine onto his rubbery socks with as many staples as I could before he noticed me and I had to run for cover up in the direction of the Baseball and Softball fields. As expected the giant Bonno saw the sprite and tried to grab it, but since it was attached to the giant Lapierre's leg, it kept moving away from him. This infuriated Bonno, who saw Brian in the distance, thought the other robot was trying to torment him, and came lumbering forward to do battle. By my call, school was over by now, what with the invasion and the cat and such, but Lavin was still holding softball practice up in the field. Lower down, some people were painting lines on the track with an electronic painting machine hooked to an extension cord. Interesting... The Robots clashed in firey combat, each breathing smoke at the other and smashing with their huge fists, in the end however, Lapierre was stronger, and managed to smash Bonno onto the ground, disabling him permanently. Just as he raised his jaw harp for the kill shot, a perfect home run came from the softball field. I was later informed that Erin hit it. [Trust Erin to save the day once again] The softball hit the robot Brian right between the eyes...He stumbled backwards and tripped over the extension cord. Instantly, Robot Brian vanished. Probably into France or something. I started to laugh out loud. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Now I can make it back to 2002....... Just as I thought "2002" the tan van came out of the WRMS parking lot, through the fence, jumping the ditch, and straight into my back. This time I was dead for sure. And indeed I was dead, but because I had been thinking "2002" when I died, just as when I had been killed by the cat and the admiral in the previous two occasions, I was transported safe and sound to the year 2002, outside Franklin hospital, where it all began. The old man had gotten himself out of the bathroom. Wow, he looked a lot like the Admiral. "HEY!! CHARLES!!! GET BACK HERE BOY!!" I ran all the way to Logan's house where we drank a box of Joe and watched Dragnet. When I saw Brian a month later, I had to laugh, but not much...and I'll never go to France again. And he never did. THE END!!!!! Enjoy, loyal fans
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