Cynical Interlude

I am retooling this article and it should be up shortly. Please email me to obtain the version in progress.

Posted on March 22nd, 2008 | Comments [6]

Operation: Marmalade

The following story is true. It was declassified in June of 2005 and withheld from the public for an additional two years. It will now be part of public knowledge. The names have been changed to protect those involved.

August 2-5, 2002. Loon Mountain Resort. "Soul-Fest", an enormous, two stage Christian music festival, which brings well in excess of 10,000 patrons. "Godtoberfest", Spoonman called it.

July 29, 2002: Spoonman sneaks off to Gregor's house while the former's parents are transacting business at a local bank. Gregor imparts a large, taped-up Folgers’s coffee can containing vinegar and garden slugs to Spoonman. Spoonman hides this parcel in his parents’ car and rides home.

July 30, 2002: Spoonman adds sliced turkey, milk, lemon juice, a raw egg, and about half a loaf of bread to the coffee can and caps it back up, shaking well. He duct-tapes around the lid and writes "Marmalade: Bio-Hazard", as well as a skull-and-crossbones, on the top in Sharpie. He leaves it in his garage to stew for the next few nights.

Aug 2, 2002: Spoonman, Fred, and Kikai arrive at Loon Mountain resort in a beat up Toyota, with food, tailgating equipment, cameras, and extra clothes. (A) It is decided that they won't be camping out, unlike the rest of the thousands of juiced up Jesus freaks on the mountainside, who, I might add, are ready to rock. (Rather, they'll use Fred's house as base camp.) In a plastic bag, stuffed under one of the Toyota's, Spoonman has hidden the Marmalade, still secured with tape.

Aug 3, 2002: The trio hears "DC Talk" perform some filthy, inappropriate songs. (B) They wait in line interminably for autographs, for some reason. (C) Fred, ironically, has a plastic spoon autographed by Toby Mack. Spoonman has a poster of Fatalist/Atheist/pseudo Hindu? Arthur Schopenhauer autographed, instead. On the way out, they pass through a large crowd of overexcited folk. Spoonman asks, "Who touched me?” Fred mentions that the crowd is so thick that it is ridiculous to ask, "Who touched me?" But don't worry, he gets it. (D)

Aug 4, 2002: The trio encounters some paranoia-clauses on the hillside, wearing stoner shades, and chat with them awkwardly. (E) Fred's friend's brother is wearing a shirt that says "Jesus Freak" in thorns. Kikai goes swimming in a nearby brook. The others join, and rock-climb. (F)

Nightfall arrives on the 4th. Fred goes down to the main stage to listen to "Five Iron Frenzy" Kikai and Spoonman are in the hills. (G) Earlier, they discussed what would become Operation: Marmalade together and agreed. The target was to be the main stage. The exit strategy was to escape into the thick crowd. Spoonman leaves Kikai and returns to the parking lot to obtain the Marmalade, now several days old and quite ripe, by his reckoning.

In Spoon's own words:
"I recall wearing khaki shorts and a gray GAP shirt that night, very innocuous. My heart was racing as I picked up the supermarket bag containing the coffee can full of Marmalade. I checked that it was still taped up. It looked ominous, and evil. I walked back from the parking lot, along the side of the river, which in the summer had a very shallow draft. I considered using utter stealth and attempting to cross it over the protruding rocks, rather than risk entry past the ticket gate, but I realized that the only way to pull this off was to play it cool, as if nothing was going down. I walked confidently across the bridge. The ticket office personnel were not even paying attention to the comings and going of the concert attendees. I imagine people were going back for extra sweatshirts, blankets, food, and such, and I would have no trouble. With the Marmalade weighing quite heavy in my left hand - the plastic supermarket bag straining on my fingers, I walked by the ticket office, (H) flashed my concert wristband in an idle fashion (probably unnecessary), and walked on in. Had I been Mohammed Atta, it could not have been easier."

From there, Spoonman walked back up the hill with the Marmalade and met Kikai. The two conferred and decided that the main stage would be an incredibly dangerous target, and decided to defer to the secondary target - the sound stage, where technicians were controlling the output and overdrive of the huge ska-musical act going on. The sound stage (I), was a large structure on risers full of switchboards and mixing equipment. It had probably 200 large cables running out of it and down hidden conduits to the main stage. The back and sides were all open.

Kikai and Spoonman make their way down near the sound stage and stop to cut the tape off the lid. (J) All they have to accomplish this with are the Toyota's car keys. Suddenly, a flashlight beam shines at them, and a man's voice asks, "Can I help you?"

Spoonman and Kikai freeze, terror-possessed that they've been caught by security. They turn and look up slowly. Before them is a man in shorts and a golf shirt. Just a good honest Christian, looking to lend a hand. Kikai and Spoonman profess that they don't need his help and thank him. He leaves.

With the Marmalade open after some struggle, and breathing through their mouths, Spoonman and Kikai come up behind the sound stage and, leaning through its open side, dump out of the Folgers' can's contents onto the floor, near some buzzing equipment. The Marmalade comes out like sludge - its color indiscernible under the concert floodlights. Spoonman and Kikai leave hastily.

They find the nearest garbage and throw out the Folgers' can (L), each taking a whiff of it first, for posterity. The smell, attested by both, is so foul, that to say they both nearly puked right there would not even begin to describe it. It was a sweaty, warm, almost medical smell. With hints of oak and chocolate.

The two grab Fred from his post in the front row as 5IF winds up their act, and they all bolt for the car and drive home. They don't stay for the Aug 5th conclusion of Godtoberfest. Spoonman vows that the operation will not be made public until all parties involved had moved out of town. This occurred in 2005. The story was attempted twice, and finally written this night of September, 2007.

The map of Loon Mountain during SoulFest 2002, and the places described:



* * *

The indgredients of Marmalade

-Live Slugs
-Vinegar
-Sliced turkey breast cold cuts
-A raw egg, beaten
-Milk
-Lemon juice
-Bread, to solidify

Mix well and leave to stew for three nights.


Case closed. Amen and amen.

Posted on September 22nd, 2007 | Comments [9]

Send Off

I'll try to recapitulate a few things I meant to post but never did.

Because it's more fun to read numbered points, I'll do that. Spoon, like others, is nice, and formats his text in a way that is pleasing to read. Unfortunately, it won't last long.

Ok:

1) I am constantly paranoid.

2) I constantly think of topics that I want to post, and then realize that I could never successfully post. This is not because they are too personal or controversial, but merely because they are too detailed and not very interesting.

3) As proof of (2), I started writing in (3) on the subject of one such topic alluded to in (2).

4) I really am constantly paranoid.

5) I have more of a plan.

6) After 3 years, I decided it's ok to eat the stems of Pepperoncinis (in vinegar)

7) If I started linking to all the things I allude to in this Editorial, it would cease to become an editorial and become a blog. That is unacceptable.

8) I finally saw all the Lord of the Rungs movies. Yes, I'm aware I wrote "rungs". I assure you, it was intentional, much as it was the last time. I saw them all at once and in order, and was left with mixed feelings. I don't understand why ...

8.5) Wow, I really am so paranoid.

8.75) ... the conversation, narration, etc, in movies is so weak nowadays. I saw "300" recently as well, and although I was prepared for the acting to suck, I was still a little appalled. However, I found that in the Rungs trilogy, that the dialogue, while better than in other films, was stilled cliched, over-emotional, and weak. I don't understand why everyone has to prattle on about honor and duty and heroics and how these are "dark and troubled times" and things like that. We get it already, and honestly, no one talks like that in real life.
In the first film, there is a scene where Bilbo refers to the One Ring as "my precious" to illustrate to the audience (whom Peter Jackson must presume are block-headed) that the ring is corrupting him. I don't recall such an obvious smack over the head occurring in the books (agreeably, while JRRT is not the "greatest English author", as JCOOD once tried to convince me, he is intelligent and subtle.)
And please - doesn't Bilbo have half a clue as to this? (Maybe it's part of the ring's power, right?) But seriously. Weak weak weak.
My second point of contention would be that the whole story hinges on a number of last second and highly improbable escapes from danger. Again, I think this is a purely cinematic issue. When someone's about to get killed, and then his or her friend shanks the would be murderer seconds before the death blow, credibility is lost. Maybe not on the first occurrence, but after the 6th, 7th, 9th, 25th...we start to see it coming. I think a much more exciting movie would have much more Hemingwayian heroics - people thrust into situations beyond their control and having to find real ways out. The good guys dying if they were in over their heads. Real dialogue, not elevated and fanciful drivel.

9) As an addendum to (8), here are lists of the characters that (a) were cool and (b) needed to be slapped.

9a) -Saruman
-The war elephants
-The king before the evil hold releases him, when he's all purple and decrepit.
-The girl Sam dances with, and ultimately marries

9b) -Frodo
-Sauron, for not being able to catch Frodo
-Aragorn, only for his pronunciation of the line "Legolas - what do your Elf-eyes see?" He was within the acceptable bounds at all other times.

10) I really am so paranoid. These are in lieu of clauses. Clauses are funny, but detract from the post itself.

11) I read, one day on a whim, a 150 page book about a 12 year old girl whose sister is on marijuana. It was foolish, hilarious, and beautiful. I intended to devote a post to it, but I mean, seriously.

12) Ok, time to tough it out. Next post ho!

Posted on September 22nd, 2007 | Comments [2]